


Bisneyland Hell

by MightyMudkipz, SilkyinaBottle



Category: Asagao Academy: Normal Boots Club
Genre: ........or bisneyland in this case, Asexual Character, Disney World & Disneyland, F/F, F/M, Inspired by Roleplay/Roleplay Adaptation, M/M, Matchmaking, Multi, Road Trips, are they at tokyo bisneyland or some weird replica of california bisneyland?? we just don't know, discussion of sex, only jirard satch & jeff can drive apparently, walkie talkies
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-21
Updated: 2017-05-01
Packaged: 2018-08-09 13:04:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 47,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7802935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MightyMudkipz/pseuds/MightyMudkipz, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilkyinaBottle/pseuds/SilkyinaBottle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Satch notices Jirard pulling away from the curb and takes the hint that it's finally time to go. He takes a moment to glance at the passengers in his car and shakes his head with a smile. "I have a feeling this will be a long trip..."</p><p>In which the clubs go on a road trip to Bisneyland, relationships are tested, and everyone hopefully comes back happier than they left.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The One Where They Hit the Road

**Author's Note:**

> now, you may be asking yourself: "ash, why are they going to disneyland? why is this even a thing?"
> 
> well my friends sit down it's story time.
> 
> back when i was real deep in the dangan ronpa fandom, my friend allie and i decided to do a roleplay where all the characters from the second game went to disneyland. now, because we didn't want to do research on disney japan and we didn't give a shit, they just went to california disneyland for some reason. but this roleplay was a legacy and would stay in our hearts forever.
> 
> fast forward two years. we're both really into asagao academy. i'm really bored and on a road trip when it hits me. disneyland rp 2: asagao academy edition. but this time, with a roadtrip. so i texted the idea to allie and it was immediately approved and, well. here we are.
> 
> a lot of this (particularly the dialogue) is transcribed from the rp word for word. but a lot was added in, a lot was taken out, yadda yadda yadda. but it's basically the rp exactly. because of some... future stuff, the rating will definitely go up, but i don't think there will ever be smut. even if me and allie decide to rp it, i don't think i'll have the guts to put it in the fic.
> 
> and finally, for reference:  
> i wrote hana, jirard, jared, nick, josh, shane, ian, luke, and wallid.  
> allie wrote mai, pbg, jon (plus jacques), satch, paul, jeff, jimmy, and caddy.
> 
> (also, ironically enough, i found out there's another asagao road trip fic being written just as i finished this chapter. so hey, if you like this idea there's more out there!)

Normally, when someone says the words "road trip" you'll probably imagine a scene straight from the latest Hollywood blockbuster: wind in your hair, the trees passing by, and the warm sun creating just the right lens flare as the most popular pop song of the year blasts in the background. The term "amusement park" conjures a similar image: blue skies, neon lights, and the smell of butterscotch and cotton candy drifting through the air.

That scenario... is nothing like what is happening right now.

Thirteen students group together, huddled outside of Asagao's slightly ajar front gates. They shiver until the chill early morning air, the stars in the sky just beginning to fade as they work to mentally prepare themselves for the trip ahead of them. Their bags are packed and ready to go by their feet; all that remains is the presence of their drivers... and one other, who they've been assured will reappear in due time (though some, honestly, wouldn't mind if he chose not to return).

"I still don't understand why we couldn't have just taken the train," Ian sighs, gripping slightly at the backpack strap draped over his right shoulder. This one, half-filled backpack somehow carries all of his belongings for their five-day trip, much to everyone's general astonishment. It hangs lazily off of one shoulder, almost guaranteeing him back pain later.

Comparatively, Hana brought along both a backpack and a decently-sized rolling suitcase, both of which seem to be packed neatly and efficiently. "The train doesn't head out that far," she points out, smiling softly in Ian's direction. "Besides, isn't it more fun this way?"

At this, Ian sighs, defeated. "Hana, why must you derail my argument with facts?"

A few feet to his left, Luke grins. "Because you'll only listen to her!" With him, he has an absurdly over-sized backpack, a speaker he's carrying carefully under one arm, and a blue and white cooler, which rests by his feet.

From atop a small duffle bag, Jimmy takes a moment to look up from his Gintendo 4DS, flashing an impish grin. "Yeah, Ian, lighten up! Hana's right, road trips are more exciting anyways." He sends Hana a quick thumbs up before returning to his game of Nokemon.

"But guys, aren't you excited?" Mai just about squeals, bouncing around a little in a poor attempt to contain her excitement. She's packed similarly to Hana, boasting only a suitcase and a backpack; however both look about ready to burst at the seams with all that she's shoved into them. It seems she didn't want to inconvenience the Normal Boots Club members by packing too many bags. "I know I am. This is going to be so totally awesome!"

But Jon only flails around impatiently, almost tripping over his matching pair of duffle bags, clearly labeled  _Jon_ and  _Jacques_. "Ugggggh, but they're taking so looooong!" he groans, pouting as he gently kicks a duffle bag in unparalleled boredom. "I thought they said they would be back quick..."

From his shoulder, Jacques speaks in his usual stiff monotone. "Jon, bro, like, calm the fuck down."

"For once, I agree with him," Shane says, typing out a quick response to a text before hastily shoving his phone back in his pocket. "Jirard says he'll be here in less than five minutes. I'm sure you can hold out." Jon continues to flail in Shane's direction, seemingly displeased that they still have to wait, but Shane doesn't dignify him with a response. He's carrying both a messenger back and a tote bag, with the spiral ring of a sketchbook peeking out of the latter. At the sound of footsteps, he glances over his shoulder and sighs. "Jesus Christ, is this the last trip?"

"I... think so!" Jared gasps as he returns to the group at last. Behind him, he drags along two heavy bags, visibly sweating through his sparkles. He lugs them over so they can join his other four bags. Once his mountain is complete, he wipes his brow with the back of his hand, looking pleased with his work. "So, are we about ready to go?"

Josh stares him down from his personal balancing balancing act; he's currently trying to carry a duffle bag, a camera bag, and a wire wig stand with his wig clipped to it all at once. "We are now."

Paul simply alternates a dumbfounded stare between his own neat pile, composed of a single suitcase and a small drawstring bag, and Jared's six massive bags. "Jared, we're not even going to be gone a week. What the hell could you possibly have in all of those bags?"

Likewise, PBG glances skeptically at Jared's mass of bags. He himself only has a backpack and a duffle bag, a small, smiling yellow plushie resting on top of it. "Will all of those even fit in one of the cars?"

But Jared just smiles his flawless little smile. "Satch will find a way to make them fit," he says, oozing with confidence in his roommate. "He loves me."

"Yeah," mutters Ian, "and he has... what, a 140 IQ?"

"Shush," Jared tells him, fixing him with a vexing stare. "And I only packed the essentials." He looks Josh up and down. "Unlike the three of you with that greasy mop you call a wig."

Josh holds the wig a bit closer to his chest, almost defensively. "I take good care of it."

"Yeah, and he really wanted to bring it!" Nick adds, shrugging his shoulders slightly to adjust where his backpack sits on them. It looks like it's stuffed to the brim, probably filled with all of the things Paul and Josh forgot to pack. "You never know when she's gonna come in handy." Josh turns a bit red in response, but otherwise stays quiet.

"Yeah Jared, Joshualina's a part of the family!" Paul insists before plucking the wig stand right out of Josh's arms and cradling it lovingly.

Josh quickly snatches it back from him, scowling. "Careful with that. I don't like frizz."

Wallid laughs from on top of his big camping backpack adorned with Pepe pins. He's been watching Jimmy play Nokemon over his shoulder for some time now, and has only recently tuned in to the conversation. "Jared probably brought his entire mirror collection," he jokes as his chuckles dissolve.

"...I only brought three."

Beside Wallid, Caddy scoffs. "Only three? What possessed you to make such a sacrifice?"

Jimmy continues to tap away at his game, not bothering to take his eyes off of his Nokemon conquest. "The rest probably wouldn't fit in the bag he dedicated to his sparkles," he suggests, squinting slightly at his 4DS screen. "Speaking of, they're casting a glare on my screen. Move over a little."

Jared takes a step to the left, closer to his mountain of bags. "They're genetic," he tells Jimmy as he expertly brushes a lock of hair away from his eyes. "Like I would need a bag full of  _glitter_ to look this good."

"You guys just can't comprehend Jared's incomparable beauty," Mai says with a little smirk. She's been dating Hana for almost four months now, but through it all she's stayed a proud member of the Jared fanclub. Nearby, PBG frowns at her open flirtatiousness, but doesn't comment.

" _Thank_ you, Mai. At least someone understands." Jared strikes a model-worthy pose just as Jirard's car pulls up to the curb.

He opens the car door and hops out of the driver's seat as soon as the key's out of the ignition, almost as if he's in a rush. "I'm so sorry I made you all wait!" he tells them as he steps foot onto the sidewalk. "But I'm here now, and the others shouldn't be too far behind, so..." He gestures back towards his car, a cream-colored minivan affectionately titled  _The Dad Wagon_ by Josh. "I should be able to fit the most in my car."

Before Jirard has even finished talking, Shane's already made it halfway over to his car. "Shotgun."

"Yes!" Mai squeals, grabbing Hana's hand and yanking her towards the car. "C'mon, Hana! Let's go!"

Jon follows close behind Shane, raising his voice until it rings out through the cold night air. "Hey! Who said you got first dibs?"

Shane halts, turning on his heel so he can look Jon in the eye as he speaks. "Being his roommate says so. Besides, Jacques needs somewhere to perch, doesn't he? He can stand on the console if you're back there."

"Or you guys could switch later...?" Jirard suggests with a sheepish smile. But the issue seems to be resolved, and Jon lets Shane climb into the passenger's seat without further complaints.

Jeff's car pulls up next, coming to a complete stop behind the minivan. Jeff rolls down the window and calls out to his clubmates, not even bothering to turn off the car. "Hey, guys! Sorry to keep you waiting, hop in!"

For a moment, the members of Hidden Block all exchange awkward looks, wondering who's going to take the fall for the team, but their question is quickly answered when Ian follows Hana over to Jirard's car. "Okay, bye guys," he says, throwing a half-hearted wave over his shoulder. "I'll miss you the least, James."

Caddy stands and brushes his jeans off, his face dusted a very light pink as he yells, "Likewise!" after Ian. When he gets no response he huffs indignantly before grabbing his suitcase and stomping out an angry pathway over to Jeff's car.

"Good enough for me!" Luke cries as he picks up the cooler and follows Caddy over.

Jimmy grins widely at the quick consensus, closing his 4DS and standing up to gather his things. "Way to take one for the team, Ian!"

As the group slowly begins to disperse and Jeff leaves his car to help his friends with their bags, PBG finally seems to realize what's happening and grabs his duffle bag up off of the sidewalk. "H-hey, guys!" he cries out, nearly tripping over his own two feet in his rush to grab the last seat in Jirard's car. "Wait for me!"

"Ian, it's really sweet of you to do this," Hana says, giving Ian an earnest look as the two of them climb into the backseat with Mai. "I'm sorry you can't start the trip with your friends, though..."

Ian takes the leftmost seat, staring hard at Hana as she slips into the middle seat. "Hana, I'm not doing this because I have to. I'm doing this because my love for you far outreaches my love for any of those assholes."

"O-oh," Hana mumbles, turning a bit pink despite herself. "Thanks."

Jon obediently takes a seat in the middle row behind Shane, placing Jacques on the center console. "There, buddy!" he cries, looking quite pleased with Jacques's new home. "Look at Shane, always looking out for ya!" He throws his arms around the seat in front of him, and consequently around Shane's neck.

Shane visibly flinches, but manages to relax his muscles after a few deep breaths. "You're welcome." Jon pauses in confusion for a moment, before blowing it off and sitting back in his seat again.

Luke tries his absolute best to shove the cooler in the area behind the passenger's seat in Jeff's car, and once he's done he stands back and adjusts his cap. "Okay, that cooler takes up a lot of room, and Jim-Jam's the smallest, so..." He turns around and holds out a hand for Jimmy to take. "After you, my man."

Jimmy sends him what could be considered a playful glare. "Gee, such a gentleman." He takes Luke's hand and climbs in regardless, not unlike a princess being helped into her carriage. "Hey, Jeff!" he calls out over his shoulder. "You got my bags?"

"Yeah, I got you!" Jeff shouts back, holding up Jimmy's bubblegum pink duffle bag proudly.

Caddy continues to grumble and glare at Jirard's car as he drops his bags by Jeff and throws himself in the passenger's seat, quite caught up in all the ways he wants to kiss— _torture_ Moosey. He slams the door behind him, crossing his arms in front of his chest and absolutely fuming.

Jeff jumps slightly at the sudden thud, taking a moment to trace it as the unceremonious slam of the car door. He sighs, smiling to himself. At least they're in separate cars for now.

Satch is the last to arrive, rolling in behind Jeff's car. Once the car is parked he promptly gets out to address the remaining members of the group. "Hey, sorry I'm late. I stopped to grab some snacks and—" His eyes are immediately drawn to Jared's bags and he heaves out a sigh. "I thought you said you were going to stop at four..."

Jared makes big, sparkly eyes at him, completing the look with a small, loving smile. "Have I ever told you you're my favorite person?"

Satch smiles back, resisting the urge to roll his eyes at his dear friend's dramatics. "Perhaps once or twice..." He waltzes past, giving Jared a little nudge before beginning to expertly pack the car with Jared's bags as if he were playing an elaborate game of Pentris.

"Married life is wonderful," Jared sighs dreamily.

Paul sighs, handing his own luggage to Satch as he walks past. "My condolences."

Satch just lets out a good-natured laugh. "It's all good. This is why I packed as little as possible."

But Jared doesn't take that comment quite as lightly. "At least  _I_ won't end up trashing his car," he hisses, with a very pointed look in the direction of Paul, Nick, and Josh. "The three of you are just a disaster waiting to happen."

"I won't argue with that," Josh mutters, carefully placing the wig stand in the backseat.

"Yeah," says Nick, under his breath, "but Paul might."

Unfortunately, it seems his guess was right on the mark, because Paul starts shouting before either of them can get another word in. "I resent that!" He's already moving in on Jared, face flushed red in anger. "You're more likely to make him crash by blinding him with one of your stupid mirrors!" 

"If Satch is going to be blinded by anything, it'll be by my  _beauty!_ But he's already used to that, so it isn't an issue."

 

"You should all be glad James isn't in this car," Ian sighs, looking out the window to glare in the general direction of Jeff's car. "Although I'm sure he'll call in at some point just to shit talk me. The prick."

"Oh yeah!" PBG suddenly chirps. "Satch got us all walkie talkies, didn't he? So we could all talk to each other?" His eyes flicker left and right around the car, trying to catch sight of where one might be hidden.

Shane digs around in the passenger's seat until he produces a heart-shaped Itty Bitty Kitty walkie talkie. After a pause, he turns to Jirard. "I think he's trying to cater to you." Jirard laughs lightly and shrugs as Shane presses the button on the side and holds the walkie talkie up to his mouth. "JonTron sucks."

"Hey!" Jon practically yells (but then again, he seems to be yelling most of the time), gripping at Shane's seat in front of him. "How dare you slander my good name like that!" He reaches forward, trying to snatch the walkie talkie out of Shane's grip.

But his quest to claim the walkie talkie as his own lasts only a moment before Jacques cuts in. "I concur. Jon is an idiot."

"Quiet, you!" Jon huffs, sitting back in his seat and giving Jacques a good, hard glare.

There's a pause on the other end up the line until a voice calls back, slightly muffled by white noise. "Oh, indeed," says Jared, sounding quite amused at Shane's test of the walkie talkie system.

Shane lets go of the button, lowering the walkie talkie slightly to address the rest of the car. "God dammit, Jared has the other one." And then, speaking into the walkie talkie again: "Please tell me whoever has the one in Jeff's car is bearable."

A different voice comes out of the walkie talkie this time, this one with a distinctly recognizable accent. "Glad to hear a competent voice from Jirard's car," Caddy says, sounding just as frustrated as he had five minutes earlier. "I was worried I would have to listen to Moosey's stupid prick voice spew nonsense the entire trip."

"I love you too, James. I'll save you some of my digestives."

"Won't be hard," Ian calls out, plenty loud enough to be picked up by the walkie talkie. "No one else wants your shitty British cookies."

Jon, on the other hand, seems to be focused on an entirely different matter. "Hey, why do you never tell me you love me, Shane?" he asks, pouting again.

Shane's response is immediate. "Because I wouldn't mean it."

"Ouch," PBG sighs, reaching over and patting Jon on the shoulder in consolation, "tough break, dude."

"Oh, I'm sure that's not true!" Jirard jumps in, quick to dispel the claim. "He's probably just trying to give you a hard time, Jon."

In the backseat, Hana lets out a quiet sigh. "I'm pretty sure Shane gives everyone a hard time...," she murmurs.

"Yeah, you're right...," Mai whispers back, leaning in close for her girlfriend to hear. "But I like to think Jon gets bashed a little more than the others..." She giggles to herself, her face boasting a cheeky, knowing grin.

Jon slumps back in his chair and shrugs. "Whatever!" he groans, making his displeasure awfully clear. "Not like I love you either."

Shane rolls his eyes at Jon's childish behavior before turning back to the front with a huff. "Can we just go already?"

But Jirard is already one step ahead of him, and the engine is rumbling to life before the words are all the way out of his mouth. "Way ahead of you, buddy!" He carefully pulls out of their parking space, takes a moment to shift gears, and then they're off.

 

"Satch," pleads Jared, staring down his roommate with a look of mock offense, "Shane's harassing me over walkie talkie!"

Satch smiles and gently takes the walkie talkie out of Jared's hands before hitting the talk button. "Play nice, boys. Don't make me take your toys away." He looks pointedly at Jared, as if emphasizing his point to a small child, before handing the small device back to him.

Jared pouts as he takes the walkie talkie back, looking every bit like the child Satch treated him as. "He started it..."

At this, Satch can't help but laugh a little, and he reaches down to grab a bag of cookies before tossing it at Jared. "I'm sure he did."

Jared wastes no time in prying open the bag, retrieving one cookie for himself and another for Nick, who he turns around and hands the cookie to with a smile. "You're the good one," he says in a tone that's sly at best.

"Thank you, Jared," Nick replies, giving Paul and Josh a smug look at he takes the treat.

"Excuse me?!" Paul sputters. "He's the good one?  _I'm_ the brains of this operation," he proudly claims, jabbing a smug thumb in his own direction. "If anyone is the good one, it's me."

"Yeah," Nick mumbles, "like the evil mastermind."

"You're the brains, Nick's the brawn, and I'm the beauty," Josh contributes with a tiny smile.

"Nick's right," Jared concedes, looking pleased with the response he's gotten. "Just because you're smart doesn't mean you use it for good."

Paul looks between Nick and Josh desperately, a look of utter betrayal on his face. "Why are you two siding with this sparkly idiot? I thought you were supposed to be on my side!"

"Since when have we  _ever_ sided with you?" asks Josh, his face neutral, though his opinion seems to be anything but.

"We're here to keep you in check," adds Nick, prodding Paul in the side to emphasize his point, "and we all know your petty squabbles with Jared never end well for any party involved. Might as well stop you while you're ahead."

Satch notices Jirard pulling away from the curb and takes the hint that it's finally time to go. He takes a moment to glance at the passengers in his car and shakes his head with a smile. "I have a feeling this will be a long trip..." He finally pulls his car key out of his pocket, sticks it in the ignition, and starts up the car, pulling out behind Jirard. "Off we go...," he sighs, imagination already running wild with the way these boys will destroy his car.

 

"Hey, did we finally start up the walkie talkies?" Jeff asks as he climbs into the passenger's seat, staring at the bright pink receiver in Caddy's hand. "Tell PBG I said hi!"

But Caddy ignores him, instead clutching the walkie talkie tightly in both hands and shrieking into it. "Fuck off, Moosey! Can't you see that Shane and I are trying to have a civilized conversation?"

"Okay, okay," Jeff chides as he plucks the gadget out of Caddy's grip, "I think you're done talking to your boyfriend for now." He tosses it over his shoulder, with little care for whether or not it breaks it in process, before moving to buckle his seat belt.

Fortunately for the fate of the walkie talkie, Luke catches the it with relative ease and holds down the talk button. "You are now listening to the soothing sounds of Luke Sizemore," he starts, speaking in his best radio jockey voice. "Sit back, relax, and remember to sub to Yungtown."

"Oh my god," Wallid chokes out, trying his hardest not to laugh at Luke's antics.

Jimmy covers his face with one hand, trying to seem frustrated, when in fact he's holding back a giggle or two himself. "Wallid, don't encourage him..."

"Now," Luke continues, "for your regularly scheduled music!" He briefly lets go of the talk button to nudge Jimmy in the side, moving to hold the walkie talkie between their heads. "Jom, gimme a beat!"

"I got you bro, I got you!" Jimmy tells him, hardly able to contain his laughter at the ridiculous words coming out of his mouth. "Gotta make these Normal Boots noobs jealous." He takes a moment to contain himself before cupping his hand around his mouth and making a simple beat for Luke to follow. It isn't the best, but he never said he was some kind of master beatboxer. Just as long as it pleases Luke. It clearly does, because it only takes a few seconds before he's in the zone, free-styling about Disneyland and licensed games.

Finally noticing the flow of traffic, Jeff smiles widely and starts his car with gusto. "Aw yeah, let's get going!" Within seconds, he's zooming after the others as if he's in a real life game of Nario Kart, leaving only dust in Asagao's wake.


	2. The One Where Continue Destroys the Inside of a Car

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Paul has some fun with a bag of chips, Jon gives everyone a headache karaoke style, and some... admittedly expected feelings come to light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so it isn't exactly a friday update, but it IS 6,000 words, so hopefully that makes up for it??

"If you two aren't going to appreciate my charitable contribution to society," Paul says, plucking a family-sized bag of chips from the lovingly stuffed sack of food Satch provided, "then fine. You get no chips!" Continue's Jared-related dispute has carried on for several minutes now, though what exactly had started it none of them can quite recall. Neither Nick or Josh seem to care though, both of them fixing Paul with equally nasty looks as he hugs the bag of chips tight to his chest. Up front, Satch is beginning to regret ever buying them food in the first place.

"Great, so I'll just starve to death," Josh says, choosing to ignore the bag still stuffed to the brim with snacks resting on the car floor. "Thanks, guys."

"No problem, man!" is Nick's cheerful reply before he very deliberately takes a big bite out of the chocolate chip cookie Jared offered him earlier.

Paul frowns at Nick's carefree response before slowly shifting his gaze over to Josh. "...Fine then." He rips open the top of the bag and tilts it in Josh's direction. "Nick has clearly gone to the dark side," he mutters, casting a dark glare at Nick's half-eaten cookie. "We have to fend for ourselves now."

Josh gives him a small, meaningful smile as he reaches into the bag and takes a handful of chips. "Thank you," he says, this time sincerely.

 "Jared, dear," Satch starts, far too occupied with driving to properly monitor the behavior of the boys in the backseat, "make sure your friends share, please. I'm afraid they'll destroy my car at this rate."

"They're going to destroy it either way," Jared tells him solemnly. "I'll simply be delaying the inevitable."

"I suppose you're right...," Satch sighs, reaching over to place a loving hand on the car's dashboard, as if the car were his own child. "I'm sorry, baby...," he murmurs, his soft words just barely catching Jared's attention. "Mama apologizes for whatever these people may do to you..."

"Learn how to sparkle." Nick narrows his eyes at Paul, holding the cookie close to him as if it were some kind of precious artifact. "Then I'll think about betraying Jared."

At this, Paul furrows his brow. "How, exactly, do you propose I do that?" he asks, cringing slightly as an idea comes to him. "Are you saying that, in order to win you back, I have to basically rub myself all over Jared's stupid face?"

"Wow, Paul," says Nick, making wide eyes at Paul over his cookie. "If you wanna make out with Jared, you don't need me to tell you to."

"Yeah, gross," Josh agrees between individual chips. He eats them slowly and carefully, leaning to one side to ensure he doesn't get any crumbs in the wig that's still positioned in his lap.

" _I'm_ the child?" Jared cries, Satch's words clearly not reaching him well enough. "I—but I thought—" He seems to be completely oblivious to the conversation going on behind him, instead sputtering dumbly at even the slightest notion that he and Satch are not actually married.

Satch adjusts his glasses carefully as he drives, already sounding tired as he addresses Jared again. "Jared, you are a certifiable idiot... You're not my kid, my car is! Do you even know how much love and care I've put into her?" He gently drags his fingertips across the dashboard, smiling slightly now. "And as my husband, it's your job to look after her as well." He relishes the word  _"husband"_ just a tad; just enough to make it clear he enjoys this little roleplaying thing Jared has conjured up in his sparkly brain.

Jared nearly blows a fuse, turning so red Satch may just be able to feel the heat radiating off of his cheeks. "A-ah, right...," he mumbles, desperately wishing that someone, _anyone_ could come and save him from himself. "Of course... M-my mistake."

Paul's face slowly flushes a deep red, although whether it's in frustration or embarrassment is unclear. "I-I never said that! Why would I  _ever_ want to do that?"

"You said 'rub yourself all over Jared's face,'" Nick points out, shrugging quickly as if to tell Paul he doesn't really care  _what_ he decides to do with Jared. "I just jumped to the natural conclusion."

"Can we  _stop_ talking about this?" Josh interjects, clearly frustrated with the subject matter.

Jared quickly turns around, leaning over the back of his seat to join the conversation. "Talking about what?" He figures this is the best out of his conversation with Satch, but he has absolutely no idea what he just threw himself into.

"That's just the part of him that sparkles the most!" Paul insists, too wrapped up in hating Nick to hear anything that Jared might have said. "Your conclusion lacks proper evidence!"

It only takes a few moments for Jared to piece things together; after all, who else sparkles? "Are you all... talking about me?"

"They're talking about Paul making out with you," Josh explains, already sounding incredibly exasperated with the two of them.

"I— _what?!_ " Jared turns to look at Paul so fast it's surprising he doesn't get whiplash right then and there. "That—that never happened! Paul, what the hell are you telling them?"

"Oh, it was all theoretical," Nick reassures him with a small wave of his hand. He then turns back to Paul with the slightest of grins. "Unless, of course, Paul wants it to be otherwise..."

"I  _don't_ _!_ " Paul shouts, launching the bag of chips up into the air. Inevitably, the bag does not come down the way it came up, and the chips are dumped all over the backseat and the car floor.

Satch quietly groans, quickly figuring out what must have happened. "You idiots are lucking I'm driving...," he tells them in a tired voice. "Remind me to never buy you food ever again."

Jared looks at Satch with a mixture of sympathy and exasperation. "Do you remember what I said before we left?"

"I know, I know...," Satch sighs, adjusting his glasses again to carefully hide just how frustrated he actually is. "But I... I wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt..." He rubs his temples with one hand, the other planted firmly on the steering wheel.

"Jesus,  _already?!_ " Nick cries, looking at the mess around them as if he isn't at least partially at fault. "Can't you go five minutes without Pauling it?"

"He wouldn't be Paul if he didn't," Josh points out, trying hard to hide a smile.

"Don't act like you're innocent here!" Paul hisses, grabbing a few of the chips that landed in his lap and throwing them in Nick's face. Nick retaliates immediately, almost as if he had expected the attack. He picks up a handful of chips and dropping them down Paul's shirt, causing Paul to shiver and wince simultaneously as they scrape down his back.

Josh drapes himself over the wig stand in his lap, because there is no way he will let these two fuck up something so important to him. Still, he picks up a chip off the floor and aims it so it bounces off of Nick's glasses and hits Paul in the forehead. "Trick shot."

Paul flies back in his seat in surprise as Josh's perfectly aimed shot beans him in the face, crushing the chips Nick dropped down his shirt into his back. He groans in surprise more than pain before sitting back up and addressing them both. "You two wanna go?!" He takes what's left of the chips in his reach and stuffs them down the back of both of their shirts, just so he can feel superior.

"Seriously?!" Nick shrieks. He does his best to get as many of the chips out of his shirt as possible, grabbing the back of his shirt's collar and shaking it almost violently. On Paul's other side, Josh cringes at the feeling of the chips going down his back, but otherwise stays where he is, not wanting to risk ruining the pristine state of the wig.

As soon as Nick's gotten the last chip out of his clothes he springs back to action, scooping another handful of chips off of the car floor before crushing them over Paul's head. Paul desperately tries to use his fingers to comb the chips out of his hair, only succeeding in getting crumbs everywhere. "Not the hair...!"

"It's two against one, Ritchey!" Josh calls out, his body still curled protectively around the wig stand. "You're outnumbered!" It seems being in a disadvantaged position won't stop him from mocking Paul at any given moment.

"That's what you think!" cries Paul, moving to gather as many chips in his arms as possible. "I don't need numbers to win!"

"I am going to kill all three of them," Jared mutters in a tiny, dark voice. "All at once, not one by one."

"Please do," Satch whispers back, sounding like he's in great pain just listening to this chaos. "I'll love you forever."

"The feeling's mutual," Jared says without thinking, starting to turn around in his seat to give the boys a piece of his mind.

But Satch can hardly hear him over the commotion in the backseat. "I'm sorry, what was that?"

Satch's question is cut short as Paul releases a mighty battle cry, flinging the chips in his arms with maximum force. They fly out in all directions, one consequently beaning Jared in the back of the head. All three boys freeze as Jared turns around to give them a glare that spells murder. "If the three of you don't stop this instant," he says in an eerily soft voice, "I swear to all that is holy Satch will turn this car around and  _no one_ will be going to Bisneyland today! Am I understood?"

Josh responds with little hesitation, seeing as he'd really like to keep the wig safe. "Yes."

Nick slowly moves from his fighting stance until he's sitting with his hands in his lap, looking guilty. "Definitely," is all he says, as if he's suddenly ashamed of himself for participating in the first place.

Paul stares at Jared dumbfounded for a moment before crossing his arms and huffing slightly. "Crystal clear," he says, shooting Jared back a glare of his own. And then, under his breath, "Just go back to fawning over your husband or whatever..." Up front, Satch breathes a sigh of relief at the knowledge that the carnage is over... for now, at least.

Jared glares at Paul for just a moment longer before turning back to the front and grabbing the walkie talkie from it's resting spot in the console. He pushes down the talk button and holds it close to his face as he speaks. "Let it be known that it took—" he pauses to check the time on his expensive-looking watch, "—thirteen minutes for Paul, Nick, and Josh to completely destroy the inside of poor Satch's car."

"I was wondering when the call would come," says Shane's voice through a curtain of white noise. "It was taking a while."

"Please, Jared...," Satch whimpers, his shoulders sagging as he grips the steering wheel. "Don't say they  _completely_ destroyed it..."

"Oh, I'm sure they'll find a way to destroy it further," Jared tells him with complete confidence.

Now that the war has ended, Josh sits back up and shakes the chips out of the back of his shirt. "You know, sometimes I really wonder if—" he starts, before cutting himself off with a loud yawn.

Nick leans forward a bit to look past Paul, fixing Josh with a concerned look. "You doing alright over there?"

"Yeah," Josh sighs, rubbing his eyes, "I just... It's too early for this shit." And that it is. The sun still shows no sign of rising, the headlights of the cars around them providing the only real light source to speak of. It seems general excitement and the adrenaline of the food fight was enough to keep Josh up for a while, but now that it's wearing off his eyelids feel heavy.

"Stop complaining," Paul grumbles as he struggles to let the last few chips out of his shirt, "you two started it."

"Excuse me?!" Nick leans back in his seat, throwing Paul another ugly glare. "You threw chips in my face! And even if you hadn't, it was you who got them everywhere in the first—"

Josh tugs roughly on Paul's sleeve, effectively silencing both him and Nick. "Shut up, both of you." He moves in his seat so he can rest his head on Paul's shoulder, leaning against his side. "I'm really not in the mood to deal with it."

Paul's not sure he can help the light blush that spreads across his cheeks. After all, that's... probably normal. "Oh, uh... S-sorry..." For the first time today, he seems utterly defeated, and he casts Nick an apologetic glance before resting his head on Josh's and going silent.

"Wow, way to leave me out," Nick says, but he definitely looks amused.

"No one said you had to be," Josh mumbles blearily, opening one eye to glance in Nick's direction. "Get over here if you want. Paul has really round shoulders..."

After hearing this, Nick gives Paul a look somewhere between,  _"Is he okay?"_ and,  _"Can I?"_ Paul simply shrugs his unoccupied shoulder, as if to say both,  _"I have no clue,"_ and  _"If you really want to,"_ the pink dusting his cheeks deepening slightly. This is definitely the most normal thing he's ever done. There's no need to remind himself of that, but here he is doing it anyways. Just... totally normal.

Nick seems happy enough with that response and moves to rest his head on Paul's other shoulder. But before he does, he takes off his glasses and leaves them in his lap, like he's planning on staying in this position for quite a while.

Jared chooses now of all times to take a peek at the backseat, this time stopping short when he sees how shockingly peaceful the boys have become. He was expecting to see them doing _something_ , but not this. "...And just what are the three of you doing?"

Paul blushes even harder at Jared's scrutinizing look, resembling nothing short of a tomato. "Uh, we, uh..." He swallows thickly, waiting a few moments in hopes that either of the two boys resting on him will speak up, but he's met with silence. Josh has either passed out or is feigning sleep and Nick seems perfectly content to let him stumble through a response. He's clearly on his own.  _Fuck... You two did this on purpose..._ After a moment, he decides it's probably best to play it cool and takes a breath to calm himself before speaking. "You got a problem?" he asks, forcing his face to relax into a somewhat bored expression, as if nothing's happening. (This is, after all, totally normal. Nothing weird or nervous-making about it at all.)

Jared gives the three of them a final once-over before sending Paul an award-winning smile. "Nope. Have fun with your boyfriends!" He chuckles a bit as he turns back to the front, clearly pleased with his work.

Paul really must be a nice heater for Nick and Josh's faces right about now, considering just how much heat is emanating from his cheeks.  _Fuck you, Jared...,_ he thinks, but stays quiet, deciding against a stinging resort. Instead he discreetly wraps his arms around his friends' waists, for the sake of all of their comfort (or at least, that's what he tells himself).

From his spot on Paul's shoulder, Josh smiles, still tired but very much awake.  _Nick and Josh - 1. Jared - 0._

As Jared sits back in his seat, Satch casts a glance at him from out of the corner of his eye. "Do I want to know?"

"The question is, are you really surprised?" Jared asks, knowing full well Satch can see exactly what's going on from just a glance at the rearview mirror.

Satch smiles, once again adjusting his glasses in his usual Satch fashion. "No, I suppose I'm not." After all, Paul is probably more surprised than either of them could ever be.

 

After Jon's fourth rendition of Katie Berry's "Firecracker", Shane has resorted to repeatedly bashing his head against the dashboard, silently praying he'll go deaf if he hits himself hard enough.

"Uh... Are you okay there, buddy?" Jirard asks him, only barely loud enough to be heard over Jon's screeching.

"I'm fine," Shane tells him, and it's a fucking lie. Behind him, Jon is singing and dancing in that charming JonTron way, except the charm is long gone and everyone in the car is at least a little tired of the bouncy pop music blasting out of Jacques's speakers. PBG is taking it a bit too literally, somehow sleeping soundly through Jon's musical extravaganza. And then there's Mai, who, despite her own exasperation with Jon's choice in music, is greatly enjoying watching Shane suffer from her spot in the backseat. Ian has taken the easy route and is simply tuning Jon out, playing Begemstone with his headphones drilled into his ears.

Hana has no real problem with Jon's... enthusiasm, but she  _is_ a little afraid of what Shane might do to him if this continues. "Should we be worried...?" she whispers to Mai, leaning in close so she'll actually be able to hear her over all of the noise.

Mai simply shrugs, grinning cheekily. "I honestly have no clue, but I'm kind of excited to find out." She takes another glance at Shane and frowns. "But... it does look like he's about to give himself a concussion..."

"I'm starting to think you might be sadistic," Hana mutters.

After hitting his head against the dashboard once more, Shane reconsiders his choices. Perhaps throwing himself out of the minivan and embracing death is a quicker solution to this problem... Or maybe Jon just isn't worth that sort of effort. "Jon!" he cries out, struggling to be heard over the thumping music.

Thrown off his groove at the sound of Shane's voice, Jon stills, quickly tapping the top of Jacques's head to pause the music. "Whaddya want? I was in the zone!"

Shane leans over the back of his seat to glare daggers at Jon, his voice taking on a deadly tone as he speaks. "Do you know... how  _obnoxious_ you are being right now?"

"Shane...," Jirard starts, trying his best to be gentle even in the face of his roommate's fury. "Be nice, he was just—"

"We've been driving for  _half an hour_ and he's already sung this song four times!" Shane gestures fiercely to the window, where the sky is barely beginning its transition from black to blue. "It's not even light out!"

Jon frowns at him, a familiar stubborn look etched across his features. "You're just jealous of my beautiful singing voice!"

"Yeah," Mai scoffs, only loud enough for Hana's ears to catch, "that's what it is..." How PBG shares a room with him, she'll never know.

"God, you're no fun, Shane. Live a little!"

"Pick a different song and maybe I will!"

"Shane has a point," Hana speaks up, hoping her words will smooth things out a little. "You've listened to that song a lot... And I'm sure we'd all like to hear the other songs you have, so...!" She's not so sure Shane wants to hear any more music at all, but she supposes that's one detail that's best to omit.

At her careful suggestion, Jon beams. "You're right, Hana! Here," he fishes a sheet of paper out of his jacket pocket titled  _"Jacques's Mix Tape"_ and shoves it into Hana's hands, "pick a song! Until then, allow me to serenade you all anew!" He taps Jacques's head a second time, starting "Firecracker" all over again.

"Oh, holy hell...," Mai groans, shooting her girlfriend a desperate look. "Please hurry, Hana...," she begs as Jon launches into the opening lyrics of the song.

"Um, uh, I...!" Hana stutters helplessly, fumbling with the paper for just a second too long.

"That's  _enough_ _!_ " Shane shouts, reaching over and whacking Jacques on the back of the head. He's careful not to hit him hard enough to any lasting damage, instead striking him with just enough force to turn the music off. "I have had it with you today! Not everyone wants to listen to your screeching for half an hour, especially not at  _five in the fucking morning!_ "

"Jacques!" Jon shrieks, a petrified look on his face as he scoops up his feathered friends and inspects him thoroughly. "Are you okay?"

"I am fine," Jacques reassures him, his eyes glowing brightly in the darkness of the car. He ruffles his feathers slightly, trying to get them all back in the right place after Shane's outburst. "Do not get your panties in a twist."

Jon turns to glare at Shane, fire practically erupting in his eyes. "What the hell, Shane?! Why'd you go and hit Jacques like that? You could've hurt him!"

"Because you clearly haven't listened to a word I've said!" Shane yells back, growing more heated by the second. "You're so focused on that ridiculous song, you haven't taken a single second to consider how anyone  _else_ in the car might feel! It's always about you and Jacques, no one else matters! And god forbid they interrupt your little fantasy world, even if that world inconveniences everyone around you!"

Jon goes silent, clutching Jacques close to his chest. He looks about ready to cry, but refuses to give Shane the satisfaction; instead he gets angry, turning away so he won't have to meet Shane's eyes. "Well fuck you too, man. Acting all high and mighty when you're not any fucking better!"

"Not any—" Shane starts, his eyes wide in offense, but he quickly switches gears. "All I've done was stop you, and I know for a solid fact I wasn't the only one bothered by your ridiculous—"

"Oh my god, you two!" Ian cries, finally popping a headphone out of one ear to give them both a tired look. "Just make out already and get it over with!"

A few seats over, Mai lets out a manic giggle. "Oh, so I wasn't the only one thinking it?"

Jon lets out a variety of startled noises (including more than one "ech"), before turning to sputter at Ian. "Hey now! Why the hell would we do that?" All of his anger seems to have faded, now replaced with sheer confusion.

Shane turns back to stare out the window as his cheeks heat up, hoping he can hide just how pink he is. Unfortunately for him, this doesn't slip by Jirard, who joins in on the conversation in a teasing voice. "I don't know, it looks like Shane's enjoying the idea!"

At these words, Shane starts, turning around and desperately trying to convince the rest of the car otherwise, despite how flushed his face may be. "That is not true! Don't listen to him. I have no idea where he got that idea from."

"Aww, Shane!" Mai coos between snickers. "Is that a blush I see?"

Fortunately for Shane, Jon is suddenly and inexplicably on his side. "Don't worry, buddy!" he chirps, giving him a thumbs up and a sunny smile. "I believe you!" He must be colorblind if he thinks Shane isn't blushing bright pink, but such is the life of a JonTron.

Shane turns just a shade pinker at Jon's smile, but he tries his best to ignore it. "Good. Because that's honestly the last thing I'd like to do right now."

"Sure," Ian drawls, his voice dripping with Moose-brand sarcasm. "And that's why you look like a piece of bubblegum right now."

"Shut the fuck up," is all Shane says, shooting him a half-hearted glare.

Jon seems to be ignoring Ian all together, likely out of a sense of obliviousness than because of any sort of denial he might be in. "Yeah, likewise. I'd rather not kiss ya, if we're being honest here." In the backseat, Mai pantomimes in his general direction, as if her desperation will somehow save her _"precious OTP"_ from dying.

Shane's expression darkens all at once, the flush slowly leaving his face. "Oh," he says, more to himself than Jon. "Right." He turns back to the front, leaving the car eerily quiet.

"Geez," Hana murmurs, keeping her voice down low so only Mai and Ian can hear, "what's his problem?"

"What?" Ian whispers back, his eyes wide in surprise. "You mean you  _don't_ know?"

To Hana's left, Mai lets loose an exasperated sigh. "C'mon Hana, seriously? You haven't caught on yet?"

Realizing she must really  _not_ know, Ian leans in close to her ear, cupping a hand around his mouth to ensure Jon won't overhear. "Shane's got a crush on Jon the size of Mars," he tells her, risking a glance in the grumpy Brit's direction. "But of course Jon's too dense to ever pick up on it."

"Seriously?" Hana breathes out, not at all sure how to process the information she's just been given. "I never would have guessed..."

Mai leans in as well, matching Ian's stance on the opposite side of Hana. "How could you not? It's so obvious!" She sends a sorrowful look in Shane's direction, letting out a tiny, forlorn sigh. "Poor guy... Do you think there's hope?" she asks Ian, seeing as he knows them at least marginally better than she does.

"Oh, definitely," Ian says, punctuating the statement with a certain nod of his head. "Have you seen them during class? The only person I've ever seen make Shane laugh is Jon. And Jon clearly takes whatever he says to heart. They'll crack eventually, as long as Jon doesn't drive him off the deep end first." He glances between the two of them: Jon, who's taken by entertaining himself by drawing on PBG's sleeping face; and Shane, who's staring out the window with a sour look stuck on his face. "No matter how much they push each other's buttons, they're friends deep down. That much is obvious."

"Sounds familiar...," Hana mumbles, eyeing Ian skeptically. 

Next to her, Mai can't help but smirk. "You, uh, sure you're still talking about Shane and Jon there?"

"Uh, yeah," Ian answers, narrowing his eyes slightly. "Who else would I be talking about?" When Hana gives him a tired look, he only continues to question them. "What? I seriously don't know."

"Really?" Mai groans, rolling her eyes. "Now who's the oblivious one? Are you seriously playing dumb?"

"I'm  _not_ ," Ian insists, the frustrated look on his face making his honesty clear.

Hana hesitates, starting to wonder if Ian is ready to hear this information... But she figures it's too late to go back now. "We were just thinking...," she starts, drawing the words out slowly as if it will make the news easier to break, "that sounds a lot like you and Caddy."

Ian is stunned into silence for just a moment before he quickly picks up where he left off. "No way," he says, this time making no effort to hold back his volume. "First of all, James and I aren't even  _friends_."

"Oh, come  _on_ _!_ " Mai practically shouts, throwing her hands up in the air in aggravation. "You two are completely obsessed with each other, past the point of a normal rivalry, and you're the only person who calls him James! There's no way you two aren't  _at least_ friends."

"I only call him James because I know he hates it!" Ian points out, his normal quiet exasperation all but tossed in the trash. "And I'm  _not_ the only one. Shane," he calls out, "you call him James too, right?" Shane just gives him a small nod in response, clearly hesitant to step into the hell that is one of Caddy and Ian's arguments (even if Caddy isn't actually present). "See?" Ian cries, as if Shane's word settles the argument once and for all. "And for the record,  _he's_ obsessed with  _me_. Not the other way around."

But Mai still isn't convinced. "That's not what it looks like to me. Just face it, Ian. Your petty arguments have 'angry make out session' written all over them. Besides, even if you don't like him, he definitely has a thing for you."

"Oh yeah, definitely!" Jon chimes in, finally catching onto just what they're talking about. It seems this conversation is slowly becoming a whole car affair. "PBG and I talked about this once. Right, buddy?" He rustles PBG from his slumber now that his face has been adorned with all sorts of ridiculous doodles.

"Huh...?" PBG sighs drowsily, stretching slightly as he sits upright. "What are we talking about...?"

Mai sends the two of them a look before turning back to Ian with a smug grin on her face. "See? Even the nerd brigade agrees!"

Ian rolls his eyes, but he's starting to look at least a little flustered. "If he was into me, I'd know. He's about as subtle as a trainwreck." When he's greeted with silence, he calls out to the front of the car again. "Shane, you're with me, right? You and James hang out all the time for your dumb foreign exchange student meetings! He doesn't  _like_ me."

Shane hesitates, before shrugging and making a wiggly hand gesture.

"No," Ian gasps, looking nothing short of horrified.

"Oh yes," Mai corrects, feeling victorious and looking extremely pleased with her handiwork.

"Yeah...," PBG adds as he regains consciousness, finally piecing together what this conversation is about. "Sorry, dude."

Ian stares at his lap with wide eyes for a moment, before suddenly extending his hand out in front of him. "Give me the walkie talkie," he demands and Shane complies, picking it up and holding it out for Jon to pass back to him.

Jon takes it from him, looking warily at Ian before ultimately deciding to hand it to him. "What are you doing...?"

Ian doesn't reply. Instead he holds down the talk button and speaks into the tiny, heart-shaped device. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but we're having an argument in Jirard's car and I need James's...  _expert_ opinion."

Instead of Caddy, it's Jimmy's voice that everyone is greeted with. "Ian? Well, this is a surprise! I thought Shane was holding you all hostage... What do you need Caddy for?"

"Give me that," says a distinctly British voice, sounding much fainter than Jimmy's. There's a quick rustling sound, presumably as Caddy yanks the walkie talkie out of Jimmy's hands. "The fuck do you want, Moosey?" he asks, his voice significantly clearer.

As soon as Caddy's voice can be heard over the line, Ian tenses up, almost as if he's bracing for impact. "This is going to be really awkward for both of us," he begins, his shoulders beginning to bunch up near his ears, "but... Do you have a crush on me, yes or no?" It occurs to him just how much like a middle schooler he sounds, but he decides to ignore that fact in favor of getting a straightforward answer out of his rival.

There's a long pause before Caddy's voice comes from the speaker, but when it does, it comes out a sputtering mess. "E-excuse me...? Do I  _what_ _?!_ " A few muffled snickers can be heard in the background, no doubt coming from their fellow club members.

"I don't know!" Ian shouts, clutching the walkie talkie tightly in both hands. "They all think you're into me or something!"

"I've seen the way you two look at each other," Jared cuts in, his voice coming from the walkie talkie in smooth waves. "It's definitely a yes on both ends."

"One," Ian spits, "no it's not, and two, I want to hear it from him."

"Shut the hell up, Jared!" Caddy cries, clearly flustered  _and_ going out of his way to avoid the question. "W-why would you ever think that...? And why were you all talking about this?!"

"He's dodging the question," Mai whispers in a giddy voice. "That means it's a yes!"

"No it doesn't!" Ian snaps at her before quickly pushing the talk button again, his words coming out in a raging torrent. "Yes or no, James, it isn't that hard!"

This time the pause is much shorter. When Caddy speaks again, his voice all but erupts out of the walkie talkie, sudden enough to make Hana jump. "Fine, _fuck!_ " he screams, his voice nearly cracking as he spills his feelings out for all three cars to hear. "Yes, I fucking love you! Are you happy now?! Have you all had your fucking fun?! Now leave me the fuck  _alone_ _!_ " There's the brief crackling sound of the walkie talkie being thrown before the line goes dead silent.

All at once, the other members of the car turn to look at Ian expectantly. He stays quiet for a long moment before carefully setting the walkie talkie down in his lap. "He probably only said it because you all pressured him into it," he says at last, refusing to look anyone in the face.

"Seriously?" Hana sighs, looking disappointed more than anything else. "He just said it, what more do you want?"

"Nothing," Ian claims, but his face makes his nerves abundantly clear. "It's just... the guys must have been teasing him. He just said it to shut them up."

"God, you're such an idiot...," Mai moans, looking just about ready to tear her hair out.

In the seat in front of her, PBG frowns skeptically. "I dunno, he sounded pretty genuine to me..."

Hana watches the way Ian avoids everyone's eyes, never moving his gaze from the walkie talkie in his lap. Something tells her this isn't just a simple case of denial. "Are... are you okay?" she asks carefully.

"I don't know," he sighs. "I mean... there's no way he could have meant it, right?" Despite how defeated he sounds, there's the barest flicker of hope in his eyes as he turns the walkie talkie over in his hands. "There's no way he could ever..." He doesn't finish the sentence, but the intent is clear.

The whole car goes quiet for a moment, no one quite sure what to say, until a cheerful, optimistic voice breaks the silence. "Well... I guess we'll just find out!" PBG tells Ian, sending him a warm smile in hopes of calming him down. "After all, Bisneyland is the happiest place on earth! Something's bound to happen, right?"

"Yeah!" Mai adds, nodding soundly in agreement. "PBG is right; you shouldn't worry about it too much right now."

"Ian," Shane says, turning in his seat to fix him with a serious look, "I spend plenty enough time with James to know what his interests are, and you are number one on that list. If you like him, you should just go for it. At this point, nothing's stopping you."

"But I  _don't—_ " Ian starts, only to silence himself when Hana places a gentle hand on his shoulder. "...I'll think about it."

Mai smiles and leans against Hana, seeming pleased as punch with the current situation. "Good job, Hana!" she whispers into her girlfriend's ear. "Next up is Shane!" She giggles, resting her head on Hana's shoulder.

"Atta boy, Ian!" Jon says in his best encouraging voice, grinning widely before turning to address PBG instead. "Oh, and uh, Peebs? You got a little something on your face..."

PBG cocks an eyebrow and fishes his phone out of his pocket, using the dark screen to examine the art project Jon left on his face. "Ugh, Jon..." He begins rigorously scrubbing at his face with the sleeve of his jacket, Jon snickering all the while. It seems the atmosphere of the car has been brought back to its natural balance.


	3. The One Where They Play Gay Chicken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hidden Block talks about crushes old and new, they stop for breakfast, and all hell breaks loose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a consistent update schedule?? what is that?????

Luke waits one, two, three beats after the walkie talkie bounces off the dashboard and lands on the floor of the backseat to lean forward and stare at Caddy with expectant eyes. Since he's sitting in the middle seat, this results in him laying his body over the console and resting his chin in one hand. "So. How long?"

Caddy doesn't look at him, but his face is flushed scarlet, which says enough. "How long  _ what _ ?" he grumbles, even if the answer is obvious.

"C'mon, Caddy, you know what he's talking about," Jimmy says, grinning impishly. "I'm pretty curious myself."

Suddenly Caddy snaps his head back to face them all, absolutely fuming. "Fuck. Off," he tells them, cheeks blazing red. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Oh, come on. It's not a big deal!" Wallid reassures him. He pauses for a second before continuing, this time sounding more sheepish. "I had a crush on Luke when we were first starting up the club. It's the main reason I asked him to join."

This gets Luke to sit up and turn around, smiling widely at his clubmate. "Really? Nice! I was into Hana for a while." He shrugs, as if trying to emphasize what a minor deal his statement is. "I feel like it's kind of hard not to be."

"Hell, I had a crush on  _ you _ when I first joined," Jimmy contributes, batting his eyes in Caddy's direction. "That accent gets to you..."

"Thanks, guys...," Caddy sighs, visibly relaxing a little. "But it's no use..."

But Luke is distracted now, staring at Jimmy with untamable curiosity in his eyes. "Ooh, then what about Shane? Did you want the murdercock, Jimbo?"

"Hell no!" Jimmy cries, his speech punctuated with bell-like giggles. "I don't have a death wish...!"

"What?" Caddy starts, apparently distracted as well. "You don't think I'm scary?"

"It's not that," Jimmy reassures him, holding a hand out in front of his chest. "It's just that you seem all stern and mean but we all know you would never actually hurt someone. Whereas Shane... I have no doubt he would rip someone's dick off if angered." He shivers. "So no, Luke, I did not, in fact, 'want the murdercock.'"

"Aww. Shame," Luke mumbles, before turning to look at their driver with a new sense of warped curiosity. "Jeff, what about you? Maybe some soccer team romances you never told us about?"

At his words, Jeff can't help but blush lightly. "Soccer team romances? Um, I mean..." He lets out a nervous chuckle. "I'm not sure if that's what I'd call it..."

"Ooh," Luke grins, sitting back in his seat in the perfect  _ "ready for story time" _  position, "elaboration is needed!"

Jeff squirms a little in his seat, adjusting his grip on steering wheel as he speaks. "Well, uh, you see..." He tries to sound as cheerful as ever, but he's evidently embarrassed as he begins his story. "It's not really that exciting." He gives another strained laugh before proceeding. "It's just that a while back, after one of our matches, PBG and I were in the showers washing up and stuff, as we do. Then we started goofing off a bit... like we always do! But then I, uh...," there's a great hesitance, as if he's trying to find the right way to word whatever he's about to say, "sorta, kinda... slipped...?" His voice gets a little softer as he continues. "And I may or may not have fallen on him and we...," the last part comes out only as a quiet mumble, "we may or may not have accidentally kissed...?"

"Of course it was PBG!" is Luke's reaction, and it seems he isn't alone in his opinion.

"Yeah, called it," says Wallid before he leans over to prod at the side of Caddy's seat. "But we're getting off-topic here. I wanna hear about this Ian thing." Up front, Jeff breathes a sigh of relief, able to focus all of his energy on the road again now that the spotlight is off of him.

“What’s there to hear?” Caddy starts, crossing his arms and staring out the window resolutely. “I like the idiot, so what?”

“You never answered my question, that’s what!” Luke whines, leaning forward in his seat again to get a better view of his sulking friend. “We all wanna know the details! Specifically, how long has this been going on for?”

He’s definitely flustered Caddy again; that much is made clear by the wobble in the other boy’s voice as he speaks. “I-I mean…”  _ Probably since around the time I first met him, but…  _ he couldn’t say that to them, could he? Well, they asked, so it’s either that or come up with a better answer within the next five seconds. He groans. “How long have I known you all again…?”

“Wow,” Jimmy snickers, “you’ve been pining that long, huh? That’s some dedication…”

“It wasn’t like that! I hated his guts at first! But...” He exhales as he watches the scenery roll by in green waves. “As they say, there’s a fine line between love and hate…”

“Oh, yeah…,” Luke drawls, the slightest smirk gracing his features, “a  _ real  _ fine line. Like, itty bitty. Microscopic, even.”

“And you’re standing on it,” Wallid adds, his expression holding just as much amusement as Luke’s.

“Don’t remind me!” Caddy moans, flailing in his seat a bit before eventually burying his face in his hands. “And Moosey is so  _ clearly  _ on the opposite side… He’s such a fucking prick, I shouldn’t even care…” He moves his head just slightly, peeking up over the tops of his fingertips. “Why  _ do  _ I care?!”

“Damn dude,” Jimmy sighs, “you’ve got it  _ bad _ .”

But Luke seems to have something else on his mind now and. He looks at Caddy quietly for a moment before speaking. “Is ‘Moosey’ a pet name?” he asks, unsmiling. It seems this time he’s not trying to tease him; he’s just genuinely curious. Regardless, Wallid starts laughing hysterically, propping himself up against the back of Jeff’s seat so he can figure out how to breathe properly again.

Caddy turns crimson, wasting no time before snapping at the both of them. “Sh-shut your goddamn traps! I just call him that to piss him off! Nothing more!”

“Really, Luke?” Jimmy gasps between giggles of his own. “What, have you  _ never  _ heard him call Ian that before?”

“No, no, I have!” Luke clarifies, sitting upright as he waves his hands in front of him. “I was just thinking, maybe he’s been saying it with that in mind the entire time. Geez, Jim Bean, I thought you knew me better than that!”

“Fair enough, fair enough…,” Jimmy says as his laughter subsides. He turns and eyes Caddy, as if to ask,  _ “Well, have you?” _

Caddy has to take a moment to consider it. The idea had honestly never occurred to him before.  _ Have I…? No, no way…  _ “It’s… just force of habit…” He grins slightly, a touch of trouble in his gaze as he finally finds a way to turn the conversation back in his favor. “Like all of your silly nicknames for Jimmy.”

But Luke meets his grin with an equally confident one. “Hey, I never said those  _ weren’t  _ pet names. How do you know I haven’t been flirting with Jom this entire time?”

“Because if you had been,” Wallid points out, “Jimmy would have gotten on that by now.”

“Awwww, babe!” Jimmy cries, throwing an arm around Luke’s shoulders, pressing their bodies together easily. “I didn’t know you had a thing for me!”

Wallid gives them a tired smile. “Like I said.”

Luke turns his head to meet Jimmy’s eyes, leaving only inches of distance between them. “And what if I did?”

Jimmy doesn’t back down; instead he moves in closer, only stopping when their noses are about to brush. “Don’t tease me now, Lukey…,” he whispers, despite the playful tone his own voice carries. “No need to be so shy.” He winks, a gesture that makes Caddy groan and turn to look out the window again.

Wallid, trapped in the backseat with them, simply leans against the car door, unsure whether to feel exasperated or entertained. “Wow, I didn’t know we were playing gay chicken.”

Luke takes it just a little further, leaning in close enough to feel Jimmy’s breath ghost across his lips. “We’re not,” he says to Wallid, but his eyes never stray from Jimmy’s face. “I just love seeing how my sweet Crystal Jim reacts to these things.”

Jimmy can feel himself starting to turn red, but he refuses to surrender now. He inches just a tiny bit closer, their lips nearly touching now. “You won’t break me that easily. Or maybe you’re just hoping for a kiss…”

Luke shifts slightly, letting their lips just barely brush together, so softly it could have been an accident. “Maybe I am. You are pretty cute, after all…”

Jimmy’s face flushes as what’s happening finally occurs to him.  _ Fuck, am I really gonna do this…? Am I gonna give my first kiss to Luke?  _ But before he has any more time to think about it, Jeff calls out, “Oh, watch out, you guys!” seconds before they hit a large bump in the road. With no time to react, the momentum throws Jimmy forward, slamming his lips onto Luke’s. He freezes instantly, wide eyed and far too startled to move an inch from his position against Luke.

Luke’s eyes shut gently, and he leans into the accidental kiss for just a second before pulling away. Whether it was because he really wanted to or it was simply to carry on their little game is entirely unclear. “Whoa! Unexpected, but hey.” He throws Jimmy a coy grin. “Not unwelcome.”

“Jesus, you two,” says Wallid, who seems to have settled with exasperation, “keep it in your pants.”

Jimmy swallows as he slowly sits up, smirking in an attempt to mask his blush. “Calm down, Wallid. That was all the car.” He turns to Luke then, forcing his smirk wider. “But welcome, was it? If you really wanted a kiss, Luke, you could’ve just asked…”

There’s a shifting sound is the passenger’s seat before Caddy’s face is visible to the backseat again. He had stopped listening some time ago, but now he stares down the trio with a sense of abject curiosity. “What the hell did I just miss?”

“They started sucking face,” Wallid states simply.

“C’mon, you guys,” Caddy sighs, trying to seem tired despite the obvious amusement in his eyes, “keep the gay to a minimum. We haven’t even reached the first stop yet!”

“Aww, it was just a peck!” Luke insists. “Nothing Jom hasn’t gotten before, right?” He turns to Jimmy and smiles brightly, completely unaware that he just took the boy’s first kiss.

Jimmy runs a nervous hand through his hair as suavely as he can manage, turning towards the car window slightly to hide the fact that he’s starting to sweat.  _ Fuck…  _ “Yeah, totally. Nothing new.”

“See? Then no harm done!” says Luke, a goofy smile plastered across his face. He’s able to switch back into his teasing smirk in seconds, however. “Long as you don’t start falling for me.”

Jimmy grins right back, having more or less regained his composure, despite still feeling a little worked up over the kiss. But he plays it cool regardless, because no one needs to know he just had his first kiss in the backseat of Jeff’s car. “Who knows? Maybe I already have.” Luke just laughs in response, marking the end of their little game for now.

“Hey, and you’re one to talk, Caddy,” Wallid points out. “You started it with the whole confession business.”

“Oh, don’t act like you weren’t involved in that!” Caddy retorts, gripping the side of his seat and glaring hard in Wallid’s direction. “If you four hadn’t harassed me I never would have said it…”

“Whatever,” Wallid concludes with a shrug. He leans his head against the window, staring at the empty space in front of him rather than at anyone in particular. “Where are we stopping for breakfast, anyways?”

“I think Satch said something about an IHOW?” Jeff says, squinting slightly as he steers the car around a particularly angular turn, as if trying to recall the memory in picture-perfect clarity. “I think we’re getting close!”

At this news, Wallid springs upward in his seat, throwing his hands up in the air. “Yes! Let’s grab Ian and make him and Caddy share a booth seat!”

“Sounds like a plan!” Luke agrees, looking equally excited at the prospect of a matchmaking job with a high probability of success.

“No, you will not!” Caddy shrieks, staring the two of them down with wide, fiery eyes. “That is not a plan that will be happening. I want to be as far away from him as possible.”

“Nope, this is definitely happening now,” Luke declares, already fishing around on the car floor to find the walkie talkie. “I’m getting everyone in on it.” Finally, he holds up the walkie talkie victoriously, crying out, “Aha, here we go!”

“Don’t you  _ dare _ !” Caddy shouts, reaching around the side of his seat to make a grab for the walkie talkie. Unfortunately, it seems his seatbelt is doing more harm than good, because Luke is just out of his reach. “You  _ prick _ , I will hurt you!”

Luke holds the walkie talkie a little closer to himself, just in case, as he presses the talk button. “Hey Ian, we’re making you sit next to Caddy at breakfast!”

Ian’s voice spills out of the walkie talkie almost instantly, making Luke wonder if he’s been keeping the walkie talkie close to him since Caddy’s confession. “Not happening.”

“Yes it is! Mai, you have strong volleyball arms; you gotta help me out with this!”

There’s a short crackling sound, surely Mai wrestling the walkie talkie away from Ian, before the redhead’s voice fills the line. “Aye aye!”

“Luke,” Caddy stretches his arm out a little further, but it’s still not enough to snatch the infernal device out of his friend’s grip, “it’s not happening, you  _ twat _ !”

Luke lets go of the talk button briefly, just long enough to look at Caddy and say, “Hey, I’m just trying to help a bro out!” He presses down the button again, holding the walkie talkie close to his face as he speaks. “Thanks Mai! I owe you one!”

“You’re ruining my life is what you’re doing…,” Caddy groans.   
“Oh, come now,” Jimmy giggles, leaning forward in his seat to fix Caddy with a playful look, “it’s not  _ that _ bad.”

“Just don’t hurt anyone, okay?” comes Hana’s voice from the walkie talkie, sounding a bit off to the side, like she’s leaning over her girlfriend to be heard. “They’re both pretty stubborn…”

“Hana!” shouts Ian distantly, just barely audible. “Whose side are you  _ on _ ?!”

“Yours, dumbass! Now shut up!” Mai can be heard saying, quite muffled; and then, clearer, “No problem, Luke!”

With this, Luke slams the walkie talkie down on the car seat… or on Jimmy’s thigh. Whoops. Fortunately, he didn’t set it down hard enough to hurt the poor guy, but his hand now rests firmly on Jimmy’s thigh. “I’m ready to make this happen!” he declares.

“Y-yeah, let’s do this!” Jimmy agrees, fighting hard to will away the blush creeping onto his cheeks. Dammit, Luke will  _ not _ get the better of him like this…!

“Jeff, how close are we?” Luke asks, looking to their driver for a quick estimation.

But Wallid is already on it, having pulled up Geegle Maps on his phone. “We’re about four minutes away from the nearest IHOW, assuming that’s the one we’re going to.”

“Yup!” Jeff chirps. “That’s it, alright!”

“I fucking hate all of you…,” Caddy grumbles, sitting stiffly upright in his seat, silently preparing himself to make a run for it.

“Operation Caddimoose is a go!” Wallid cries, raising his hand up for a high five.

“Hell yeah it is!” Luke takes his hand off of Jimmy’s thigh to reciprocate, making the first year release a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding.

“Oh my god,” Caddy mutters, his hand gripping the handle to the car door as he plans his grand escape, “you people are literally the absolute worst…”

“You’ll thank us later, Cad!” Luke coos, giggling like a little girl all the while.

Wallid’s smile doesn’t fade, but it does grow a bit doubtful. “Well, as long as Mai can get Ian to cooperate.”

But Luke takes it in stride, waving the statement off like he would any other. “Something tells me Mai won’t be the only one helping us out today…”

Jimmy matches Luke’s behavior, closing his eyes and sitting back in his seat slightly. “You got that right. I think  _ everyone _ is on our side with this one…” He opens his eyes to stare Caddy down again, this time with mischief alight in his eyes. “Better make yourself pretty for your boy toy, Caddy!”

Caddy growls out a quick, “Fuck you,” in response before slamming his head down on the dashboard in defeat. This is going to be a long fucking day. Jeff can’t help but giggle slightly at his behavior, taking a second to pat Caddy’s shoulder comfortingly.

“Look,” Luke starts with a reassuring smile, “we’re only doing this for your own good. You know Ian; he’s probably just being shy!”

“Yeah,” Wallid agrees, “he’s always been more tsun than dere! You just gotta break through the shell.” He pauses, looking a little unsure. “Even if you do have a habit of bringing out the worst in him.”

“I do not!” Caddy hisses, lifting his head up from the dash to be heard properly. “He’s just awful in every way… Don’t pin that on me!”

“Yeah, on second thought, do we wanna do this?” asks Jimmy, but his smirk gives away how serious the suggestion truly is. “Their antics might get us kicked out of the restaurant…”

“What, and Paul, Nick and Josh won’t?” Jeff sighs, just as IHOW’s bright blue sign slips into view. “Or Jared and Paul? Let’s face it, we’ll probably get kicked out whether they sit next to each other or not!” He laughs, accepting that all of their friends are kind of awful, socially inept, and overall train wrecks. “But hey,” he says as he pulls into the IHOW parking lot behind Satch and Jirard. “I guess we’re about to find out, because we’re here!

Wallid is the first out of the car, hoping to assist in the Caddy wrangling, even if he has to run around to the other side of the car to do it. Meanwhile, Luke practically climbs over Jimmy to get the right side car door open, knowing it will get them to Caddy far faster.

But Caddy’s already out and running, having been prepared to make a break for it as soon as the car was parked. He doesn’t even know where he’s going; he’s just _ running _ . “Caddy! Come back!” Jeff calls out distantly, and at the sound of footsteps following him Caddy only runs faster.

“Hey, whoa, whoa!” Jimmy cries, nearly falling out of the car as Luke shoves the door open. “Watch the face!”

“Sorry, Jimini!” Luke squeezes himself past Jimmy, grabbing his hand and pulling him along as he runs after Caddy. Jeff’s clearly going to need the help.

Jimmy takes a second to get back on his feet and fall into step with Luke, too focused on their mission to notice that they’re now holding hands. “It’s fine; let’s just get him!”

Seeing as Caddy’s already taken off, Wallid rethinks his approach. Perhaps keeping an eye on all areas of the situation is the best strategy to take for now? He looks towards the other car, trying to catch a glimpse of the situation with Ian. Mai has already pried Ian out of the backseat and is now attempting to remove him from the car entirely. “Ugh, Ian!” she says between gritted teeth, holding one of his wrists in a solid death grip. “Are you seriously just not going to get out of the car?”

Ian continues to struggle with all of his might, hanging onto the headrest of the rightmost middle seat as best as he can. “I am  _ not  _ sitting next to him!” he shouts, uncharacteristically loud. Adrenaline and nerves are clearly giving him volume. “You know he’s lying; why are you so adamant in putting me through this?”

“Ian, I’m sure he’s not…,” Hana starts, but never gets to finish.

“You don’t know him as well as I do!” Ian insists. “If he thinks he can fuck with my feelings then he has another thing coming!”

It’s not long before Jeff is practically at Caddy’s heels; soccer has certainly given him the upper hand. “Come on, dude…! What are you even running from?!” Caddy refuses to acknowledge his question with an answer, instead continuing to run as if his life depends on it. After all, Luke is starting to gain on him as well (if Jimmy’s slowing him down, he doesn’t seem to care).

Across the parking lot, Shane steps out of Jirard’s car and sighs at all the commotion. “Fuck this, I’m getting my pancakes,” he says, more to himself than anyone else as he begins to walk towards the building, ignoring the ensuing chaos.


	4. The One Where Caddy and Ian Get Their Shit Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mai puts her bodybuilder strength to good use, some problems get resolved rather aggressively, and Shane still doesn't get his pancakes.

Chaos erupts around Jon as he steps out of the car and into the grimy IHOW parking lot, making sure to use the door that Mai _isn’t_ currently trying to pull Ian’s body out of. Heavy footsteps and shouts sound from all angles, and to say it’s a bit overwhelming would be an understatement. He takes one last look at the situation and decides wrangling two idiots in denial isn’t worth sacrificing any of his precious eating time. “I’m with Shane,” he calls out, more for his own alleviation than to anyone in particular, before joining his bitter friend in his journey towards the restaurant.

Shane sighs, but there’s a visible smile creeping onto his face. “Thank god there’s someone else sensible here.”

“That’s me!” Jon proclaims, jabbing a thumb at himself for emphasis and winking in his dorky Jon way. “Mr. Sensible.”

To his surprise, Shane actually lets out a small chuckle. “Of course. All the time.”

Jon puffs out his chest a little. “Well, I’m glad to see you recognize my true nature!”

Shane rolls his eyes, but he’s still smiling. “Come on, then,” he says as they finally reach the glass front doors. “If you’re so big on common sense, let’s see how well you open the front door.”

“With pleasure, my dear Shane!” Jon grabs the handle on the door and swings it open with gusto, bowing deeply as he does so. “After you, sir!”

“What a gentleman,” Shane comments, giving him what appears to be a look of genuine affection. He walks through the open door, waiting politely for Jon once he’s stepped in.

Jon smiles widely as he follows in behind him. “I try.” He continues with his gentleman schtick by holding his arm out for Shane. “C’mon, let’s go get a couple tables for our ridiculous friends.”

Shane decides to play along and take his arm; whether it’s to humor Jon or for his own selfish reasons is entirely unclear. “Yes, let’s.”

The contact makes Jon grin, and he leads him over to the counter to the front counter, where he addresses the bored-looking hostess. “Hello! Table for… Uh…” He seems to lose his confidence halfway through as he completely blanks on the number of people they have with them. “Uh, g-gimme a sec.” He starts counting on his fingers rather slowly, restarting several times because his hands have started to shake.

Instead Shane leans over the counter to talk to her, looking displeased. “Seventeen. They don’t all have to be at the same table.”

The hostess gives him a tired glance before gathering seventeen menus in her arms and gesturing for the two boys to follow. “Come with me, please.” She leads them over to an area of the restaurant not far from the entrance with four empty booths lined in a row along the wall. She places two menus on each side of each booth and steps back.

Jon frowns. “Isn’t that only sixteen…?” He seems hesitant to correct her; even more so when she sends him an _“I don’t give a shit”_ glare, places a third menu on the right side of the last booth, and walks away. “Geez, cold much?” he mutters before turning to Shane. “Where do you wanna sit?”

“As far away from those as possible,” says Shane with a pointed look at the group of three menus.

Jon follows Shane gaze, taking a moment to get the hint. “Oh!” he gasps as the association clicks. Yeah, sitting next to the three of them is like placing yourself in the designated splash zone at a theme park. Not he he minds, but he understands why Shane would. “Right this way, then!” He leads Shane over to the furthest booth, sliding into the left side and tapping the seat next to him with a smile.

Shane sits next to him, leaving a couple careful inches between them. He takes a glance out the window and frowns. “James is a dumbass.”

 

In the backseat of Satch’s car Josh stirs until he finally gives in and opens his eyes, taking a moment to let the early morning light smack him across the face. Once that’s over, his gaze shifts to the left as he notices Paul and Nick sleeping soundly at his side. He smiles slightly at the sight, feeling an odd sense of pride rush through him as he remembers he made that magic happen. A shriek cuts through his hazy delight and he blinks, taking a bleary look out the car window. “The fuck is going on…?”

Paul springs awake at the shriek, accidentally throwing Nick off of him in the process. “Jesus Christ, what the _fuck_ , Paul?!” shouts Nick as his head bounces against the car window.

Paul’s eyes dart around the car in a panic, before they land on Josh and his face relaxes. “What the hell is happening out there?”

“Caddy finally admitted his feelings for a certain someone and didn’t get a proper response,” Jared tells them as he makes his way out of the car, taking his sweet time so the trio in the backseat can properly hear all the details. “So now the two of them are throwing temper tantrums because everyone wants them to share a booth seat.”

“Okay,” Nick mumbles, rubbing his eyes and pawing around in his lap for his glasses, “all I heard was something about confessing and not getting a response, so are we talking about Paul and Ja—”

“ _No,_ ” Paul interjects, shoving his hands over Nick’s mouth. “Don’t you dare finish that sentence!” Lucky for him, Jared has already made his way out of the car and far out of earshot. He pulls back and pats his friend’s head apologetically. “Sorry about that… But no, he was talking about Ian and Caddy, dumbass.”

“Oh, okay,” says Nick as he finally retrieves his glasses from his lap and places them back on the bridge of his nose. He’s a little sullen at Paul’s obvious distress, but seems to be taking the knowledge of his friend’s potential crush in stride. “That makes more sense.”

“Now that that’s settled, let’s go eat!” Paul declares, reaching over Josh to open the car door before proceeding to drag both of his friends out with him.

Josh just barely manages to balance the wig in his arms as he’s shoved out of the car and onto his feet. “You two are going to wreck my wig, I swear…,” he mutters as he turns around and sets it back on his seat.

Nick raises an eyebrow. “Don’t you mean Joshualina’s wig?”

Josh shrugs. “Close enough.”

“Relax, Josh,” Paul reassures him, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. “We all know that if something were to ever happen to it, we’d buy you a new one! Have a little more faith in us!”

“It’s magic, dumbass,” Josh points out, just barely resisting the urge to roll his eyes. “It can’t be replaced so easily.”

“Seriously,” Nick agrees, “where are we going to find another one like it? It’s not like any old wig we plop on Josh’s head is gonna bring Joshualina back! It’s special.”

Josh pauses, staring hard at the wig resting on the carseat before shutting the door and obscuring it from sight. “Right.”

 

“I don’t understand what the issue is,” Satch comments as Jared steps out of the car and they begin to head through the commotion. “They’re in the same club; obviously they have to be near each other all the time.”

“Satch, my dear, you just don’t understand the nature of the human heart!” Jared tells him, keeping steady pace to move them closer to the restaurant. “They don’t _know_ what they want, and in their moment of weakness they’ve taken refuge on opposite ends of the playing field!” He glances between Caddy and Ian, both being held hostage by their friends, and lowers his voice so only Satch can hear. “Now, if only Ian’s charisma stat was higher…”

Satch adjusts his glasses and smiles, easily falling into step beside Jared. “Oh? And I’m sure you, being Jared, know exactly what you want?”

“Of course!” Jared reassures him with a wave of his hand. “Getting it, though… that’s a different story…” He stares hard at the pavement for a moment before immediately perking up. “And what about you? You always seem to have some sort of plan in mind.”

Satch goes quiet for a moment, thinking his answer over carefully, before replying. “‘Some sort of plan’ is fairly accurate. But I find sometimes that just going with the flow is a more effective path than sticking to a given course.”

“You’re lucky to be able to do that,” says Jared quietly.

Satch takes a second to contemplate Jared’s words once again. “Well, you’ll just have to make your own freedom,” he says at last. “I’m sure someone as sure of himself and ambitious as you can’t be tied down by tradition for long.” He smiles, but deep down his words are unsure. He knows the kind of pressures Jared is under. It’s not an easy life that he’s living, and breaking free of those chains will take time, but he believes in his friend above all else. “You’re not the kind of person who would let that get in the way of what you want.” He nudges him lightly, almost affectionately. “And you know we’ve all got your back.”

Jared smiles sadly as they reach the restaurant and he pushes open the glass doors. “Of course you do.” If there’s one thing he can trust in, it’s Satch’s unwavering support. Satch frowns, but says nothing, merely following him inside. Jared spots Jon and Shane as soon as they step inside and doesn’t waste any time before approaching them. “I see you two waste no time.”

“Hell no,” replies Jon, pounding his fists against the table. “I’m hungry, dammit!”

“And you had the common sense not to deal with the commotion outside as well,” Satch points out, smiling down at the pair.

“I’m not dealing with their emotional bullshit today,” Shane says, his face cold. “You’ll never see me doing that.”

“Hmm,” Jared muses as he slips into the other side of the booth, motioning for Satch to sit next to him, “we’ll see!” Satch takes the seat he’s been offered, smiling at Jared politely.

“Nah, Shane wouldn’t do that!” Jon concedes, before he looks at Shane, his voice taking on a playful tone. “I mean, you’d need to have emotions first, right?”

But Shane takes it in stride, only replying with a stern, “Exactly.”

“We all know you’re a big softy underneath that hard shell, Shane,” Satch teases, adjusting his glasses as he speaks. “No need to hide it.”

Shane frowns. “Not true. I feel nothing.”

“In the presence of Jon?” Jared jeers, raising an eyebrow at his stony-faced friend. “Not so!” Shane rolls his eyes, but says nothing, choosing instead to examine his menu.

Jon cocks a confused eyebrow at his sparkly friend’s words. “What are you talking about, Jared?”

“Don’t think about it too much, Jon,” Satch sighs. “You might hurt yourself.”

 

“What I was _trying_ to say,” starts Paul as soon as the car door is shut and all possessions are locked safely inside, grabbing his friends and holding them close, “is that we have each other’s backs on these things!” He lets go of them, his body deflating as he takes a step back. “But then you two had to go and ruin my good vibes…”

“Aww!” Nick coos, flushed a light shade of pink from the contact. “We know you’ll always be there for us, Paulie!”

“Yeah, and we’ll be there to clean up your messes,” Josh adds.

“Hey, I don’t Paul it that much! Sure, there was that time with Hana… But that was one time!” He knows it’s a lie; if it wasn’t then they wouldn’t have created a phrase specifically for his inevitable fuck ups.

Josh smirks. “And the chips in the car, maybe an hour ago?”

Paul puts a hand on the back of his neck in embarrassment. “Hey, that wasn’t _all_ my fault…”

“Oh, right,” Nick says, his voice teasing as they begin to move towards the building. “That was because of _Jared_ , huh?”

“What’s your deal with him anyways?” Josh prys, knowing full well what the _“deal”_ is and sounding rather unhappy about it.

Paul’s cheeks start to redden. “What do you mean, ‘What’s my deal with him?’ There is no _deal_.”

Josh gives him a look. “You stare at him like he’s the fucking sun. And you get sunburnt every time, judging by how red your face turns.”

“No I don’t!” Paul insists. “Get your eyes checked! Jared is the fucking last person I would ever want to be around.” He doesn’t even touch his friend’s implication of… _other feelings_ , because that’s just ridiculous. Josh knows he likes girls; everyone knows he likes girls. It’s a well-established fact. He’s probably just fucking with him. Yeah, that must be it.

“Don’t lie to us, Paul,” Nick sighs. “We have evidence to back us up here!”

Paul’s blush spreads further across his face, but he’s sure that’s just because he’s getting frustrated. It has to be. “I’m not lying to you guys! I have no clue what you’re talking about!”

Nick glances at Josh. “Does he seriously not know—”

“Don’t tell him.”

“What the hell are you two talking about?” asks Paul, looking desperately between the two of them for some kind of hint. Anything to understand what it is he’s missing. “What don’t I know?”

“Doesn’t matter,” Josh insists as they near the restaurant doors. “Don’t ask.”

“You guys never tell me anything,” Paul mutters. And then, to himself more than either of them, “I can’t believe I let you both use me as a pillow…”

“That was fun,” Nick says, the smile on his face indicating that he remembers the event fondly.

“Yeah,” agrees Josh, “and don’t act like you didn’t enjoy it.”

“I’m not saying I didn’t!” Paul crosses his arms in front of his chest with a huff. “I’m just saying I deserve a little more respect.”

 

As soon as Jeff rushes past him PBG takes off in a sprint, effortlessly catching up to his teammate in seconds. “Hey,” he says, carefully regulating his breath so he can speak properly without wasting energy, “need some help?”

Jeff’s face lights up like a neon sign at sunset. “You know it!” After a few wordless glances and elaborate gestures, the two of them go in for the kill, slide tackling Caddy and sending the poor boy tumbling to the ground.

“ _Ow!_ ” Caddy cries as he lands underneath them, feeling eternally grateful that these idiots somehow managed to keep all of his bones intact. “Fucking… Goddammit, what the hell was that for?!”

Luke and Jimmy are the first to catch up, still hand-in-hand as they skid to a halt in front of what is now the heap on the pavement. “Nice catch!” Luke chirps, giving the pair a proud thumbs-up. “And hey, no accidental kisses this time!”

“Oh yeah!” PBG lets out a sheepish laugh, too embarrassed to notice the way Caddy’s squirming underneath him. “I remember that…”

Jeff flashes Luke a smile and a thumbs-up to match his. “Mission accomplished!”

“Now that you two are done having your sweet little moment,” Caddy gasps, wiggling restlessly to avoid being completely crushed by his so-called friends, “will you kindly _get the hell off of me?!_ ” PBG and Jeff apologize in near unison and scramble off of him, being extra careful to move behind him so he can’t attempt another escape. “Barbarians…,” he grumbles as he dusts himself off.

“Now it’s time for the magic!” Luke cries, his voice nearly trembling with excitement. He raises his hand up to pump his fist and seems to realize for the first time that it’s connected to Jimmy’s. “Oh hey, how did that get there?”

“You grabbed it, dumbass,” mutters Wallid as he finally reaches their party, having chosen to keep at a rather leisurely pace.

Jimmy goes wide-eyed, having been just as blind to the gesture as Luke. “Oh, wow…,” he murmurs, unable to tear his eyes away from their intertwined fingers. “I didn’t even notice…”

But he has little time to dwell on it before Jeff speaks again, linking arms with a grumpy Caddy, who is too tired to protest. “C’mon guys, let’s get this show on the road!” PBG follows his lead, helping Jeff drag their catch in the direction of the restaurant. Caddy grumbles and drags his feet, but the pain from his scraped knees keeps him from trying to run again.

This, it seems, is plenty enough to snap Jimmy out of his daze. “Guess that’s our cue!” Then he hesitates, taking a moment to consider whether or not he should let go of Luke’s hand... until he realizes Luke’s got him in a death grip, so it’s not really up to him. Instead he just begins to tow Luke towards the door, hoping the early morning light isn’t bright enough to show how pink his cheeks are turning.

 

“Ian,” Mai hisses, punctuated with a sharp tug on the back of his jacket, “I swear to _god_ , I will throw you over my shoulder and _carry_ you into IHOW! Do you want me to do that?!” She’s practically straddling him now in some sort of attempt to wrestle him out of his seat. A few feet away, Hana watches, her gaze darting between the spectacle in front of her and the chase ensuing across the parking lot. “Be a man!”

Ian can do little but kick and flail at this point, as it’s becoming increasingly clear he’s outmatched. “This isn’t about being a man, it’s about saving my dignity!”

“How does this preserve your dignity?!” Mai pins him down with her knees, leaving her hands free to start force his fingers off of the headrest. “Quit… being… a _child!_ ”

But Ian is gripping at it with all of his might, evidently determined to sit in the car and sulk until their meal is over. “Because I _know_ he’s trying to mess with me! He—he must have figured me out somehow! He knows that I like him and he’s just doing this to break me down! I can’t let him do that…!”

“Oh, so you admit you like him, then?” Mai has half of his body out of the car at this point; if she could just get his hands off of the headrest, they’d be out of here. But that’s easier said than done; every time she moves to pry one finger off he’s set the other ones back down. “Well, you don’t know he’s lying, so there’s no harm in _trying!_ ”

“But I _do!_ ” Ian insists, keeping the headrest in a death grip. No one’s getting anywhere at this rate; both parties are far too stubborn.

So Hana throws both of her hands up and shouts, “Oh, for fuck’s sake! I’m done with this!” before taking a few steps away from the car and cupping her hands around her mouth. “ _Caddy!_ ” she screams, her little voice carrying all the way across the parking lot.

Caddy’s head perks up as he quickly locates the sound of Hana’s voice. “What?” he calls back, grumpily but loud enough for her to hear.

Ian realizes what Hana’s plans are immediately and his grip on the headrest slackens. “Hana, don’t!”

“Gotcha!” Mai cries before she unceremoniously rips Ian from the car, holding him in the air like a trophy. “Yes! Go Hana, go!” Ian kicks and flails in her arms, trying to reach Hana before it’s too late, but—

“Ian said he likes you too! Now stop being a _butt_ and get over here!”

Caddy freezes, staying completely silent despite the the torrent of thoughts raging through his head. _There’s no way… He’s just playing me for a chump, the fucking prick._

“Hear that, Caddy?” Jeff chirps, not doubting Hana’s words for a second. “That’s great!”

“Yeah, dude!” PBG agrees cheerily. “There’s nothing to worry about.”

After a brief moment of silence, Caddy sets his shoulders and finally speaks up, just loud enough to reach Jirard’s car. “Yeah fucking right. Why should I believe you? He’s probably just trying to fuck with me, like always!” Yet, despite his words, he still changes their course to move them towards Hana and the others.

Hana takes a few steps forward to look Caddy in the eyes. “Ian might lie to you, Caddy, but we both know he wouldn’t lie to me.”

Caddy just nods, unable to speak. _Fuck, fuck, fuck… Why am I doing this? I should just walk away…_ But he’s already face to face with Ian, who is frozen still in Mai’s arms, staring at the ground in abject horror. There’s no turning back, yet he finds himself staying silent in fear.

Ian hesitates, but decides to say something out loud to move things along a little quicker. “Well? Now’s your chance to mock me. Just go for it; I don’t give a shit anymore.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Caddy asks, sounding taken aback. “If anything I was expecting you to mock _me_.”

“I… I figured you were lying to try and fuck with me,” Ian explains, looking almost bewildered. At the very least, his face betrays more emotion than it has all day. “Aren’t you?”

“Why… the hell would I do that?” Caddy murmurs. If Ian didn’t know better, he would say he sounded hurt. “Even if you’re a fucking prick and you drive me insane, I…,” he lowers his voice down until it’s hardly a whisper, “I wouldn’t do something like that… That’s fucked up.”

“Hey,” PBG whispers, leaning to one side to place himself closer to Jeff’s ear, “should we… leave them alone or something?”

“I really don’t know…?” Jeff whispers back. “I’m gonna wait for Hana’s signal; after all, it’s her plan!”

At Caddy’s quiet admission, Ian shrugs. “It seems like something you would do.”

“Well, I could say the same about you!” Caddy hisses, his anger joking at best.

Hana, seeing that they’re acting civil, takes Mai’s wrist and starts to lead her towards the doors. She grabs PBG’s as they pass by and he, in turn, grabs Jeff’s arm as he’s being dragged away. “I guess that’s the signal!”

“Wait, Hana, no!” protests Mai, squirming in her girlfriend’s grip. “I wanna see what happens!”

Hana only tightens her grip, straining herself as they near the restaurant’s doors. “We gotta give them their time alone…!”

Ian narrows his eyes at Caddy, seemingly insulted by his lighthearted accusation. “Do you wanna fucking go?”

Caddy glares right back, as if challenging him. “Bring it, Moosey.”

“Fine,” Ian spits, taking hold of Caddy’s wrist and dragging him towards the building. “I didn’t want IHOW to be our first date, but I guess it’ll have to do.”

“Wait, w-what?” Caddy practically trips over himself as Ian pulls him along, his face quickly rising in temperature. “What do you mean, ‘date’?”

“What did you think I meant when I said, ‘You wanna go?’ I meant out on a date.”

“I-I, uh…,” Caddy sputters, unable to form coherent words. “I thought you meant like…!” He snaps his mouth shut, deciding that, for once, it’s not worth arguing about. “Ugh, never mind.”

Ian looks back at him and smirks. “I know. It was intentional.” He reaches down to intertwine their fingers and slows down until they’re walking side by side at a nice, leisurely pace.

“But Hanaaaaaaa…!” Mai whines, pouting as her girlfriend brings her ever closer to the front doors.

Hana comes to a halt, smiling slightly as she sees Caddy and Ian heading in their direction. “Well, I guess you’ll get to find out. They’re heading this way.” Mai glances over her shoulder and lets out an earth-shattering squeal.

“Ah, sweet!” cries Luke, joining the small coagulation that had formed at the door.

Jimmy stands beside him, their hands still clasped together at their sides. “Aww, they’re so gay together…!”

Pleased with their responses, Hana says, “Perfect, now in we go!” before dragging Mai and PBG through the doors with her.

Wallid points between Luke and Jimmy’s hands and Caddy and Ian’s, each pair intertwined together. “Look, you guys all match.”

Jimmy glances down, having once again forgotten that he and Luke were holding hands. “Uh… Yeah, I mean…” He grins, trying to appear confident when he feels anything but. “Gotta stay apart of the cool kids club…”

“Well, let’s not waste time!” Luke cries before turning on his heel and kicking the door open, making Jimmy and Wallid flinch beside him. He brings Jimmy inside and Wallid follows, being careful not to let the violently swinging doors smack him on the way in.

“Watch it, Luke,” Jimmy says, snickering at Wallid’s attempts to avoid certain death by glass door. “You might kill someone at this rate.” Luke doesn’t reply, but he does snag them a few empty seats. He only lets go of Jimmy’s hand once they sit down, grabbing his menu and looking it over with excited eyes.

Wallid takes a seat across from them, heaving out a relieved sigh. “Well, I’m glad that all worked out!”

Jimmy grabs a menu as well, looking eager as he buries his face in it, but he’s really just trying to hide his red cheeks. “I mean… it could have gone better.”

“With those two?” Wallid shakes his head. “No way. Besides,” he glances at the two of them as they walk into the restaurant hand-in-hand. “They look pretty happy now.”

Only then does Jirard stroll inside, a plastic shopping bag in his hand and a sheepish grin on his face. Seeing the empty spot at their booth, he makes his way over and seats himself next to Wallid. “Sorry for the holdup, guys!” He motions to the bag as he sets it delicately in his lap. “I needed to grab something.”

“Where the hell have you been?” Jimmy asks, scrutinizing him carefully. “I thought your car ate you or something.”

Jirard gives them a guilty look. “There was a toy store nearby, and they released a new IBK plush today…” He pulls a sparkly lime green kitty out of the bag and holds her close to his chest. “Isn’t she cute?”

Jimmy’s eyes gleam as soon as they land on the fluffy little creature. “Oh my god, _so_ cute! Okay, you’re forgiven.”

Jirard places her safely inside the plastic bag before setting her underneath the table; he can’t go getting food on her, after all. “Great! I just had to make sure I picked her up before we left. Besides, these things usually sell out pretty quick, so it was nice that I could get there early without going out of my way for once.”

“Marketing schemes…,” Wallid mutters under his breath as he looks over his menu.

“Huh?” Jirard turns at the sound of his voice. “Did you say something, Wallid?”

Wallid prys his eyes away from his menu and puts on his best smile. “Oh, nothing important!”

Jimmy takes a second to roll his eyes before he goes back to skimming his menu. “Wallid, calm yourself.”

 

“Come on, Mai,” says Hana as she leads her little group towards the tables against the wall. “Let’s get you some waffles.”

“Aww, thanks, babe!” Mai cries, prancing at her girlfriend’s side now that she’s released her grip on them. PBG has to will himself not to look like a kicked puppy as he and Jeff follow them over. As Mai takes a seat in one of the two remaining booths, motioning for Hana to join her, he decides he doesn’t really feel like sitting with them. Instead he leads Jeff over to the last empty booth, choosing to sit across from the three menus of doom. Jeff doesn’t question him, simply sliding into the seat next to him.

It’s then that Paul, Nick, and Josh stride over, caught up in whatever they had been arguing about before they walked in. They all come to a collective halt when they see the three menus that have been set up just for them. “Do they expect all three of us to cram into that tiny booth?” Paul asks, already knowing the answer.

“Oh, come on!” Nick moves past Paul and slides in first, taking the seat closest to the wall. “You know we would have tried anyways.”

Paul seats himself next to him, sighing. “I know, but _still_. I’m the one who has to be squished in the middle every single time.”

Josh takes the remaining room, which isn’t much. “We just love to watch you suffer.”

“I think it was considerate of them to seat you together!” PBG chirps, having perked up a little. “After all, you three are inseparable.”

Paul stares blankly at him from his seat, half on the booth and half on Nick’s lap. “Clearly.”

 

Hana places herself on the booth seat right next to Mai, beaming when Ian drags Caddy over and claims the seats across from them. “How’d it go?” she asks, even though the fact that they’re choosing to sit next to each other is answer enough.

As he makes himself comfortable, Ian motions to his and Caddy’s still intertwined hands. “How do you think?”

Caddy stays quiet for a long moment before he clears his throat and addresses Hana. “Uh… thanks…”

Hana smiles fondly at them. “I’m really happy for both of you.”

“I’m not,” Ian mutters as he picks up his menu, quickly reverting back to his usual behavior.

“Well, fuck you too,” is Caddy’s only retaliation before he turns his attention to the menu as well.

A waitress finally approaches their party now that all the seats are filled, stopping at their booth first with a big smile on her face. “Good morning!” she greets them, her demeanor more sunny than it should be at six AM. “My name is Nanako and I’ll be taking care of you all. Are you ready to order?”


	5. The One Where Jared Fucks Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Secrets are buried, Wallid dies of embarrassment, and Caddy and Ian get used to this whole "dating" thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> even though it wasn't enough to warrant changing the rating yet, i should warn you guys that there is some brief discussion of sexual stuff this chapter. but hey, enjoy the hell!!

Nanako gathers everyone’s orders rather quickly, only having to stall a few times: first when Jon orders half of the items on the menu and Satch has to get him to calm down; then when Nick and Josh decide to have a argument over absolutely nothing, stalling the whole process by several minutes; and finally when Luke tries to rap his order, leaving the poor girl exasperated and confused.

Their drinks come rather quickly, and in no time Jared is back to musing as he stirs his iced tea with a straw. “Well, I’m glad the two of them are happy,” he says, still grateful he was uninvolved in the fiasco that was Caddy and Ian’s relationship upgrade. “I wish I could say the same for every stoic third-year I know.”

Feeling Jared’s eyes boring holes into his forehead, Shane looks up from his coffee. “What is this obsession you have with my love life? I’m fine the way I am now.” He can’t stop his hand from reflexively grasping at his cloth napkin, wringing the fabric in his fist. “I don’t need anyone.”

Jared pouts. “I just worry about you, that’s all.”

“You’re single too, you know,” Shane points out after a beat.

Jared holds a hand over his heart in mock offense, gasping out, “Shane, you wound me!” as he pretends to to wipe tears from his eyes. “Why must I be reminded of my woes in a public venue? So cruel…”

“There, there, dear,” Satch murmurs as he places a comforting hand on his roommate’s shoulder. “Shane, how dare you hurt my husband’s feelings like this.”

Jon only now pauses from chugging his soda to interject. “I mean, Jared could literally get anyone he wanted to. He’s pretty much choosing to be single at this point. Shane, on the other hand…,” he punctuates his friend’s name by nudging him with his elbow. “Well, I can’t see him being the lovey dovey type. He’s a strong, independent woman who don’t need no man!”

“Thanks,” says Shane blankly.

Jared hums, pausing his straw mid-stir. “I wouldn’t say I could get _anyone_. My powers can only do so much.” Once again, he looks pointedly at Shane. “For example, they can’t melt a heart of ice.”

Shane huffs, resisting the urge to roll his eyes at Jared’s unnecessary remarks. “If you want to complain, you don’t have to insult me in the process. Who turned you down?”

Jared pauses, hesitant to bring up his own shortcomings. “Well, I wasn’t _turned down_ , per say…”

Jon props his head in his hands, storytime mode fully activated. “Please, share with the class, Jared! You can’t open like that, then just stop!”

There’s a long pause as Jared continues to stall, but he finally opens his mouth to speak as he catches sight of Satch, who adjusts his glasses as he turns his attention to his sparkling companion, implying his own curiosity on the matter. “Well, I was thinking of asking someone to the Flower Festival,” he starts, only to pause when he realizes he’ll have to refer to this mystery person with pronouns eventually, “but he didn’t seem interested when I hinted at it, so…” Once he’s forced all of the words out of his mouth, he shrugs, staring hard at the shiny surface of the restaurant tabletop. “And even if I had,” he adds, his voice just barely there, “I don’t think my family would have taken it too well…”

“What, does your family not know you’re gay?” Jon asks, blunt as always and much louder than is strictly necessary.

Jared sits upright at his volume, eyes going wider than saucers. “Not so loud,” he hisses, “people can hear you! And for the record, I’m _not_.” He relaxes until his back hits the soft booth seat, but he’s still on edge as he mumbles, “I’m bi,” if only because it’s the first time he’s said it out loud.

“Well, that much seemed obvious,” says Shane, and his honesty helps to ease Jared’s nerves however slightly. “How many girlfriends have you had again?”

After trying and failing to count them all in his head, Jared fixes him with a sheepish look. “At Asagao or in total?”

Next to him, Satch shakes his head. “Dear god, Jared…”

“Anyway, anyway!” Jon cries, trying to claim control of the conversation once more. “You catch my cold! Who’d you almost ask, then?” If there was an award for Nosiest Friend of the Year, Jon would win easily.

Now Jared sits stock still in his seat, stiff as a board, trying very hard not to look at the boy sitting to his left. “That’s not important.”

“Really,” says Shane, more of a statement than a question.

“Yes, really,” Jared repeats, ignoring the suspicious glance Satch casts him.

But Jon shrugs it off, willing enough to drop the subject at Jared’s obvious discomfort. “Eh, maybe he just wasn’t interested because you’re always so focused on the ladies,” he suggests.

“True,” Jared agrees, “but I’ve always been rather open in my flirtations around all of you, so I didn’t think it would be an issue…”

A hint of a smirk tugs at Shane’s lips. “So it’s a Normal Boots member, then?”

Jared freezes as he realizes his mistake. “I, uh…,” is all he has time to get out before Jon is talking again.

“Good catch, Shane!” He puts on his best thinking face, weighing the options carefully before continuing. “Well, in that case… It’s gotta be Satch, right? I mean, he is your husband after all!” He sits back in his seat, grinning at his own astonishing logic.

“No!” Jared cries, his voice taking on a noticeable hint of panic. “N-no, of course not, it’s… um…”

Shane raises an eyebrow at his struggle. “It’s…?” he echoes, clearly losing patience by the second.

“It’s…,” Jared stumbles, unable to look any of his friends in the eye. “It’s…” _Don’t say Satch, don’t say Satch, don’t say Satch,_ his mind screams like a mantra. He searches in vain for other answers, eventually just spitting out the first name that comes to mind. “It’s Paul. But you can’t tell him, alright? This is our secret.” He wouldn’t want anyone catching him in such a lie, after all.

“Paul?” Shane repeats, looking entirely unconvinced. “Don’t you two kind of hate each other?”

Jared’s response is as smooth as ever, and he can’t help but feel a little proud of himself for staying collected at a time like this. “Shane, my friend, there is a thin line between love and hate. Haven’t we just learned as much?”

“It _is_ a little surprising, to say the least,” Satch remarks, remembering Jared’s reaction when he had caught Paul snuggling with Nick and Josh in the backseat. But maybe that was some kind of backwards flirting? It’s always hard to tell with Jared.

“Well damn, I was way off…,” Jon mutters, his brow furrowed slightly. “Does he know?”

“I doubt it,” Satch says, still thinking back to their earlier interactions in the car. “Paul is pretty oblivious as a general rule.”

“Yeah, he hasn’t a clue…,” Jared sighs, trying to sound nonchalant before he quickly takes on a cheerier tone. “But it’s fine! I got over it; there’s no more interest there!”

Shane narrows his eyes, leaning forward marginally to stare the older boy down. “I don’t know… Doesn’t sound too convincing to me.” For a second, Jared fears his cover is blown, but then Shane continues. “I feel like you wouldn’t have hesitated so much if you were really over him.”

“I…!” Jared sputters, feeling blood rush to his cheeks at Shane’s accusation. “It’s just that… It’s embarrassing!”

But Satch seems just as skeptical, the look on his face making Jared’s blood run cold. “Shane is right. You’re not exactly one to embarrass easily, especially when it comes to matters of romance.”

“It _does_ seem a little fishy…,” Jon agrees, nodding dramatically before fixing Jared with an equally piercing stare. “You sure you’re not hiding anything?” He really _must_ be a bad liar if Jon’s not convinced.

At this point, most people would give in and admit the truth, but Jared is not most people. He is a cut above the rest, a shining star, a valuable asset, and above all, not a disappointment. He knows there’s only one way to get away with this and that it’ll cause an awful storm, but he goes for it anyways, because he is a Nadeshiko, god dammit, and he’s going to start acting like it. “A-alright, fine! I still like him. A lot. But he isn’t interested, so it’s really not important. And romance with boys is very different from romance with girls! It’s only natural that I’d be hesitant!” It’s true; that’s in part what has kept him hesitating with Satch all this time.

Shane shrugs, looking pleased enough with Jared’s explanation. “I guess.”

“Yeah, that seems about right,” Jon agrees, seeming just as satisfied. He shrugs, signaling that he’s concluded his end of the conversation and is about ready to shift topics.

Satch still doesn’t seem fully convinced, but he lets it go regardless, smiling warmly at Jared. “Well, I guess you learn something new every day…”

Jared puts on his most convincing smile. And considering how often he has to do that, it’s a damn good smile. “I guess so.”

 

A table over, Jirard is finally concluding his detailed description of the ins and outs of the Itty Bitty Kitty show. “But yeah, I think you’d like it, Jimmy. A lot of people who watch it are into Steven Galaxy too, so the fanbases are really friendly.”

“Well, after that detailed account, I might as well have already seen it!” Jimmy says with a smile. This is the first opportunity he’s gotten to speak in a while, seeing as Jirard has been talking for at least five minutes nonstop, possibly ten, but he’s a good sport about it. “Sounds super cute, though. I’ll have to check it out, especially if it attracts the Steven Galaxy fanbase.” He throws a glance at Luke. “Now that’s a show for you to rap about.”

“For you, maybe I will,” Luke replies, before turning his attention to Wallid, who has spent the last ten minutes staring out the window and occasionally taking a sip of the lemonade he ordered. “You’ve been spacing out for a while, man. You all there?”

“Huh?” Wallid can’t help but jump slightly as he finally snaps out of his reverie. “Oh, yeah! I was just… thinking about stuff.”

“Stuff like what?” Luke asks, grinning widely at his clubmate’s unusually reserved behavior. “Give us the details!”

“Oh, come on,” Jirard sighs, his smile turning sheepish. “Not everyone wants to share their innermost thoughts all the time.”

“N-no, it’s fine,” Wallid tells him, knowing full well he hasn’t spent nearly enough time with the Hidden Block club. He blushes a bit now, staring intensely at the ice in his drink. “I was just thinking… that waitress is kinda cute, isn’t she?”

Jimmy has to take a moment to glance around the restaurant before he spots Nanako again. After examining her for a moment, he turns back to Wallid. “Yeah, I guess you could say she’s pretty cute.” The look on his face shifts into a teasing smirk. “What, you got a thing for waitresses?”

At his insinuation, Wallid flushes completely. Next to him, Jirard reddens as well before coughing and averting his eyes. “I—w-what?! No! That’s not—oh my _god_ , Jimmy!”

Jimmy’s smirk only grows. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to expose you like that. You should talk to her; get some digits.”

“I can’t do that!” Wallid cries, resisting the urge to bury his head in his arms and rest his forehead on the table. “You know how great I am at talking to cute people! Don’t you remember how _great_ I did in last year’s tournament with Luke cheering me on?”

“Oh, so that’s _why_ you dropped the controller!” Luke smiles brightly as he remembers the mess his actions once caused. “Nice!”

“No, not nice!” Wallid hisses. “I fucked up back then and I’ll do it again this time!”

“Aww, you’re so awkward,” Jimmy cooes. “It’s adorable!” He winks, chuckling when Wallid’s blush deepens at least three shades. “But hey, romancing ladies _is_ different from romancing guys. Not that I would really know.” He leans against Luke slightly, as if to illustrate his point. “I bet if you fuck up she’ll just think you’re cute and clumsy or something. There’s no harm in trying. After all, she’s not Luke.”

“Hey, what is that supposed to mean?” Luke asks, still smiling despite his mock offended tone.

“You wouldn’t notice someone’s feelings for you unless they hit you at the speed of a locomotive,” Wallid sighs, speaking from pure experience.

Jimmy nods. “Even if someone threw you against a wall and kissed you, you wouldn’t get the hint. Basically, you’re about as clueless as Jirard is kind.” He shrugs at this conclusion. “But that’s why we love you, so it’s not a big deal.”

“Oh, come on!” Luke objects. “I notice all kinds of things!” He lowers his voice, leaning in to ensure his words won’t reach any of the other tables. “Like PBG’s huge crush on Hana!”

Jirard is only barely able to stifle his laugh. “Luke, everyone knows about that!”

“Really?” Luke replies, sounding genuinely surprised.

“Case in point,” Wallid mutters.

Jimmy leans over to catch a glance at PBG’s table, pouting slightly as he speaks. “Poor guy, though, he looks like a sad puppy.” He sighs as he sits back in his seat. “I guess cupid isn’t on everyone’s side this trip…”

“Yeah, he seemed pretty bummed out when Hana and Mai got together,” Jirard adds, a look of worry etched across his features. “I’m surprised he’s still upset about it, though. He’s only known her for…,” he pauses, counting the months since the beginning of the school year in his head, “what, four or five months now? Not that I don’t love her, but… It’s odd for him to get so hung up on this.”

“It was love at first sight for real,” says Luke with a cheeky grin. “You guys should have been there! It looked like he was seeing the light for the first time! I’m talking a major epiphany here.”

“A major epiphany, huh?” Jimmy echoes. “You sound like you’ve had personal experience.”

Luke stares at the ceiling, pressing his lips together as he thinks about it. “...Maybe? Probably a small one, but his looked mind-boggling! I can’t help but feel sorry for the poor guy.”

Jirard shrugs. “Well, there’s not much we can do about it now. We just have to hope he works it out himself.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Jimmy says, frowning as he leans back in his seat. “Hopefully Jeff can help him out a bit. He’s already starting to gloom up the atmosphere. I came on this trip to have fun, dammit!”

“Hey, the rest of you aren’t even in the same car as him,” Jirard points out. “You’ve got no room to complain.”

“Speaking of which, who’s gonna switch out with Ian?” Wallid asks, his eyes darting between his fellow clubmates sitting across from him. “I assume it’s not Caddy, since he’s gonna want to make out with Ian in the backseat or whatever, so…”

Jimmy makes a face. “Maybe I’ll switch then; I don’t think I’m ready to see something so indecent…” But then his eyes land on Jirard’s face and he hesitates. “But then again, your car sounds like share club, and I don’t know if I want all my secrets broadcast through the walkie talkies.”

“Caddy was the one who confessed,” Jirard says, frowning at Jimmy’s uncertainty. He forces his expression into some semblance of a smile, hoping it’ll work to convince the doubtful first year. “Come on, I’m sure you’ll have fun!”

“Yeah,” Luke agrees, wiggling his eyebrows at Jimmy, “and then you can get the murdercock!”

“M-murder _what_?!” Jirard sputters, completely taken aback by the jarring shift in language.

Jimmy reaches over, presses his open palm against Luke’s cheek, and shoves him to one side. “Oh shut the hell up, you!” Once he’s sure Luke is uninjured and still sitting upright (it would take much more than that to knock him down), he turns to Jirard and smiles gently. “Don’t worry your pretty little head about it, Jirard. He’s just being a dumbass.” He pauses, as if done speaking, but when no one else says anything he seems to think better of it. “I _guess_ I’ll switch if no one else wants to. I’m pretty sure if we shoved Luke in there, he would just drive poor Shane up a wall.”

“Yeah, Jon’s been doing enough of that already,” Jirard says, before something catches his eye and he nudges Wallid. “Hey, guess who’s coming back with our orders?”

This words get Wallid to sit straight up in his seat. “Really?” he chokes out, hoping beyond hope that his face isn’t too red.

Jimmy smirks as he turns and spots her too. “Better get ready, lover boy…”

Nanako approaches their table smiling and laden with four plates of food. “Here you are, boys!” She carefully sets each plate down in the appropriate place, not even pausing for a second to recall which meal belongs to who. Once she’s done she beams at the four of them and asks, “Can I get anything else for you?”

The other three boys stare pointedly at Wallid, deciding to rely on the most ineloquent member of their group to do the talking for them. “No, that’s fine. Thank you,” Wallid finally manages after a long pause, with a strained voice and a bright red face. At least he didn’t stutter.

Nanako lets out a little giggle, her smile never fading. “Okay! Just flag me over if you need anything. No need to be shy!” She winks at Wallid as he walks away, leaving the poor boy looking like he might just explode.

“You okay there?” Jimmy asks as soon as she’s out of earshot, his voice a mix of playfulness and genuine concern.

Wallid blinks a few times, still staring wide-eyed at the spot where she was just standing. “No.”

 

“Look, I’m sorry if I hurt you or whatever,” Mai says to Ian between bites of fruit-covered waffles, “but it was your fault for clinging to the seat. It was for your own good!” She shrugs, casually dismissing any responsibility for her slightly brutish behavior.

Caddy casts an amused glance at his new boyfriend. “She had to physically _pull_ you out of the car?”

“I didn’t want you to know…,” Ian grumbles, picking at his bacon with a fork.

“And you’re always saying I’m the childish one,” Caddy teases, unable to hold back a snicker at the image of Ian whining endlessly as he got dragged out of the minivan by Mai.

“He _does_ still play children’s games…,” Hana points out, looking Ian over from across the table.

“Hey, edutainment games are well-made, fun, and good learning opportunities for people of all ages!” Ian objects, leaning forward to point an icy glare at the pink-haired girl.

“And this idiot could use all the learning opportunities he can get,” Caddy chides, still not above teasing his longtime rival just because they’re dating.

But Mai waves them both off. “Well, I mean, if you _really_ didn’t want him to know, you wouldn’t have made him confess, now would you? Caddy’s got a point; you’re not the sharpest, Ian.”

“I didn’t think he would say yes!” Ian protests. “I expected him to either scream or laugh in my face.”

“Aren’t you glad he didn’t, though?” asks Hana with a sweet smile.

Ian stares hard at his food as he mumbles, “Yeah…”

Cupping a hand around his ear, Caddy leans closer to him. “What was that, Moosey?” he teases. “I couldn’t quite hear you.”

Without hesitation, Ian replies, “I said this sucks; we should have gone to Benny’s.” Despite his words, he picks up the piece of bacon he was messing with and bites off half of it.

“Well, it’s not the only thing that sucks around here,” Caddy grunts before going back to tearing apart his plate of waffles.

“Um,” Mai whispers to Hana (or at least tries to; her voice is still clearly audible to the couple seated across from them), “is this supposed to be flirting...?”

Hana squints. “I… think so?”

“At least I have experience,” Ian growls at Caddy, his mouth still half-full of bacon. He seems to be too caught up in his new boyfriend to pay any mind to what Hana and Mai are talking about.

“Hey, you don’t know that I don’t!” Caddy retorts, starting to stab his food a little too passionately.

“They’re so… bizarre,” says Mai, furrowing her brow at their continued bickering.

But Hana smiles. “I think they’re cute.”

Across from her, Ian smirks. “Really, James? Then feel free to prove it to me later tonight.”

Her smile fades. “Never mind.”

Caddy turns a little red, but he doesn’t back down. No, that just isn’t in his nature. “Bring it on, Moosey!” he cries out, his lips curled into a matching smirk. “That is, if you’re even worthy.”

Mai almost chokes on her eggs before she shrieks, “Cute my ass! Get a room!”

Ian flips her off before reaching out yanking on the collar of Caddy’s jacket. He crushes their lips together for just a second before pushing him away and going back to eating his food. Once released, Caddy blinks a few times before his face flushes, looking like he might just melt in his seat.

Hana and Mai both stare at them in awe, both of them admittedly impressed by Ian’s brief act of retaliation. “Um, Ian?” Mai starts, gesturing vaguely at the mess of a British boy sitting across from her. “I think you broke him.”

This is enough to pull Caddy back into reality; he quickly snaps his gaze down into his lap. “F-fuck you…,” he mumbles, but there’s not nearly as much venom in his tone as before.

“Aww,” Mai cooes, “big bad Caddy is just a huge softy after all…!” Caddy only grumbles in reply before quietly returning to eating waffles alongside his boyfriend.

“He’ll be fine,” Ian reassures her after swallowing the bite of waffle he had in his mouth. “I can break him later.”

At this Hana actually chokes on her drink, coughing up water onto the table and her own lap (but fortunately not on anyone’s food). “Oh my _god_ , Ian!”

“Excuse me,” Caddy cries, just barely able to swallow the food he had nearly choked on himself, “you can do _what_?!”

Mai keeps close to her girlfriend’s side, reaching a hand out to gently rub her back. “Hana, are you okay?” Without even waiting for an answer, she turns to shoot daggers at Ian. “Hey, you can do whatever you want to your new boy toy, just leave my precious Hana out of it! She’s innocent!” She holds the other girl close to her, wrapping her arms around her shoulders protectively.

“I’m okay, Mai,” Hana tells her, smiling fondly at the redhead’s overblown concern. “He just surprised me, that’s all.” She pouts slightly. “And just because I’m not interested in sex doesn’t mean I don’t know how it works. You guys can say whatever you want; just keep it PG-13.” She’d also appreciate it if they warned her next time, but she figures Ian doesn’t want her to choke to death on an ice cube, so she doesn’t say anything more.

“I just worry about you!” Mai whines, letting go of Hana so she can return to her food. “I gotta protect you from the big bad boys!” She giggles as she cuts herself another bite of waffle.

“Honestly,” Caddy sighs, having finally recovered from the shock of Ian’s words, “from everything I know about you, I wouldn’t put it past you to be into some real fucked up shit…”

“Me?” Ian asks, raising an eyebrow at him. “If anything, I’d expect you to be into gunplay or something.”

Hana groans, burying her face in her hands in a vain attempt to hide her own embarrassment. This isn’t quite what she meant by PG-13. “Oh my god, you guys, stop _talking_ …”

Caddy grins. “Again, you don’t know that I’m not,” he teases. “I _do_ love guns…”

“Okay, okay, that’s enough!” Mai shrieks, launching her spoon in their general direction. It hits the back of the booth seat, right in between both of their heads. “I don’t even want to _hear_ about that!” She lets out a half-hearted noise of disgust and prods at her half-eaten waffles with her fork. “I’m starting to regret dragging you out of that car…”

“Perfect,” says Ian with a vindictive smile. “This is my passive-aggressive revenge plot.”

Mai narrows her eyes at him. “Oh really now? This is nothing. I could dish out better revenge plots in my sleep.” Next to her, Hana has taken to shoveling red velvet waffles into her mouth, having decided to stop participating in the conversation.

“That’s why it’s passive-aggressive,” Ian explains. “Because I don’t give enough of a shit to put any actual effort into this.”

Mai huffs. “Are you saying I’m not worth the effort needed for an _actual_ revenge plot?” Why she cares, no one will ever know.

“Not exactly. I’m saying only he is.” Ian points directly at Caddy and resists the urge to smile. This is probably the closest the two of them will ever get to complimenting each other.

Caddy cocks an eyebrow at him. “The fuck does that mean?”

This time, Ian can’t resist, and she shoots Caddy a small, genuine smile. “It means you’re the only one who bothers me enough to motivate me into making a revenge plot. I could care less about everyone else, but with you I have to retaliate.” He shrugs quickly before turning back to his food again.

“Aww, Ian!” Mai cries, throwing a hand over her heart. “You do have a heart…!”

Caddy blinks a few times, clearly surprised by the truthfulness behind his boyfriend’s words. “Oh, uh… Likewise.” He takes another bite of food, chewing thoughtfully before continuing, a small smile gracing his lips. “I guess… I love you too.”

Mai is only able to quiet her squeal by burying her face in her napkin.


	6. The One Where Someone Cries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The origin of PBG's name is revealed, Continue plans a wedding, and Paul goes a little too far.

“So wait,” Jeff starts after swallowing a bite of his omelet. “You actually like jelly?”

“Uh… yeah?” PBG puts down his fork, which cradles a bite of specially-ordered jelly-covered waffle. “Why would you think otherwise?”

Jeff shrugs. “I mean, your name  _ is  _ Peanut ButterGamer, so…”

PBG laughs. “Well, it’s not like my parents were going to go through all the effort to rename me just because I preferred jelly!”

“Yeah,” Paul agrees, shooting PBG a smile from across the table, “if they had been willing to do that, I think they would have done it right after they realized they named you Peanut.”

PBG blushes, but lets out another good-natured chuckle. “I guess it’s not the most mainstream of names, is it?”

“Are you sure your parents weren’t high?” Josh asks, twirling his fork between his fingers.

“Seriously, Josh?!” Nick scolds, trying to sound annoyed as he holds back a laugh. “You can’t just ask someone that!”

Josh shrugs. “Who else would know?”

“Okay, point taken,” Nick concedes. Then, to PBG, “Were they?”

“I don’t know you two…,” Paul sighs.

Instead of being offended, PBG is actually considering the question carefully. “Hmm… I don’t actually know! I do remember them saying something about a bet, though… Not to say that they weren’t high when they made the bet!”

“Your parents named you based on a bet?” Jeff asks, mouth slightly agape.

PBG grins, as if this information is of no real significance to him. “Yep! A bet with—” he pauses, searching for the name in the recesses of his mind, “...Mr. Smiley?”

Every member of the table stares at him, dumbfounded. “That’s… probably one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard,” Paul says at last, before glancing between Nick and Josh. “I feel like that’s something one of you two would do.”

Josh turns to look at Nick, his expression deadly serious. “Would you have a kid with me?”

“Definitely,” replies Nick, his tone matching Josh’s in gravity.

Josh looks back to Paul, his entire demeanor suddenly casual again. “Okay, it’s official. We’re doing this.”

Paul’s eyes go wide at Josh’s words, as if he’s somehow missed something critical. “Wait, what? Who’s doing  _ what  _ now?”

“Nick and I are getting married and adopting a kid together,” Josh clarifies, not even batting an eye at Paul’s astonishment.

“Wait, getting married?” Nick repeats, only jokingly angry this time. “You need to clear these things with me before you go saying shit like that!”

“Okay.” Josh looks him directly in the eye as he asks, “Can we get married?”

“Absolutely.”

“Good.” And with that, both of them return to eating their food.

“Wait!” Paul cuts in, looking between the two of them desperately. “You two are going to leave me all alone? Just like that?”

“Ooooh, that’s rough, buddy.” Jeff shakes his head sadly, but a smile sneaks its way onto his lips as he takes a solemn bite of his omelet. So maybe he’s still a little bitter about the election. He’ll just continue to let it out slowly in tiny, petty ways.

Josh sends Paul a tiny grin. “No one said you couldn’t get in on it.”

“At the very least, we’ll let you be the best man,” Nick offers.

“Well, of course I want to get in on it!” Paul cries, not yet realizing what he’s agreeing to. “You two can’t just ditch me like that. You two have no idea how to raise a child!”

“Alright, but I get to pick out the tuxes,” Josh tells them. “You guys would probably choose something hideous.”

“Hey, are you saying I have no sense of style?” Paul spits back.

“I’m saying neither of you do,” Josh explains, being careful to keep a joking tone. He knows how dense Paul can be, after all… Though he’s down if they want to. He knows Nick would.

“Wow, I’m offended,” says Nick, but he’s still smiling. “I trust Joshualina, though. Do we get to marry her, too?”

Josh pauses in thought, before shrugging. “Sure.”

Paul lets out a thoughtful hum. “I guess you’re right. Joshualina has better fashion sense than any of us. I wouldn’t mind marrying her.”

Jeff leans to the side, whispering right next to PBG’s ear. “How would that even work…?”

PBG shrugs. “Don’t question it; they’ll find a way.”

Having overheard them, Josh is quick to answer Jeff’s inquiry. “It’s not like any of us can legally get married in Japan anyways, seeing as the government considers us all male.” He scowls. “Whatever. We’re used to breaking rules anyways. Or at least, I am. These two are kind of lame.”

“Wait…,” Paul mutters, as if he’s finally just realized what his friends are talking about. “Were you two being serious?” There’s a few seconds of muffled snickers before Nick begins laughing hysterically, propping himself up against the wall to keep from falling underneath the table.

On the other side of the reaction spectrum, Josh just shrugs. “Only if you want us to be.”

Paul flushes at his own selective ignorance before punching Nick on the shoulder. “Don’t laugh at me! How was I supposed to know?”

“When is Josh  _ ever  _ joking?” Nick asks, wiping tears away from his eyes.

Josh’s answer comes quick. “Every second of my life.”

While Paul eyes him suspiciously, PBG just laughs. “You would think you would know him a lot better than that, especially considering how often you three are together.” And he thought Jon was oblivious…

“I mean, we might as well get married at this point,” Nick says, shyly picking at his scrambled eggs. “I wouldn’t wanna spend the rest of my life without you guys.”

This time Josh blushes, unable to hold back a small smile. Paul, on the other hand, reaches out and slings his arms over both of their shoulders, pulling them close to his sides. “Aww, I feel the same! Even if you two are a pain in the ass…”

Clearly struck by their camaraderie, Jeff turns to PBG with a determined look on his face. “PBG, let’s get married too!”

PBG nearly chokes on his food before replying, “What? Really?” He doesn’t sound particularly opposed to the idea, just confused.

“Yeah!” Jeff continues, nodding his head enthusiastically at the other boy’s bewilderment. “You know, so I never have to be apart from my best bro!”

PBG chuckles, a hint of sadness slipping through the cracks. “Well, why not? I guess there’s not really anyone else I would marry…”

Jeff sighs, sending him a concerned look. “Sorry man, I didn’t mean to dredge up negative feelings…”

“What? No, I’m fine!” PBG puts on his most convincing grin, which is to say it isn’t very convincing at all. “I’m just tired, that’s all.”

“This is about Hana, isn’t it?” Josh asks, blunter than ever.

“Josh!” Nick cries, but it doesn’t stop his longtime friend for a second.

“What? It’s not like it wasn’t obvious.”

Nick lets out a tired sigh, turning to PBG with an apologetic look in his eyes. “I’m sorry about him, PBG. You know how he is.”

“I’ll divorce you,” Josh threatens.

PBG visibly stiffens, looking down to stare at his food instead of his friends. “I don’t know what you guys are talking about.”

“We’re stupid, PBG,” Paul tells him, staring him down with the most exasperated look he can manage, “but we’re not  _ that  _ stupid.”

“Seriously guys, I’m fine!” PBG insists, clearly unaware that he is the worst liar ever. “I’m happy for Hana, honest!”

“We never said you weren’t,” Nick points out. “You can be happy for her and miserable for yourself.”

“You’ve been moping for the past two weeks,” Josh groans, throwing his head back until it hits the plasticy cushion of the booth seat. “How long is this going to continue?”

“I have not been moping!” PBG protests, hopelessly defensive.

Jeff places a comforting hand on his shoulder and gives him a sympathetic look. “Dude, give it up. We all know it’s been bothering you.”

After one last beat of resistance, PBG heaves out a pained sigh. “Okay, okay,  _ fine _ … So I’m still a little bummed. So what?”

“When are you going to get over her, man?” Paul asks, leaning forward with his elbows rested on the tabletop. “Everyone’s starting to worry about you.”

“Look, I’ll get over it eventually,” PBG tells him, starting to get a little frustrated with his friend’s insistent concern, “I just liked her a lot…” He lets his gaze drift out the window, as if remembering far off memories.

There’s a short moment of silence before Josh decides to tear it apart. “You’ve known her for four months.”

“Yeah,” Nick agrees, his expression caught somewhere between confusion and frustration, “what’s the deal with that? Most guys don’t get so attached to a girl they’ve known for such a short period of time.”

PBG hesitates, but manages to mumble, “It’s… complicated…”

“Complicated,” Paul repeats, not even looking remotely impressed. “What’s so complicated about it? You’re hung up on someone who doesn’t feel the same. Sounds pretty straightforward to me.” Across the table, Jeff stays quiet, casting a wary glance at his friend. He knows Paul, Nick, and Josh don’t know the half of it, but it’s far beyond his reaches to actually say anything.

Noticing the looks on their faces, Nick starts to back down. “Maybe we shouldn’t push it, guys…”

Josh shrugs, content to leave the subject be for the time being. “I just want you to be happy, Peebins.”

Nick lets a tentative smile cross his lips. “At least he’s got his weird jelly waffles to keep him company.”

PBG perks up a little the second the subject is dropped, visibly relaxing at last. It seems he can’t be kept down for long. “Hey! Jelly waffles are awesome!” Next to him, Jeff just smiles, pleased to switch the conversation topic. He’s sure PBG will get over it eventually… right?

“Whatever you say,” Paul mutters, shrugging as he leans forward and casually steals bacon from both Nick and Josh. “Personally, I’ll stick to my bacon.”

“ _ Your  _ bacon?” Nick echoes, fire suddenly alight in his eyes. “That was  _ mine _ , you little shit!” In retaliation, he leans forward and takes a sip of Paul’s drink. He doesn’t even like sweet tea that much, but it’s really about the principle of the thing.

“What the fuck, Ritchey,” says Josh, more of a statement than an actual question, as he skillfully cuts off a bite of Paul’s waffle.

And of course, Paul continues to act like he’s the clear victim. “What the fuck, you two?” He splays his arms out dramatically in order to protect his food, knocking Jeff’s drink over in the process. Fortunately it’s empty other than ice, but that doesn’t stop said ice from spilling absolutely everywhere.

“Glad it was just ice…,” Jeff sighs, trying to sound optimistic despite his clear exhaustion with Paul’s accidental antics. See this? This is why he wanted to be student council president. Is he really the only one who notices?

Josh stares hard at the mess Paul’s made, but makes no move to help. “There he goes again…”

“Two strikes and it’s not even seven yet,” Nick comments, wondering for the umpteenth if they should start keeping a scorecard. “I’m honestly impressed. Let’s see if you can keep it up!”

“Fuck…,” Paul groans, looking between the ice cubes scattered everywhere and Jeff’s face. “Sorry…” Jeff just waves it off, moving to get out of his seat and clean it up. PBG is quick to follow, mumbling something about how he’s always there to help. Instead of doing the same, Paul is quick to turn on his own friends (seeing as Josh will not be moving any time soon, effectively trapping him in booth seat hell). “Look what you two did!”

Nick is quick to retaliate, always one to set the story straight. “ _ We  _ didn’t do anything! You should be over there helping them clean it up.”

And for once in his life, Josh continues to side with Nick. “Why does it always have to be our fault?”

“Well, I mean, if we’re ever going to be married, we have to start taking equal responsibility for each other’s actions,” Paul says matter-of-factly. With a half-hearted glare at Josh, he continues, “And I  _ would  _ be helping, but I’m a little stuck.”

This only seems to encourage Josh, who decides to lean against Paul, preventing him from leaving  _ and  _ pressing him against Nick in the process. “Wow, thanks,” mutters Nick from his spot squished between his friend and the wall. “This is exactly what I wanted.”

“No problem, man,” Josh replies, clearly pleased with his work.

Paul squirms in vain, casting a deadly glare at Josh. “Yes, because this is helping me clean up  _ so  _ much.” He wiggles a little more, grunting as he frees his pinned arms and props them on the back of their booth. “You know I love you guys, but I’m not sure I love you  _ this  _ much.”

Suddenly Josh stands, moving himself out of the booth and shoving his hands into his pockets. “Fine. There you go. Do whatever the fuck you want.” He turns around walks away, not even bothering to look over his shoulder as he tells them, “I’m gonna use the bathroom.”

Nick has to hold back a sigh at his friend’s retreating form. God dammit… Why does Paul always have to do this shit? He’s not nearly as affected by Paul’s words as Josh is, but then again, Josh tends to be a little more volatile. He’s enjoying the space, though… or at least, not being pressed against the wall. Being pressed against  _ Paul  _ was fine by him.

Paul is silent until Josh is out of earshot. Then he turns back to the table with a scowl on his face. “God, what the fuck is his problem…?” He sends a questioning look to Nick, expecting him to actually explain what’s wrong. Nick and Josh  _ have  _ been friends longer, after all. Vitriolic, belligerent friends, but friends nonetheless. Nick has always been able to predict him a little more easily.

But Nick, much to his disappointment, shrugs. “No clue.” He has every clue, actually, but something tells him that’s not the only reason Josh is upset this time around. He  _ has  _ been acting weird lately. Normally he wouldn’t get this upset.  _ He seems kind of… _ “Secretive…,” he finishes, voicing his thoughts out loud now.

Paul narrows his eyes. “Secretive?” he echoes. He pauses in contemplation, staring off in the direction Josh left. “Yeah, I’ve been thinking the same thing… Should I…,” he hesitates, “go talk to him…?”

Nick taps his fingers against the table, trying to weigh the options out before giving him an answer. This could be really good or really bad…  _ Fuck it,  _ he decides, before telling Paul, “Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. I’ll hold down the fort over here.” He motions to the frozen mess that PBG and Jeff are currently trying to clean up. Josh will thank him later; he’s sure of it.

Paul spares another nervous glance in the direction of the bathroom before taking a deep breath, willing himself to stay calm. “Okay… You better write me a damn good eulogy.” He rises from the booth seat, taking one last look at Nick before walking towards the bathroom as if he were marching to his own execution.

PBG glances up as he leaves, dropping a few ice cubes back into Jeff’s glass. “Where’s he off to?”

“Going to check on Josh,” Nick explains as he moves over to help them. “I’ll be honest: I’m gonna miss him when he’s gone.”

 

Josh hasn’t been doing much in the bathroom, if he’s being entirely honest with himself. That’s fine, though; it’s completely vacant other than him, which should be unsurprising considering it’s six AM. He’s pulled out a nail file he keeps in his back pocket and has taken to rigorously fixing his nails in front of the mirror. They’re well-manicured and painted Normal Boots jacket green. He actually spend a lot of time caring for them, but Paul and Nick have never mentioned them. As far as he knows they’ve never noticed.

Outside the door, Paul pauses. Maybe this isn’t such a good idea… Josh has never seemed this pissed at him before… But that’s all the more reason to apologize, isn’t it? He takes a deep breath to calm his nerves before reaching for the door handle, swinging the door open, and stepping inside. “Josh?”

Josh quickly pockets the nail file, looking startled at the sudden noise. He glances at the door and his face falls. “Oh. It’s you.” He looks back to the mirror. “What do you want?”

Paul flinches a little at his friend’s tone of voice; cold as ever. This will be fun… He moves a little further into the room, careful to keep his distance; nothing’s more dangerous than Josh when he’s angry. “Sorry to disappoint. Were you hoping for someone else?” He doesn’t bother waiting for a reply; it would be bad for his health. Instead he continues, trying to sound confident as he says, “I came to check on you.”

But Josh, caring not for Paul’s imaginary health issues, answers his question anyway, terser than ever. “Thought it might be Nick. Would have preferred that.” With just the smallest look in Paul’s direction, he asks, “Can you leave now?”

“Hey, I was the one who was worried about you,” Paul points out, sounding more than just a little peeved. “Not him.” He takes a few steps closer, narrowing his eyes at the boy in front of him. “So no, I can’t leave now.”

At his words, Josh looks a little less mad and a little more solemn. “I’m sure he was worried. He cares about me. And I wanna be alone right now.”

“Yeah, I’m sure he was…,” Paul sighs. “But I care about you too!” The two of them stand in uncomfortable silence for a beat before Paul speaks again. “And I’m sorry for upsetting you… I’ll… leave you alone now, I guess.” He takes a few slow steps towards the door, before pausing in front of it. “Your nails… look really nice, by the way.” He takes his leave before Josh has the opportunity to respond.

Feeling himself turn red, Josh turns back to the mirror and stares at himself. He stays completely still, swallowing back the tears that are threatening to rise to his eyes.

 

Paul closes the door behind him and heaves out a sigh before dragging himself back over to the others. Upon reaching the table, where his friends have all resumed eating, he plops down in his seat and buries his head in his hands.

Jeff hesitates briefly before speaking. “I… assume it didn’t go well?”

“I guess this makes strike number three, huh Nick?” Paul groans.

“It couldn’t have been that bad, right?” Nick asks, clearly worried despite how relieved he is that Paul has returned to them in one piece. It definitely could have been that bad, but he’ll just have to hope there’s a way to fix it.

Paul gives him a withering look. “Well, considering he essentially claimed I didn’t care about him, then promptly kicked me out, I would have to say that yes, it was that bad.”

These words serve to calm Nick down at least a little. “Okay, that sounds less like it’s your fault and more like he just wants to be left alone, which is… comforting, I guess. What did you actually  _ do _ ?” He means to ask,  _ “What did you do when you went in there? Could you have made it worse?”  _ but his wording leaves the question vulnerable misinterpretation outside of his control. After all, he  _ knows  _ why Josh is upset. He just can’t let that slip to Paul.

“I don’t know!” Paul cries as he throws his hands up in anguish, as if begging the heavens to tell him how he fucked up this time. “All I know is I’m not looking forward to the rest of this car ride…” He makes big, shiny eyes at Nick, clasping his hands in front of his chest pleadingly. “You’ll protect me, right?”

Nick returns his gaze with tired eyes, knowing full well he can’t bring himself to say no to that face. “Are you asking me to sit in the middle?”

Paul twiddles his thumbs, breaking eye contact with Nick to stare at the table. “I mean, you don’t  _ have  _ to… Just… you know, if things start to get testy…” He lets out a pitiful sigh. “I don’t want to piss him off any more than I already have.”

“I’m sure you won’t…,” Nick reassures him, although it looks like things have already gotten testy. “Maybe he just needs some time to cool down. You said you didn’t do anything to make it worse, right?”

After a moment of thought, Paul replies, “Um, no…” All he really did was compliment his nails, but he doesn’t see how that would make him mad. “At least, I don’t think so?”

“Okay, so he’s probably fine,” Nick says. “He’ll realize you don’t even know what you did and calm down before we leave.” ...Even though Paul not knowing may very well be part of the problem. He figures it’s best not to bring that up.

“If you say so…,” Paul mumbles, turning back to his food with a frown spread across his face. Really, how is he supposed to know what he did if Josh never tells him? It’s hard to apologize and promise he’ll do better when he doesn’t know what behavior he needs to improve upon in the first place.

Across the table, Jeff smiles, seeming eager to lighten the mood. “I’m sure it’ll be fine! Every marriage has its problems. Just don’t make any bets on what to name your kid,” he chides, nudging PBG affectionately.

“Hey!” PBG cries as he shoves Jeff back, his speech punctuated with giggles.

Paul can’t help but smile a little at their antics, but he still can’t fight the feeling of dread in the pit of his stomach. He really hopes Nick is right…

And like he’s been summoned, Josh finally enters his line of vision again. Except… something’s not right. The skin around his eyes is slightly red and puffy. But he doesn’t hesitate before sitting next to Paul, which is most likely a good sign. Nick leans forward in his seat, trying to get a better look at his childhood friend’s face. Was he crying? He hasn’t seen Josh cry in  _ years _ … That probably isn’t a good sign.

Meanwhile, Paul is only panicking  _ slightly _ . He made Josh  _ cry _ ? God, as if he hadn’t fucked things up enough. He scoots over a little to make more room, but stays quiet, figuring it’s better not to ask.

But PBG smiles cheerfully at him, determined to break the awkward silence no matter the consequences. “Hey, welcome back!”

Josh gives PBG a small, careful smile in return. “Hi.”

On the other end of their booth seat, Nick breathes a private sigh of relief.  _ Thank you, PBG, you jelly fueled god of happiness!  _ he thinks, hoping that with enough passion PBG will somehow be able to hear him.  _ At least you can fix this shit. _

PBG seems to get the telepathic message, because he sends Josh a huge grin filled with love and joy. “We missed you!” He looks at the ground sheepishly, where the ice was just a few moments before. “We’re kind of hopeless without you… We all suck at cleaning.” He laughs his infectious PBG-brand laugh before continuing. “I’m glad it was just ice, or else we would have  _ really  _ needed your help.” He lets out another laugh and Jeff chuckles along with him; two peas in a pod.

“Yeah,” Jeff agrees with a teasing grin, “PBG is about as good at cleaning as he is at video games.” Next to him, PBG frowns, but says nothing, deciding that taking offense would only serve to ruin the good vibes they’ve built up.

Josh’s smile grows a little wider. Under the table, he reaches over and takes Paul’s hand, squeezing it lightly. Paul flinches in surprise at the sudden contact, but stays stock still in his seat. “Thank you,” Josh says, his voice soft and slightly hoarse. He lets go and returns to eating his food without a word, leaving it vague who the comment was directed towards.

Paul steals a quick, confused glance at Josh, taking a moment to process what just happened. Was… that for him? A small smile graces his lips as he turns back to his food, but not before he flashes PBG a grateful glance. PBG smiles back, seeming satisfied that the crisis has been averted for now.


	7. The One Where Paul is Threatened with a Nail File

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nick has some... FUN playing Blaze Symbol, Caddy and Ian have some actual fun, and Wallid has absolutely no fun at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i bring it up this chapter, so let's just address it now: wallid is a second year in this story, mostly because hidden block's origin story doesn't make much sense to me otherwise. that's going to be important later, so just... keep it in mind.

As soon as everyone piles back into the cars, they seem to each take to their own activities. Josh goes back to filing his nails, because 1.) fuck it, 2.) they were uneven and it was bothering him, and 3.) he needed something to do while they were going down the road. Next to him, Nick has become awfully caught up in a battle in Blaze Symbol Destinies. “God _dammit_ , Kinoka!” he cries, before muttering under his breath, “Every fucking time with her dumbass pegasus…”

“Serves you right, man,” Paul tells him, watching the game over his shoulder. “You saw that archer!” Still, Nick’s game doesn’t quite distract him from the sound of nail against metal to his left. He wonders how long Josh has been doing his nails… Moreover, how long has it taken him to notice?

In sharp contrast, Jared has been quiet so far, just sitting and staring out the window and stealing a glance at Satch every so often. He’s not going to try and get involved with the whole Paul situation, is he…? If he really thinks Jared likes Paul, then he just might. _Oh, Jared, you’ve brought this upon yourself,_ he thinks, squinting at the blur of trees rushing by. _Now you’ll just have to deal with the consequences._

But Satch has been keeping his eyes on the road, even if his mind threatens to wander to other places. Should he ask Jared when this all started? He would hate to pry, but something about this situation is bothering him, and he’s having trouble placing what. Besides, it would be better to make sure Jared has his feelings all sorted out before he rushes into anything. He knows how his roommate gets. But then again, Jared could be trying to get his mind away from the whole ordeal and move on. There’s just so much to consider. He in thought, catching a glance of his sparkly companion out of the corner of his eye. Why must Jared be so complicated?

Nick groans as the enemy’s turn ends, appraising the situation and the number of units he has left. “Let’s just hope Camellia fares well without her girlfriend to protect her. I think I can get her out of the archer’s range pretty quick…”

“Unless it’s a Kinshi Knight,” Josh remarks, still laser-focused in on his nails. “Then you’re fucked.”

“It’s not a Kinshi Knight!” Nick snaps back. “Damn, Josh, I’m not that stupid!”

Jared taps his fingers against the car door, weighing his options as he stares down the painted road lines. He could always just tell the truth… No, no. The last thing he wants Satch to think is that he’s ashamed of his feelings for him. Maybe… maybe Satch will stay quiet and just… keep to himself about it! _Oh, who am I kidding? He wants me to be happy! If he thinks this is what I want, then…_ He turns around and takes a long look at Paul in the backseat; a look that Satch definitely notices and certainly considers. _This is bad._

Paul snickers. “Well, you are kind of dumb sometimes, Nick.” Then, sensing Jared’s eyes on him, he turns away from Nick’s 4DS to face the boy in the passenger’s seat, a small blush painting his face. How long has he been staring at him? “What?”

Jared finds himself a bit startled to be caught staring and a bit confused to see Paul blushing in response. He supposes he just has that effect on people, though… “Nothing,” he replies, glaring just a bit before turning around and going back to staring out the window.

“I’m smarter than both of you combined…,” Nick mutters, still too absorbed in his game to notice the exchange that just took place.

Paul stares at Jared’s seat in confusion for a bit longer than he has to before he finally shakes it off and goes back to focusing on Nick. “Heh, you wish! That’s why I’m the student council president and not you?”

At this, Nick grins. “Even if you’re president, we know who’s really running the show.”

Josh nods in agreement. “Behind every man is an even greater man.” He stops mid-file. “Wait. Shit. That sounded… shit.”

Paul immediately bursts out laughing, gasping out words as best as he can. “Nope, nope! Too late Josh, no taking it back!” He has to catch his breath as he calms down, finally able to sit upright in his seat again. “Well, we know what _someone_ has on his mind…” Next to him, Nick can’t help but snicker at the inside knowledge that Paul’s accusation might not be too far off.

In retaliation, Josh holds the pointed end of the metal nail file a few inches from Paul’s neck, like he’s brandishing a knife. “I won’t hesitate.”

Paul scoots closer to Nick for protection and clings to his arm, a teasing smirk gracing his features. “Wow. I never would have pegged you as this kinky, Josh.”

“I don’t think murder is a kink, Paul,” Nick points out, leaning into his touch a little despite the situation.

“I’m not _murdering_ anyone,” Josh says with an irritated look in Nick’s direction. “I’m just making sure he doesn’t hold this over my head for the rest of his life.”

Nick looks from the metal in front of Paul’s neck to Josh’s face. “That’s a nail file.”

“It’s an impromptu weapon,” Josh corrects.

Reluctantly, Paul reaches a hand out and places it on Josh’s, pausing a beat before gently lowering it. “Let’s just. Get that out of here.”

Josh doesn’t make any move to put the nail file back up, but his expression is unchanging. “I can’t stay mad at you…,” he mumbles, even though he still looks plenty angry.

Paul flashes him a charming grin to hide his internal sigh of relief. “Yeah, I know,” he brags, even though it’s news to him.

“Like fuck you do!” Nick objects, before shooting forward to look Josh. “You should have seen how much he was freaking out when he came back from checking on you. He thought you were gonna hate him forever.”

Josh takes a moment to stare at Paul in surprise before speaking. “Is that true?”

“I-I did not…!” Paul sputters, clearly flustered out of his mind. “I knew you would forgive me eventually!” He crosses his arms in defiance, but his facade doesn’t hold up long until he turns back to Josh sheepishly. “Okay… So I guess I was a bit worried…”

“Oh,” says Josh. He tries hard not to smile, but even without it he’s absolutely glowing. “That’s good.” Nick smiles enough to make up for him. He’s just glad to see that Josh is happy; after all, that’s why he brought it up in the first place.

“It’s good that I was scared you hated me…?” Paul asks, confusion evident in his tone.

“No, dumbass,” Josh sighs, unable to keep himself from grinning now. “It was good that you cared.”

You can practically see the light bulb go off in his head. “Oh! Well, of course I care!” He lowers his voice a bit, suddenly sounding a bit shy. “You’re important to me…”

Josh’s face flushes a noticeable shade of red, and he avoids Paul’s eyes. “Oh. That’s good.” He’s repeating himself at this point, but only because he’s having trouble articulating just how happy he is.

Paul seems to be enjoying cute, awkward, happy Josh, which motivates him to persist. “You okay there, Josh?” he asks with a chuckle. “Your face is a little red…” That must be the understatement of the century. When Josh turns red, he turns _red_ , blush shining bright through his pale skin. Paul could probably notice his cherry red face from a hundred yards away.

But despite all the teasing, Josh still has to resist the urge to lean over and kiss him here and now. “I’m fine,” he insists, even when he feels like a mixed bag of heart palpitations and carbonated bubbles.

Paul shrugs and sits back in his seat. “Whatever you say.” With that, he goes back to watching Nick play Blaze Symbol, leaning on him a little on accident. Nick is clearly very happy with this development, and he sends Josh a smug little smile to prove it. Josh sends him a thumbs-up in return, as soon as he can be sure Paul isn’t looking. They _are_ working together here; Nick just likes to be a douchebag sometimes. Paul doesn’t notice; he’s much too engrossed in thinking of what Nick’s next move _should_ be (even though his idea would probably cause more harm than good).

Satch adjusts his glasses and clears his throat before speaking. “You doing okay, Jared?” he asks, risking a quick glance at the boy to his right.

He considers saying he’s fine, but supposes there’s not any point in lying. “Not really.”

Satch frowns, continuing only once he’s sure the three boys in the back are too wrapped up in their own conversation to listen in. Even then, he’s careful to keep his voice down. “Is this about Paul?”

“I guess, in a sense, yes,” Jared tells him, trying to keep his responses as truthful as possible.

“Do you want to talk about want to talk about it?” Three questions in a row. He didn’t want to make his information-probing so blatant, but it’s always been the easiest way to get Jared to talk about his problems.

Jared glances at the trio in the backseat and shakes his head. “Not when he’s right nearby.” In fact, he’d much prefer it if they three of them were never nearby. For his own safety.

Satch nods. “I understand.” Then he smiles sweetly. “Just know I’m here for you if you need me. I’m sure I could be one hell of a wingman.” He throws a wink in Jared’s direction, and the other boy turns scarlet.

Jared turns back to the window, making a valiant attempt to hide his face from view. “You… really don’t have to.” He’d much rather have Satch be something more than that.

“I know I don’t _have_ to,” Satch replies, his voice taking on a loving, almost motherly tone. “Just thought I’d offer. Anything you need, I got you.”

Jared can feel himself melt a little at that voice. “I know…” And then he stops, and he actually considers it. If he agreed, it would be an opportunity to spend more time with Satch… But for all the wrong reasons. He wouldn’t be focused on Jared alone; he’d be focused on Jared and Paul as a unit. No, there are other ways he can spend time with him. He doesn’t need this.

Satch’s smile doesn’t waver. “Good,” he says, seemingly satisfied with his contribution. “Don’t hesitate to ask.”

Sensing the end of the conversation, Jared finds himself desperately fishing for something more. “I’m surprised how calm you’ve been about all of this,” is what he decides on at last. “Not that you’re not _usually_ calm, but…”

“Why wouldn’t I be calm?”

Jared shrugs. “Rationally, I knew you would be, but…” He turns and fixes his roommate with a piercing look. “I care about your opinion a lot, Satch. I was worried.” He knows there’s something he’s trying to get out of this topic, but he can’t bring himself to ask about it directly. If only Jon were here… His insufferable bluntness would actually be useful right now.

“Really?” Satch asks, genuine surprise lacing his voice. “You care about my opinion that much?”

“Of course I do!” Jared answers, with a bit of force behind his words. “You’ve always been here for me, and I can’t imagine you not being around… Or at least, I don’t want to.”

Satch is clearly flattered to hear this, and if one were to look closely they’d be able to see the tiniest blush on his smiling face. “I’m honored that you think so highly of me. I wouldn’t want to imagine not having you around, either.”

“Really?” Jared says it on instinct, but he’s quick to catch himself. “I-I mean, it was mostly just paranoia making me think that way! I know you care about me, I just…,” he pauses, cutting his sentence short. “I don’t know. I’ve always flirted with whoever and no one made a big deal about it, but no one… said anything about it, either. I guess I just felt sort of alone.”

Satch goes quiet, taking time to carefully calculate his response. “I… never want you to feel alone.” For once, it seems he’s having difficulty putting his thoughts into words, and it shows through the stilted pauses in his speech. “The others don’t really know the kind of strains your family puts on you, so I don’t think they’ve ever considered flirting might be a way of coping with it all. They’ve just accepted it as your nature... I know better, however, and as such it’s important to me… that you’re happy.”

Jared was not expecting that response. He was not expecting that response at all. He can feel tears coming to his eyes, and he blinks rapidly to avoid crying. “I… Thank you,” he says at last. “I know it’s unreasonable of me to think like that, especially after today’s whole Caddy and Ian fiasco—and with Jimmy around too, now that I think about it—but… but that’s Hidden Block. I love all of you, I really do, but I was afraid of being out of place in Normal Boots. Even after Hana started dating Mai, I still was.” He wraps his arms securely around his waist, hugging himself a little. “I still am.”

“Jared,” Satch starts, his voice equal parts soothing and blunt, “there’s no need to feel afraid, especially with us. We’re your family.” And he figures any family is better than Jared’s real one. “Besides, if you haven’t noticed, you’re definitely not alone.” _And I’m not just talking about Shane, or those three idiots in the back of my car._

If there’s a hesitance, it’s so minute that Jared doesn’t notice it. He just goes for it. “Are you referring to yourself?” He regrets his decision instantly, and the screaming in his head doesn’t stop until Satch speaks once more.

“Perhaps.”

The screaming starts back up, this time for an entirely different reason. “Oh. ...Good, then.”

Satch grins. “Why?” he asks, the slightest hint of good-natured challenge in his voice. “Was that the answer you were hoping to hear?”

Jared’s almost inaudible reply is, “Yes,” and then, at a normal volume, “Because of the not being alone thing! Y-you know?”

Satch hums in response, squinting at the road slightly as he makes a turn. That definitely sounded suspicious… but it would probably be best not to linger on it. Chances are the subject just flusters him. “Are you sure it’s not because you’re secretly infatuated with me?” he jokes, hoping to steer the conversation in a more light-hearted direction. After a beat, he chuckles. “I’m just teasing you; I know you already told Jon it isn’t like that.”

“Satch, my friend, my feelings for you ‘as a husband’ go no farther than a mere joke,” Jared tells him smoothly, putting his acting skills to full use. “A very amusing joke, for sure, but a joke nonetheless. You have nothing to worry about.” It’s all a lie, but he’s gotten used to lying… Just not to Satch. He’s always been honest with his roommate, letting him slowly become his confider over the years, but now… This is something he simply can’t share.

“Trust me,” Satch reassures him, “I wasn’t worried.” Still, something doesn’t feel quite right, but this time it’s about him rather than Jared. There’s a sinking feeling low in his gut, something akin to… disappointment? But why would he—

His train of thought comes to an abrupt halt as a small blue stylus comes flying from the backseat, hitting the windshield with a pathetic _clack_.

“Takomi, why?!” Nick cries, shaking his 4DS as he stares down the screen in anguish. “Why must you fail me once again?”

“Blame Takomi,” Josh mutters as he holds his hand up in front of his face, studying his nails rather than the scene next to him.

“I am!” Nick shouts back.

“The stats told you he was gonna lose!” Paul argues, completely blind to the fact that Nick just nearly skewered someone with his stylus. “Don’t blame him for your own poor decisions!”

Jared doesn’t even bother looking back; he just stares straight forward with a look of true exhaustion. “At least they’re not making a mess of your car again…”

“Oh, the day is young, my dear Jared,” Satch sighs. “It’s only a matter of time.”

 

“Why do I have to be the one stuck in the backseat with these two?!” Wallid hisses, gesturing desperately to Caddy and Ian, who have been placed in the two seats to his left.

“Because now that Caddy has a boyfriend to sit next to, I’m in charge of music!” Luke explains as he fiddles with the radio in the passenger’s seat.

Ian raises an eyebrow. “Aren’t you in charge regardless?” Luke shushes him and turns back to the dial, continuing his search for the perfect station.

“Wallid, if you want to complain, you can drive instead!” Jeff threatens. “I won’t stop you!”

“Whatever,” Wallid mutters to himself. “As long as they don’t lean on me when they make out…”

Caddy chooses to ignore him, addressing Luke instead. “The only reason you didn’t sit up front in the first place is because you wanted to sit next to your boy toy.” He seems to have forgotten that he claimed the front seat before anyone else could.

“Oh, come on!” Luke objects with a laugh. “You know it’s not like that! Me and Jom are just friends!”

“I don’t think I’ve ever met a guy Jimmy wants to be ‘just friends’ with,” Ian says, his expression unchanging.

“Moosey’s got a point. Our Jimmy doesn’t crush; he _smashes_ just about any boy he comes across.”

“He isn’t into Shane!” Luke points out. “That’s at least one guy!”

“That’s because Jimmy’s not a dumbass,” Ian retorts. “Being into Shane is guaranteed death by heartbreak.”

“Going after Shane is like asking for your own grave to be dug,” Caddy agrees. “Jimmy isn’t that boy crazy.”

“Oh, c’mon,” Jeff objects, hoping to get them to lay off of their friend a bit, “Shane isn’t _that_ bad. I’m sure he’s just…,” it takes him a while to find the right word, “...shy?”

“ _’m_ shy,” says Ian. “Shane is a romantic recluse.”

“Okay,” Luke concedes, “but the point is he’s not into _everyone_!”

Wallid shoots Luke a clever grin. “Of course not. He’s not into girls.”

Luke scowls back. “You know what I mean.”

“I dunno, Luke,” says Jeff warily, “he sounded pretty flustered earlier.” He shrugs, keeping both hands planted firmly on the steering wheel. “But then again, I was driving, so what do I know?”

“No, Jeff’s right.” Caddy leans forward, prodding the side of the passenger’s seat with his index finger. “People who are ‘just friends’ don’t make out in the back seat of a car for no reason.” While he might not have actually seen them kiss, but he was able to get plenty of information from Wallid.

“Wait,” Ian cuts in, “you made out with Jimmy?” Clearly, no one thought to tell him. “Dude, what the fuck?”

“On accident!” Luke interjects.

“How do you _accidentally_ make out with someone?”

“Okay,” Wallid explains, gesturing with his hands as if he’s instructing a college-level class instead of telling the story of how his two friends sucked face in the back of a third friend’s car, “the actual lip lock was an accident, but the buildup was not!”

“Well, from the way it sounded, it seemed like it was bound to happen anyway,” Jeff recalls.

“Oh no, they were all over each other,” Caddy agrees. “Nothing accidental or ‘just friendly’ about it.” He turns to Wallid, a look of restrained anger on his face. “If anything, you should have been worried about _them_ leaning on you.”

Wallid shrugs. “Ian’s clearly the one in charge, so as long as he’s sitting in the middle, I’ll be fine.”

And, sure enough, Ian is seated in between Caddy and Wallid, smirking slightly at his underclassman’s _fine_ point. “I’m glad we can come to an agreement.”

“He is _not_ in charge!” Caddy shouts, fuming with every snarky remark that comes out of his boyfriend’s mouth.

But Ian isn’t budging. “I’m definitely in charge. You have no idea what you’re doing.”

“You don’t know that…,” Caddy grumbles under his breath, crossing his arms tightly over his chest.

Ian turns to look at Luke with narrowed eyes. “So, then what’s going on with you and Jimmy?”

“That’s for me to know and you to find out,” Luke replies with a sly grin.

“Somebody needs to call Jimmy and tell him not to corrupt Luke,” Wallid says, a look of mild horror playing on his face. “I know what goes on in that mind of his.”

Luke furrows his brow a bit, looking confused with Wallid’s line of reasoning. “I’m like a year and a half older than Jimmy. _And_ like half a year older than you, too.”

Wallid rolls his eyes, clearly not bothered by the semantics of it all. “And my innocence has already been destroyed by memes. Your point is?”

Luke is quiet for a long moment before a grin splits his face. “Well, there was that waitress girl. You were having a pretty hard time with tha—”

Wallid scrambles forward, reaching over to press both of his hands against Luke’s mouth. “Oh my god, don’t tell them about that!”

But it’s too late; he’s already piqued Jeff’s interest. “What’s this about a waitress, Wallid?” He grins, even if the others can’t see his face. “I’d _love_ to hear more.”

Caddy’s reaction is much more blunt. “I didn’t know you were into waitresses, Wallid.”

“I’m _not_!” he shouts, glaring hard at the smug look on Caddy’s face. “It was just—it was one girl, I really—” He groans loudly, dragging the palms of his hands across his face, before leaning forward to yell at Luke. “You and your big mouth!”

Luke ignores him, instead opening his mouth and starting to relay the story from the beginning. “He thought the waitress at IHOW was really cute, and—”

“Don’t tell them _more_!” Wallid protests.

“Ooooooh,” Jeff coos, positively engrossed, “you did? Did you get her number? Please Luke, do tell us more!”

Caddy has a toothy grin on his face; this is the perfect opportunity to get revenge on him for suggesting he sit next to Ian at IHOW… even if his idea benefitted everyone in the end. “Yes, in _great_ detail.” He leans against Ian slightly to get a better look at Wallid, sending him a distinct look, one that hopefully says, _“Fuck you for harassing me with the others earlier.”_

“I didn’t get anything!” Wallid tells Jeff, before letting his eyes wander around to look at all of them. “I’m completely socially inept; you guys know this!”

Next to him, Ian shrugs. “Fair enough.” He doesn’t seem to care too much about bothering Wallid, or, at least, he seems to care much less than everybody else.

“Aww, but it was so cute!” Luke whines. “You should have seen how red he turned when she came to the table!”

Finally deciding that enough is enough, Wallid decides to take proper action… By covering his ears and shouting loud enough to drown the older boy out. “Nope, nope. Not listening. La la la la la!”

“What are you, a toddler?” Caddy grumbles, leaning over Ian to pry his hands away from his ears.

“There’s no reason to be embarrassed, man!” Jeff reassures him. “I think it’s cute! Who knows, maybe you’ll find some romance in Bisney!”

“You guys need to stop,” Ian sighs, pulling Caddy’s hands away from Wallid’s face and putting them back in the Brit’s lap where they belong. “Your teasing isn’t helping his chances; it’s hurting them.”

“Thank you!” Wallid cries, throwing his hands up so dramatically that he ends up smacking them against the roof of the car.

Luke pouts. “I thought I was being encouraging…”

“I wasn’t trying to _tease_ him…,” mumbles Jeff. He frowns, pressing his lips together into a thin line. “Sorry, Wallid. I guess I didn’t think about it.”

“We were just playing around, Moosey,” Caddy huffs, shooting his boyfriend a half-hearted glare. “That’s what friends are for.”

“Oh really?” Ian returns his glare with a hint of challenge in his eyes. “And I’m sure you’d call making antlers for me to wear on my birthday qualify as ‘playing around’ too. Or spending three days without sleep trying to beat my speedrun time of Nightgown Samantha just so you could laugh about it in my face!”

“Jesus, here we go again...,” Wallid mumbles, though he’s truthfully glad to have the attention off of him.

Caddy stiffens slightly, seemingly lost for words. “Um, yeah, well… You could call that playing around.” Or trying to get his attention, but he’s not about to admit that so freely in front of all of their friends. “And hey, I could’ve done stuff that was a lot worse!” He could have beaten _all_ of his Nightgown Samantha speedruns. He was just feeling nice… and satisfied with the amount of attention he was currently getting. That’s all.

“If I hadn’t _benevolently_ accepted your request for a relationship, I’m sure you would have. You should be thanking me. I saved you from a lifetime of obsession.” Just out of radius of their argument, Wallid scoots closer to the car door, trying to keep his distance from the two of them.

“My _request_?” Caddy repeats, leaning in a little closer to Ian’s face. “I didn’t request a damn thing. You’re the one who called me out, then asked _me_ on a date. If anything, you should be thanking me for _graciously_ accepting _your_ request, thus saving you from a lifetime of my torment.”

“ _Saving_ me from it? Now I’m going to have to put up with it more than ever! I can only imagine the things you’ll put me through.” He brings his hands up to rub his temples. “I feel exhausted already.”

“Well buckle up, Moosey! You’re in for the long haul now. You think you’re tired now? That’s nothing compared to how worn out you’ll be once _I’m_ through with you!”

 _Oh, dear god,_ Jeff pleads, _please don’t have angry sex in the back of my car…_

“Wow,” Ian scoffs, “that’s some pretty big talk from someone who turned red after some hand-holding. Are you sure you can handle it? Because right now it seems unlikely.” At this point it’s obvious he’s just pushing Caddy’s buttons, but it wouldn’t be the first time he’s done it without Caddy catching on.

And Caddy just keeps fuming, playing completely into the palm of Ian’s hand. “I can handle anything you dish out. _Anything._ Bring it on!”

Ian hums and turns away, feigning disinterest without flaw. “I don’t know. Doesn’t really seem worth the effort, if I’m being honest…” Hearing those words, Wallid presses himself against the door, shutting his eyes tight, and Jeff holds the steering wheel in a death grip, both of them bracing for impact.

And the impact comes. Oh god, does it come. “Not worth the effort?” Caddy snaps. “Not _worth_ the _effort_?!” He grabs Ian by the collar and yanks him towards himself. “I’ll show you who’s ‘worth the effort,’ you sorry prick!” Without hesitation, he smashes their lips together, releasing all of his pent-up anger into their second kiss. Ian kisses back eagerly, having mentally prepared himself for this. It feels good to get what he wants every once in a while.

“And boom goes the dynamite,” Luke comments, clearly amused by this turn of events. As one of Ian’s hands finds its place on Caddy’s thigh, expertly place in an attempt to make him angrier, Luke fishes his phone out of this pocket. Once he’s unlocked it, he switches to the camera app, leans over the back of his seat, and snaps a picture of the two of them.

Wallid glares hard at him from his spot between the lovebirds and the car door. “At least _you_ seem to be enjoying this…”

Luke laughs. “Hey, that means the majority of the car is enjoying it!”

“Damn, so we can’t stop it with a vote…,” Wallid mutters, his face dark.

Caddy elects to ignore his friends, his focus solely on his boyfriend and how angry he makes him: _so_ angry. He won’t win this time. As soon as he feels Ian’s hand on his thigh he growls, biting at his lip and tightening his grip on his collar. That’ll teach him. Ian makes a sound of protest and retaliates by using his other hand to pin Caddy’s shoulder against the car door. He knew being taller would come in handy some day; it gives him just enough of an advantage in size to secure the upper hand.

Jeff hears the gentle thud as Caddy is pressed against the car door and takes a peek at the rear view mirror, just to make sure he’s in the loop. He casually flips the child safety lock on before turning back to the road, just in case. “Just sit back and relax, Wallid,” he tells the sulking second year in the back seat. “They’ll have to come up for air eventually.” Wallid grumbles in reply, crossing his arms and resting his head against the window.

Caddy grunts as Ian overpowers him, quickly realizing that he’s at a disadvantage. He places both of his hands on Ian’s shoulders and tries to move the both of them away from the door, but to no avail. His boyfriend’s superior size, strength, and calm demeanor all have him stuck. The thought just pisses him off more, as made apparent by the way his lips move against Ian’s. Ian notices the way his muscles tense, and while it was funny at first, now it’s just bothersome. He pulls away and gives himself just a second to breathe before moving to Caddy’s neck, trying to find a spot that will make him melt, even just a little bit. And melt he does, fighting back a moan from the moment Ian’s lips touch his skin. They’re in a car with their _clubmates_ ; he is not about to let them hear him in a moment of weakness.

“Jeff, they’re being gross!” Wallid squeals. “Make them stop!” When Ian flips him off over his shoulder, he clenches his fists and shouts, “Jeff! Now Ian’s being mean to me!”

“Um, Ian…,” Jeff starts, hesitant to get involved for fear of Ian’s wrath, “play nice… please?”

“I am!” Ian insists, mumbling the words against Caddy’s skin. With that sorted out, he continues his attack on his boyfriend’s neck, clearly happy with the reaction he’s getting so far. Just one tiny sound will do…

Caddy arches his back slightly, squirming and biting down hard on his lip to stop any noises from escaping. However, it doesn’t take long until Ian finds that one special spot on the base of his neck and lingers there just a hair too long. He can’t help but let out a sound; it’s quiet, but definitely there, and he couldn’t be more petrified. Ian grins against his neck. He’s got him now.

Next to them, Wallid presses his forehead against the window, wondering if he could fish his headphones out his bag in the trunk while the car’s still moving. Probably not.

Ian begins focusing his efforts solely on that spot, kissing and biting at it until he’s sure he’s left a mark. Caddy grips Ian’s shoulders tightly as he tries—and fails—to hold in the small whimpers and moans escaping his lips. He’s turned into putty in Ian’s surprisingly skillful hands.

Jeff refuses to look in the rear view mirror again. There’s no need. He can _hear_ what’s happening. These two seriously need to keep it in their pants…

Ian finally moves away from his neck, straightening up to whisper in his ear instead. “You’re so damn cute sometimes…” He moves back to Caddy’s lips before he can get a reply, kissing him much more aggressively than before. Caddy gasps against the kiss, obviously caught off-guard by Ian’s sudden ferocity. He instinctively wraps his arms around his neck, drawing him closer and kissing him back with the same energy. Ian grabs his hips, mostly to hold him down (he never does know what Caddy’s going to try next), though he’s glad to see him fighting back.

Luke snaps one last picture of the two before switching apps to text Jimmy. He attaches all of the pictures to a message that simply reads, _"here with my boys.”_

Jeff glances over just as he sends it. “You’re really enjoying this, aren’t you?”

“I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since they met,” Luke admits, making sure he locks his phone before he sets it back down in his lap. “I’m just glad all that waiting paid off!”

If he weren’t being held down, Caddy probably would have ended up kicking his boyfriend by now, judging by how much he’s squirming around. He reflexively digs his nails into Ian’s neck in reaction to the hands on his hips, refusing to let his longtime rival get the better of him. If he wants a fight, it’s a fight he’ll get.

But Ian pulls away quickly, hissing as Caddy’s nails rake against his skin. “F-fuck! Seriously?” Up front, Luke laughs at his reaction, snapping another picture before quickly turning around again.

Caddy shrugs. “That’s what you get for pinning me against the fucking car door.” Then, his voice takes on a more teasing tone. “What’s the matter, Moosey? Got sensitive skin?”

“I hate you very much,” Ian grumbles in reply, desperately avoiding his eyes.

Caddy scowls at him as he sits up and straightens out his clothes. “Likewise.”

“I’m keeping these forever,” Luke says to himself, grinning ear to ear as he scrolls through his new collection of photos.

“I’m hoping you sent all of those to Jimmy,” sighs Jeff, “so he knows what he’s missing.”

At these words, Caddy snaps his head towards the front of the car, glaring daggers at Luke. “You fucker… Were you taking pictures this _whole_ time?!”

“Guilty as charged!” Luke chirps, holding up his phone so they can see.

“Motherfucker…,” Ian mutters.

“I’m not surprised you guys didn’t catch on,” says Wallid, still sitting as far away from the pair as possible. “You were _really_ going at it.”

“Yeah, no kidding!” Jeff agrees. “I was worried you two would fall out of the car…”

“We weren’t that enthusiastic…,” Caddy mumbles indignantly.

Jeff chuckles. “You obviously didn’t hear the noises you were making, then…”

“Shut the fuck up!” Caddy cries, before promptly turning back to Luke. “You will delete those this instant before I beat you senseless.”

Luke holds his phone close to his chest. “They’re special to me…”

“Keep them,” Ian tells him. “It’s not like you haven’t all seen plenty anyways.”

Wallid shudders. “I’ll never be the same.”

“Don’t worry, Wallid,” Jeff reassures him. “We’ll find a way to cleanse your poor virgin eyes once we get to the hotel.”

“You’re only letting him keep them to spite me…,” Caddy huffs, pouting at his boyfriend.

Ian shrugs. “Maybe, but only because I know if I aggravate you enough we can make out again.”

“Look, I only sent them to Jimmy,” Luke explains, and Ian’s behavior does a complete 180.

“You sent them to _Jimmy_? Goddammit, that means _everyone_ has seen them!”

Next to him, Caddy scans the car, patting his hands over every surface he can find. “Where’s the walkie talkie?! This is _not_ happening.”

“Um, Caddy?” Jeff says. “I think it’s a little too late for that…”

Caddy groans in response, sinking back into his seat. “Fuck my life…,” he mumbles before turning to glower at his boyfriend. “Are you happy now?”

“No, I’m not!” he replies, but he leans over and resting his head on Caddy’s shoulder anyway. “I don’t wanna deal with this bullshit…”

“I didn’t wanna deal with _your_ bullshit,” Wallid points out, “but look where we ended up!”

“I had fun,” Luke whispers, plenty audible in the deafening silence of the car.

“We know you did,” Ian mutters.

Caddy rests his head on top of Ian’s with a sigh, much too tired to actually be cross with Luke. “I better not find you sneaking into our hotel room later to take more pictures. I don’t care if you enjoyed it or not; that’s just fucking weird… And don’t send anymore to Jimmy! I don’t need his shit.”

“I’m just trying to keep him in the loop…,” Luke argues, but they drop the subject there.

“Wallid, relax,” Jeff says, spotting him still grumbling in the rear view mirror. “It wasn’t _that_ bad.”

“Yeah,” Caddy agrees, “stop acting like a bloody five-year-old.”

“You’re not the one sitting next to them!” Wallid cries. “You’re the one _driving_! You’ll never have to put up with their bullshit so…,” he makes a face, “intimately.”

Jeff laughs raucously. “Like I said, man, if you want to drive I won’t stop you!”


	8. The One With Scheming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jimmy discovers the pictures Luke sent him, Jon and Shane have "a moment," and they stop for snacks.

Jimmy has busied himself playing Nokémon on his 4DS when he feels his phone vibrate in his pocket. Who wants his attention now? He pulls out his phone, opening up the pile of messages he received from Luke… and nearly dying of laughter. “Oh my god… What the actual fuck?”

PBG turns around in his seat, intrigued. “What happened?”

Jimmy is quick to shield his phone from his eyes. “I can’t tell you—or, I guess, show you… It would sully your pure, virgin eyes.”

“I’m guessing I can’t look either, then,” says Hana, being too short to get a good look over his shoulder.

“Is this about what’s going on in Jeff’s car?” Shane asks, not even bothering to take a look at everyone in the backseat. “Because I’m sure it’s not good.”

“Probably better than whatever’s happening in Satch’s car,” Jirard points out.

“...True.”

Jimmy can’t help but smirk. “Let’s just say… Caddy and Ian definitely aren’t wasting any time…” He turns to Hana confidentially. “And if anything, you _should_ see this since you’re the one who technically caused it. But that’s up to you.”

“Lemme see!” Mai shrieks. She snatches Jimmy’s phone out of his hands before he has time to react and flips to the photos with hunger in her eyes. “Oh. My. _God!_ You guys _have_ to see this! Things are getting frisky in the Hidden Block car…”

“Oh, god…,” Shane groans, rubbing away an oncoming headache.

Hana leans against her girlfriend’s shoulder until she has a good look at the phone screen. “O-oh.” She turns a bit red as she realizes just what it is she’s looking at. “Wow. That was… fast.” She clears her throat, composing herself as best as she can. “I guess I’m at least glad I made them happy…”

“Awwww, Hana!” Mai squeals. “You’re so cute when you blush…!” She plants a quick kiss on her cheek before passing the phone up to the seat in front of her. “Here, Jon, pass it around. And make sure Shane gets it, since he’s partially responsible, too!”

“I don’t need to see it,” Shane tells them, holding his head in his hands.

Jon takes the phone without hesitation, letting out a cry of, “Whoa!” as soon as his eyes hit the screen. He squints after a moment, seeming to examine one of the images closely. “Is that a hickey?”

“What?!” Mai cries, leaning up out of her seat to get a look at it too. “How did I miss that?!”

Next to him, PBG starts to turn red at just the thought of whatever’s on that phone. “I don’t even want to know…”

Not one for persuasion, Jon has decided to just try and force Shane to take the phone, the act of which probably involves way too much physical contact for Shane’s taste. “C’mon, Shane! Don’t you wanna be in the loop? See how your partner in Britishness is doing?”

“Please stop touching me,” Shane requests, not moving from his position. “And he’s not my partner in Britishness. We’re just friends with a common homeland that we occasionally bond over.”

“Eh, it’s okay, Jon,” Jimmy tells him. “I’m sure there will be plenty more angry make out sessions for him to witness later.” Jon pouts, pulls away from Shane, and sits back in his seat as he hands Jimmy’s phone back to him.

PBG quickly goes from tinted red to bright pink. “Th-they _made out_ in Jeff’s car?!”

“Duh?” Jimmy says, gladly taking his phone back from Jon. He makes sure to save all of photos Luke sent him to his camera roll; never know when they might come in handy. “What the hell else did you think they were doing?”

“Did they get in trouble?” Jirard asks, looking a bit scandalized at this new information.

“Hidden Block operates under complete anarchy,” Hana says. “I kinda doubt it.”

Jimmy looks up from his phone, locking it and setting it down on his lap for later use. “Honestly, if I know all of them as well as I think I do… Wallid was busy sitting there whining like a little bitch, Luke was having the time of his life documenting the moment, and Jeff was just trying to make sure they didn’t fall out of the car. No reason to get in trouble for having a little fun!”

“Damn!” Mai curses. “I wish our car were that exciting!” She pouts. “Hidden Block gets to have all the fun…”

“Well, I’m right here…,” Hana points out, seeming to consider the option thoroughly.

Shane turns around in his seat suddenly, finally moving from his closed-off position to address everyone in the car. “No one is making out in this car! Is that clear?” Nearby, PBG lets out a quiet sigh of relief at this.

“O-okay!” Hana replies, sitting up straight as a board under his gaze.

Mai deflates, obviously having been eager to kiss her girlfriend. “Awww, Shane! You’re no fun…”

“I’m with Shane!” Jon declares, making an overly dramatic, disgusted face. “If any of you want to get it on, get a damn room.”

“You see, kids,” says Jimmy, “this is why we can’t have nice things.” _And why Hidden Block has all the fun._

Mai crosses her arms with a huff before quietly grumbling to Hana, “ _Clearly_ you joined the wrong club.”

“You’re the one who told me Hidden Block was full of weirdos…,” Hana sighs.

“Aww, they’re not that bad!” Jirard cuts in. “I mean, that’s why we’re on this trip together, right?”

“No, Mai’s right,” says Shane. “They’re all freaks of nature.”

“Shane!” Jirard cries, sounding as if he’s ready to give his roommate the scolding of a lifetime.

Jimmy smiles. “Guilty as charged.”

“They may be weirdos,” Mai argues, shrugging, “but at least they know how to have fun.”

Jimmy’s smile turns into a smirk. “Also true.”

“Hey, we know how to have fun, too!” cries Jon.

“Yeah!” Jirard agrees. “Just not…,” he blushes, “ _that_ kind of fun.”

Jon grins widely at the support. “See? We just have a different kind of fun!” He contorts himself to properly address the feathery robot perched on the car console. “Right, Jacques?”

Jacques waits a beat, staring bleakly at Jon’s face before replying. “I refuse to answer for the sake of your primitive human emotions.”

“Wow,” drawls Shane. “Telling it like it is. Guess he wants to spare your feelings, Jon.”

“Awwww!” Jon coos. “You’re so considerate, Jacques!” He dives forward and plants a kiss on the top of his companion’s head. “Always looking out for me!”

“Can I at least cuddle with my girlfriend?” Hana asks, leaning forward in her seat to eye Shane. “Is that permitted?”

“Do whatever your little heart desires, Hana,” says Jimmy, having decided his opinion overrules Shane’s.

Mai wastes no time in throwing an arm around Hana and holding her close, giggling mirthfully. “I _guess_ I can settle with that for now…”

Out of the corner of his eye, Jon notices PBG tense slightly and turn to stare out the window. “You okay there, Peebs?” he asks, his voice dripping with concern.

PBG jolts slightly. “Huh?” It takes him a moment to register the look on Jon’s face, but once he does, he’s rushing to excuse his uncharacteristic behavior. “Oh, uh, yeah! Fine!” Wow. Nailed it. But Jon gives up, which he supposes is what really matters.

But just few feet behind him, someone else notice, although she doesn’t comment on it. _He’s always like this…_ Hana can’t help but think. _Does he really have something against me?_

“Oh, right!” Jirard suddenly chirps, startling everyone with his enthusiasm. “So, guess what?” He doesn’t even bother waiting for an answer before continuing, always bustling ten steps ahead of everyone else. “I get to choose where we go for lunch! I would have picked out a place beforehand, but I figured I’d let you guys get a word in, and then we can let everyone know through the walkie talkies! How does that sound?”

“Yeah!” Jon shouts as he raises his fist into the air… only for him to slam it against the ceiling of the car and reel back in pain. “Ow!”

“Jon, bro, like calm the fuck down,” Jacques eloquently suggests.

Seeing as he’s now temporarily incapacitated, PBG decides to take it upon himself to answer Jirard. “That sounds awesome, thanks! I don’t really mind where we eat, though.” He takes a quick look around at all the other faces in the car. “Anyone else got a suggestion?”

Hana hums thoughtfully, dwelling on the question for a moment before responding. “Maybe there’s some place local we could go to? It all depends on what’s nearby, and what place could fit this many of us, but it would be healthier than fast food…”

The car is silent in thought for a moment, before Mai nearly jumps out of her seat, screaming, “I want _ramen_!”

“Are you sure?” Jimmy scoffs. “I don’t think you said it loud enough.”

“That… actually sounds like a pretty good idea,” says Hana. “As long as the place is decently sized, it’s the kind of restaurant where the workers wouldn’t be as inconvenienced by a large group.”

Jirard takes his eyes off of the road for the slightest of seconds to glance at the passenger’s seat. “Shane, could you—”

“Already on it,” he replies, pulling out his phone to start searching for any ramen place they might be passing by within the next few hours.

“Yes! I win!” With that said and done, Mai sits back in her seat, a look of triumph painted across her face.

“I mean, all of our friends are wild animals,” Jimmy says to Hana. “We’re gonna be a nuisance no matter where we go.” He tries to hold back a laugh as he imagines them all getting kicked out for public indecency, but he can’t. Just the thought of it is too good.

“Yeah…,” Hana agrees, just as despondent with their friends’ rowdy tendencies. “If only there was a way to keep Paul, Nick, and Josh away from each other for just a while… Then we’d have better chances.”

Shane nearly rolls his eyes at the very suggestion. Those three are about a step and a jump away from getting surgery so they’ll _literally_ we attached at the hip. There’s no tearing them apart.

Unless…

He pauses midway through searching for ramen shops to turn around and send Jon a meaningful look. “That could be arranged.”

“Really?!” Hana blurts out, completely taken aback by the confidence in Shane’s voice. There’s… no way…

“Yeah!” Jon assures, before turning to Hana with a smug look on his face. “You see, Hana, Shane and I know some top secret information.” He shoots her a quick wink before focusing back on Shane. “But do you think it’ll work? I thought Paul wasn’t interested.”

Jimmy perks up at this new, yet incredibly vague information. “Interested in what?”

Mai, it seems, is equally as interested. “Yeah! What the hell are you two talking about? There’s no way you can split them up!”

Shane rolls his eyes, ignoring their pleas for an explanation. It seems Jon is the only one who matters to him right now. “That’s what he said, but we all know Paul is hopelessly oblivious. He might just need to be nudged in the right direction… And I think we’d _all_ benefit from that.”

Jon leans forward a bit so they can talk a little easier and nods in agreement; it seems he feels the same. “Maybe! He is pretty hopeless, isn’t he? But how do we go about it? Make ‘em sit next to each other at lunch? Sounds easier said than done…”

Oddly enough, it seems Shane doesn’t mind the proximity of his and Jon’s faces. “We already know Jared wants to,” he says, lowering his voice so only Jon can hear, “so it’s really just a matter of getting Paul involved… If we can stall the three of them until there’s only a few seats left, then maybe…”

Jon’s getting a little excited at the prospect of this scheme, as is made very clear by the stupid grin taking over his face. “Well, it took them long enough to get out of the car before, so the rest of us just gotta beat ‘em in! And make sure there’s only one seat left next to Jared, and two somewhere else! It’s golden!”

Shane finds himself smiling a little bit, too. Jon’s excitement must be contagious. “I’m glad you like it. You’re the master entertainer, so think of some way to distract them.”

Jon winks. “On it, chief! No one can stop this power duo!”

Shane actually lets out a small laugh, his eyes shining. “Of course not. If all goes well, our vacation could be Continue-proof.”

“No one ever tells me anything!” Mai complains, clearly frustrated with the low volume at which Jon and Shane are speaking.

Hana pats her gently on the shoulder. “I-it’s okay, Mai… B-because I tell you everything…,” she squeaks, turning pink just from trying to compliment her girlfriend.

“Oh, Hana!” Mai squeals. “Thank you! You’re right!” She smiles lovingly before leaning forward and kissing her on the cheek. “You’re just so damn cute when you blush…”

Hana giggles lightly, playfully pushing her away. “M-Mai…!”

Mai giggles too, wrapping her arms around Hana, pulling her close, and peppering her face with kisses. “What was that, Hana? I couldn’t hear you!”

Jimmy leans to the side a little so he can properly feign ignorance if need be. “Watch out, you two. Shane might just throw you out of the car.”

Hana takes a look up front and smiles at what she sees. It seems Shane’s a little too caught up in his conversation to notice them. “I… think he’s distracted,” she says.

And it’s not just him: Jon is completely lost in Shane’s smile without even realizing it. “Hell, there’s no way this _can’t_ go well!”

At Hana’s words, Mai turns to get a look too and gasps at the sight of them. “Yeah, I’ll say…!” she whispers, as not to ruin the moment.

“Wow,” Jimmy mumbles, raising his eyebrows in shock. _Go get ‘em, Shane._

Shane’s smile grows just a little more, and it looks like he’s about to say something when—

“Shane, did you find a ramen place?” Jirard asks, far too focused on driving to have noticed the looks on Shane and Jon’s faces.

That’s all it takes for Shane to snap out of it, and he turns a bit pink at the realization that he got so caught up in Jon that he forgot about everyone else. He picks up his phone again and quickly unlocks it. “Uh, wait one second, I’ve got it…”

Jon blinks, confused at the sudden lack of Shane in his vision, before flushing a little as well. He’s… actually _disappointed_ that Shane isn’t there anymore.

Mai bites her lip, holding back a scream of anguish. “That… was so disappointing…”

Hana’s slightly less upset at this development, but she’s still upset enough to lean forward and tap PBG on the shoulder. “Hey,” she whispers, barely a breath, but loud enough for him to hear.

“Huh?” PBG blurts out, perhaps a little louder than he should. He’s been staring out the window for a good five minutes now, and as such was a little startled by her sudden touch, but he lights up as soon as realizes it’s her. “Oh, hey,” he replies, trying to play it casual.

Seeing as he didn’t get the memo on being quiet, she leans in close to his ear to keep Jon from hearing, even cupping a hand around her mouth to keep the noise out. “Did you see any of what just happened?”

PBG glances over at Jon and raises his eyebrows. Is he… blushing? “No,” he says to Hana, just as quietly, “what did I miss?”

“He and Shane were just…,” she searches for the right way to word it, “...having a moment. You’re Jon’s roommate. Do you… know anything about this?”

He’s shocked, to say the least. “Were they really?” He has to think about it for a moment before responding. “Well… I mean, he talks trash about Shane all the time, but I never really thought anything of it.” He takes another look over at Jon’s bewildered expression. “And frankly, he’s so oblivious that he probably never thought anything of it, either…”

“I think…,” murmurs Hana, “I think that they’d be good for each other. Shane needs to let go a little and Jon needs someone to keep him grounded. Just… keep an eye on them, okay?”

He flashes her a thumbs up and that precious PBG smile. “You got it! Jon’s my best friend, after all.”

She gives him a sweet little smile in return. “Thanks, PBG.” She goes to sit back in her seat, but stops as something occurs to her. “...Does that stand for something?”

PBG finds himself so distracted by her cuteness that it takes a second for the question to register. “Oh! Uh, yeah. It does…” It’s hard to hide the crestfallen feeling rising in his chest, but he manages. If only she remembered… “It stands for Peanut ButterGamer.”

She pauses for a second, staring off into space with a look of concentration on her face. That sounds… so familiar… But why? She sits back in her seat, deciding she’s got a ten hour car ride to ponder it further.

PBG frowns, turning his attention back to the window. He was hoping that would help her remember… But apparently not. He lets out a small sigh and turns back to the window. It’s going to be a long drive.

Mai looks at her girlfriend’s expression of concentration with curiosity. “What’s that face for?”

“I’m trying to remember something…,” she mutters, “but I’m not sure what…”

“There’s a place about an hour and a half from here,” Shane says at last, looking up from his phone to relay this information to Jirard. “It should be on the way. We’re stopping for gas soon, right?”

Jirard nods. “Yep! And so you can all buy more snacks.”

This finally breaks Jon out of his little daze. “Please!” he cries. “I’m starving back here!” Where all the snacks disappeared to, no one will ever know, but Jon likely played a part in it.

Jirard’s eyes flicker towards the fuel gauge. “Shane—”

Shane’s hands are on the walkie talkie in seconds. “Already on it.” He holds down the pink button on the side and speaks into the receiver. “We’re stopping for gas soon. And more snacks.”

Luke’s voice is the first one to sound out. “Roger! Also, Wallid wants to escape make out point, so he’s up next in your car, okay?”

“Doesn’t matter to me,” Shane replies.

“Sounds like a great idea,” comes Jared’s voice through the speaker. And then, a bit louder, he says, “We’re short a bag of chips we really could have used.” There’s a generic level of chaos coming from the walkie talkie for a beat (presumably Paul, Nick, and Josh arguing over whose fault the chip incident really was), before the line goes silent.

Jon is the first to break that silence, humming thoughtfully for a moment before speaking. “Jared sounds pretty peeved, Shane. Still think the plan is a good idea?”

Shane considers this for a moment, then shrugs. “We’re stopping soon. Might as well test the waters.” Jon only nods in response, seemingly satisfied.

Jimmy pouts. “You two again with your cryptic plans…”

“Cheer up, Jimmy!” says Mai. “You’ll be with your boyfriend again soon!”

He raises an eyebrow. “You lost me at ‘boyfriend.’”

Mai lets out a long sigh. “You’re only kind of a dummy… Did you think none of us noticed you and Luke prancing around like newlyweds?” She turns to Hana, hoping to prove her point. “You noticed it too, didn’t you?”

“Yeah. It was kind of cute.” She looks at Jimmy with wide, curious eyes. “Do you actually like him?”

“You guys are sounding like twelve-year-olds back there,” says Shane. Not that he’s much better.

“Let them have their fun, Shane,” Jirard chides, but the look on his face is more amused than anything else. “Besides, I’m kind of curious, too!”

Jimmy is very clearly taken aback, his eyes widening to the size of saucers. “Uh… I’ve… never really thought about it…”

“You’ve… never thought about it?” repeats Mai, her voice revealing nothing but disbelief.

This seems to call PBG out of his corner. “How could you _not_ think about it?” He is, after all, the guy who’s still obsessed with a taken girl; that’s probably _all_ he thinks about.

Jimmy’s starting to look a little like a cornered animal at this point. “I don’t know!” he cries. “I mean, we flirt and shit with each other all the time! Not really as much as today, but… but I guess… It just never really occurred to me.” Maybe that’s why kissing him felt so… tingly… Or is that how kisses are supposed to feel? Damn these upperclassmen… “Besides, Luke is like that with everyone!” he points out. “I don’t see why him holding _my_ hand makes any difference.”

“Am I detecting some jealousy?” asks Shane with a smirk.

Hana grins just a little. “Now who’s twelve?”

“...Shush.”

“I have no reason to be jealous!” Jimmy snaps, if only just to hide how flustered he’s getting. “Luke can hold hands with whoever he wants…”

“Looks like you nailed it right on the head, Shane,” says Mai. “Someone wants senpai to notice him…!”

“Do you even hear what you’re saying right now?!” Jimmy asks. “Hana’s right, you’re all acting like children…,” he mutters, completely ignoring the fact that Shane said that first.

Hana, however, seems to have very little patience with this sort of denial. She’s already had to deal with enough of this today; these Hidden Block members are all the same. “I was the first one to ask you if you liked him…” She sighs. “Look, Jimmy. It’s fine. Nobody really cares whether you like Luke or not. Except Mai. She probably cares immensely.”

“She cares a little _too_ much, if you ask me…,” Shane comments.

“Hey! I care a very healthy amount, thank you very much!”

Jimmy rolls his eyes before shooting a glare at the redhead. “And to think, for just a second, I was sad to be switching cars with Wallid.”

“Alright, alright!” Jon finally shouts over them. “Are you all done arguing about nothing?” Without waiting for a response, he suddenly leaps out of his seat and latches onto the back of Shane’s, pointing at something in the distance. “‘Cause I see the promised land!”

There’s a short moment of silence before PBG says, “Jon, that’s a gas station.”

Despite the fact that his seat is being assaulted, Shane is more amused than he is annoyed. “Yeah, but it’s where he can get his candy.”

Jirard nods surely. “This one will do just fine!”

At his reassurance, Shane is quick to pick up the walkie talkie again. “This is the gas station we’re stopping at,” he announces into the receiver, hoping that will be enough forewarning.

Jirard turns the van and pulls into the gas station, bringing it to a stop in front of one of the pumps. “Buy whatever you want!” he tells them as he undoes his seatbelt and opens the car door. “I’ll just be over here!”

As soon as the car is parked, Jon hops out and starts bouncing up and down like an excited child, looking at Shane expectantly. “C’mon, c’mon, let’s _go_!”

Shane steps out into the parking lot much slower than Jon does. “What do you need my permission for?”

PBG gets out as well and makes sure to flash a small smile at Jirard. “Thanks, Jirard.” With that done, he makes his way over to the mart with his hands stuffed in his pockets.

Satch isn’t far behind them, and as he parks his car in front of one of the other vacant gas pumps, he turns around to address the… fine gentlemen in his car. “Don’t… get too wild, please.”

“No promises,” Josh says as he opens the car door on his side.

Jared, the only real gentlemen in this godforsaken car, lets out an exhausted sigh. “I’ll watch them…,” he mutters in surrender, before opening the passenger’s seat door to follow them.

Hana unbuckles her seatbelt and makes her way out of the backseat first, so she can make things easier for Jimmy and Mai. As she lowers herself to the pavement, she takes note of where Jirard’s stationed himself by the gas pump. “Do you want me to get you anything, Jirard?”

Jirard waves his hands in front of himself, doing his best to dismiss her offer. “Oh, you don’t have to do that! I’m fine!”

“Okay,” she says, slowly, “but you know I’m going to anyways, so you might as well just tell me what you want.”

There’s a pause, and then, “Junior Mints, please,” is his quiet reply.

Hana beams, happy to get her way. “Okay!” she chirps, and only waits for Mai before heading over to the convenience store.


	9. The One Where Satch Agrees to Something He Will Likely Regret in the Near Future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caddy makes an interesting discovery by complete accident, Paul continues to be a train wreck, and there's one line about Satch in this chapter that can be interpreted in two ways, so have fun figuring out which one I meant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i'm sorry i've left you guys hanging for like............... two months.... but hey, i'm here now & i'm ready to deliver that Quality Content
> 
> this is the point in the story where paul starts spewing out italian, so i GUESS i'll be nice to you guys and leave keys at the bottom of chapters so you won't have to rely on google translate like i did........
> 
> speaking of which, i've added mightymudkipz (my rp partner & actual romantic partner) as a second author to this story!! every time paul does something awful?? that's them. they also write a really good satch, 10/10 nice work
> 
> also did everyone hear about satchell??? actual satchell????? i'm so glad like i feel like i need to shut up abt it but i'm just so happy.............. and then again it seems like only 1/4 of the fanbase has heard abt it so............ if you need the deets just ask in the comments, this a/n is getting long & i need to shut up

Jimmy hops out Jirard’s car, and he’s about to follow the girls when he sees Jeff’s car pulling up out of the corner of his eye. “Well, I guess I’ll wait for them,” he says, more to himself than to anyone else.

It doesn’t take long. Within seconds Jeff has brought the car to a halt, claiming the gas pump across from Satch. “Okay everyone, file out!” he cries, pulling himself out of the car as soon as it’s parked. It seems he’s rather eager to go get some snacks himself.

“It’s about time…,” Caddy mutters. He proceeds to try and open the door… only to find that the child safety lock is still on. “Well, fuck me.”

“That can be arranged,” is Ian’s flat reply.

Caddy’s arms collide with his side as he (lovingly, of course) shoves him into Wallid. “I’m sure you’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

Wallid wastes no time in opening the door on his side, which, fortunately for him, was left unlocked. “Okay, I’m leaving now.” He jumps out without a second thought, slamming the car door behind him.

“Wow, rude,” Ian says.

“What the actual fuck?” Caddy grumbles. “Rude prick.” He starts to push Ian towards the door Wallid left from, seeing as the other one is still locked. “C’mon, Moosey. Let’s get going already.”

But Ian leans back, slowly shifting his weight onto Caddy’s hands. “Oh no, what’s this? Gravity must be increasing on me.”

Caddy certainly wasn’t prepared for this, and as such he flounders as Ian leans further and further back. “What? No it’s not!” He wraps his arms around Ian’s waist in a feeble attempt to support his weight, shrieking all the while. “What the hell are you doing, trying to crush me?!”

Despite his boyfriend’s protests, Ian doesn’t stop, leaning back until he’s practically laying on top of Caddy. “No need. I’ve already spent enough time crushing on you.”

That’s enough to bring a light blush to Caddy’s cheeks, and he finds himself thankful that Ian’s back is turned. “Oh? H-have you really now?”

Ian sits back up just the slightest bit. “If I hadn’t been I wouldn’t have said yes earlier,” he tells him, sounding serious now.

Caddy can’t help but laugh a little at that. “God dammit, can’t you just let me get a little flustered without getting all defensive on me? Besides, I know you have been… I must’ve had some inkling, or else I never would’ve have the guts to tell you that I have been, too. Crushing on you, that is.” It’s not often that he vocalizes his feelings, but he’s almost adorable in his awkwardness.

Ian sits up completely now, only to turn around and hug Caddy tightly. “I wasn’t getting defensive,” he says in a very small voice.

Caddy can feel his own heart stop before he slowly wraps his arms around Ian in return. He holds him close, hoping he doesn’t notice the small smile tugging at his lips. “No, of course not.”

“I’m… sorry about earlier today,” Ian tells him, the words feeling foreign on his tongue. “I just didn’t think there was any way you’d ever like me back…” He sighs. “I don’t know. I’m not really used to people wanting to spend time with me or have me around. I guess I thought it was too good to be true.”

“No, no, don’t be sorry. I… I understand completely.” He pauses for a moment, contemplating what exactly he wants to say. “I’m sorry for everything.” The next part comes out as more of a mumble than anything else, as it’s something he’s been hard-pressed to admit for a long time. “For always tormenting you, and yelling at you earlier, and…” He laughs a little, knowing he could extend that list on for years if need be. “I guess I never really thought you’d ever like me either, so I figured that was the only way I’d ever get your attention…” He rests his head on Ian’s shoulder. “I guess we both thought it was too good to be true.”

Ian almost laughs, and pulls back so he can look at him. “Oh, please. Don’t be sorry for that. All of the petty arguments, the bickering, the screaming matches… They were fun. And if you put a stop to them just because we’re dating, I will personally go out and burn every ES1 game in existance just so you can never play them again.”

He wouldn’t really, but the look of horror on Caddy’s face makes it absolutely worth the bluff. “Fucker, you wouldn’t!”

“I won’t have to if you keep making my life a living hell. It’s a pretty easy job.”

Caddy smirks. “Well, that won’t be too hard. After all, all I need to do is scratch your neck a little…” He stealthily places his hand on the back of Ian’s neck, scraping his nails down it just hard enough for him to feel it.

Ian narrows his eyes a little, but otherwise he seems to be unaffected. “You’re gonna have to try a lot harder than that. Last time you just about clawed me.”

Caddy’s smirk grows as he places both hands on Ian’s neck, moving forward to sit in his lap. “Is that a challenge?” Slowly, one by one, he digs his nails into his skin, waiting to actually scratch him.

Ian hisses a little, but still manages to stay composed. “What, is that the best you have?”

“Of course not, my dear, _dear_ Moosey.” He rakes his nails down Ian’s neck as hard as he can, making the other boy grit his teeth. “I’m just getting started.” He leans in close to whisper in his ear. “That one was for the hickey you gave me.”

Ian puts up with the pain, though his voice shakes slightly as he mumbles, “W-what, is this some kind of weird punishment kink I didn’t know about?”

“Hmm? Of course not. I’m simply giving you a taste of your own medicine.” He gently grazes his fingers over the scratch marks he just made, as if trying to nurse Ian back to health. “Unless, of course, you’re secretly super masochistic, and you’re just hoping I’m a sadistic fuck.”

Ian suddenly flushes, looking much like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. “Um.”

Caddy raises his eyebrows in surprise. “Did I hit the nail on the head, Moosey?” he asks, inching his face a little closer.

“I… didn’t say anything,” Ian mumbles, avoiding Caddy’s eyes all the while.

Caddy smirks, grabbing Ian’s chin and forcing his gaze forward. “Oh, but you didn’t deny it, Moose.”

Ian glares; the smallest act of retaliation he could muster. “Fucking bite me.”

“Gladly.”

 

Jon is fairly sure he’s scoped out a prime scheming spot for him and Shane: the candy aisle. ...No, not just because he wants to buy all of it. “Okay, how should we go about this?” he starts, keeping his voice as close to a furtive whisper as he can manage. “I think I saw Jared walking over here, just behind Paul… I can’t think of any better time to test. Got any ideas?”

Shane takes a moment to look around the room before he spots a blindingly yellow wet floor sign. He points directly at it. “Get Jared over there.”

Jon’s eyes follow Shane’s outstretched arm until they lock onto the target, and then he turns back to Shane with a nod. “On it!” He strolls over to the sign, moving it back slightly and strategically placing his body in front of it. He waits until he sees Jared make his way into the convenience store, only a view paces behind Continue, before calling out to him. “Hey, Jared! C’mere!”

Hearing his name, Jared decides he can afford to take his attention off of the troublesome trio for just a second… What’s the worst they could do in his absence? He makes his way over to Jon, but not without sparing one last cautionary glance at the three of them. “What’s up?”

With that out of the way, Shane quickly scans the room for any signs of where Paul might have wandered off to. After a moment, he hears Nick’s voice sound out from the other side of the candy shelf. “Sometimes I seriously think you just like watching me suffer,” he’s saying.

“Kinky,” Shane can hear Josh mumble.

So that’s where they are. Shane glances back at the wet floor area behind Jon, which they’ll surely be approaching soon. Hopefully Jon has quick reflexes...

“I wanna show you something!” Jon says, taking just a tiny step to the side, so that he reveals a section of wet floor while still covering the sign. “Stand right there.” He gently maneuvers Jared onto the wet tiles, being extra careful as to make sure he doesn’t slip (and hoping that he doesn’t notice the floor is wet at all). “Look! These tiles are kind of like a mirror!” He points down at the ground, where the surface, at just the right angle, shows a translucent reflection of Jared… or mostly just his sparkles, really. So it’s kind of dumb, but it got Jared over here, didn’t it?

And it’ll get him to _stay_ here, judging by how quickly he’s distracted by his reflection in the tiles. He smiles down at himself, tilting his head this way and that way to get a better look. Truly one of Jon’s brighter ideas. Now to play the waiting game...

“Hey!” says Paul’s voice, wandering closer and closer to the other end of the recently-washed aisle. “If anyone’s the kinky one here, it’s you, Josh. I mean, with the way you threatened us with that nail file…”

“At least I’m not Jon,” says Josh, just as the three of them pop into Shane’s line of view. “Every time he calls himself ‘daddy’ I am legitimately concerned.” His eyes land on the wet floor sign on the opposite end of the aisle and he stops in his tracks. “Hey, Paul.” He nudges the other boy and jerks a finger towards it. “I dare you.”

Well. That didn’t take long. Jon takes a peek at the three ticking time bombs out of the corner of his eyes and prepares himself for the inevitable explosion. Paul just needs to take the bait… And, eyes gleaming, he does. “Oh, hell yes,” he replies as he quickly puts himself in a running stance. “Watch this, boys.” He spares Nick and Josh one last glance before taking off, running full speed ahead.

As soon as his feet hit the slick floor he rockets forward, sliding uncontrollably and letting out a triumphant shout. He moves far faster than anticipated, and Jon leaps out of the way just in time for him to crash right into Jared, sending both of them tumbling to the floor with Paul on top.

“Oh my god,” Nick gasps, unable to even look at the two of them, “why do you tell him to do these things…?”

“That could have gone better,” says Josh.

“‘Could have gone better?’ Jared’s going to tell Satch about this for sure! Do you know how much trouble we’re going to be in?!”

Blearily, Jared forces his eyes open. He doesn’t have the slightest clue what just happened, but when his gaze focuses the first thing he sees is Paul, inches away from his face. “Oh,” he whispers, more dazed than anything else.

Paul lets out a long groan, raising a hand up to rub at his forehead. It takes him a moment to return to reality and properly assess the situation, and even longer to actually realize what must have happened. But one he sees Jared splayed out underneath him, things piece themselves together rather quickly. But it still takes a few more seconds for him to notice just how close he is to Jared’s face and that he is, in fact, lying on top of him. His cheeks flush instantly, a look of panic and embarrassment plastered across his face. “O-oh god, I’m sorry…!” he sputters, while the phrase, _Fuck you Josh, fuck you Josh, fuck you Josh,_ repeats over and over in his head like a mantra. He makes no move to get up, however. He seems to be frozen in place.

It’s now that Josh, almost as if he’s heard Paul’s internal monologue, catches sight of just what’s happening. “Oh no.”

“Oh, so _now_ you’re worried!” Nick cries. “Hate to tell you this, Josh, but it’s a little late for—” He’s cut short when Josh grabs his hand and squeezes it tightly.

“He’s going to figure it out.”

Jared is starting to turn a bit pink too, but in his case it’s mostly out of embarrassment to be in this situation in a public place. “I-it’s fine, Paul, let me just…” He grabs Paul’s shoulders and tries to get himself out from under him, but his elbow slips against the floor and he falls back again, taking Paul down with him. Their faces nearly collide as they go down again, putting them only inches away from kissing and putting Paul in full panic mode.

“ _M-mi dispiace_ —” he starts, before catching himself and switching languages accordingly. “I-I mean, I’m sorry, I-I…!” He practically leaps off of him, just to slip on the floor once more. This time, at least, he falls backwards, landing a few feet away from Jared, but that doesn’t change the fact that he looks redder than a tomato. He looks about ready to bolt for the door… if he could figure out how his legs worth, that is.

“Ah, it’s… it’s fine,” Jared replies, maneuvering himself until he’s out of the wet floor area. He tries hard to ignore the overwhelming feelings of disorientation and mortification slowly setting in. “I shouldn’t have been over here anyways.”

Paul swallows, taking a breath before standing up slowly (once he’s sure he actually _can_ stand), and moving away from the danger zone. He’s pretty sure he feels just as embarrassed as Jared does, if not more. “N-no, it was my bad, I-I…” His mouth won’t produce words beyond that, and the only word his mind conjures up is, _Fuck._ He refuses to even _look_ at Jared, instead opting to stare directly at the ground.

As soon as Paul is within reach Josh grabs his arm and pulls him back between him and Nick. “You’re okay, right? No bruises or scratches? You didn’t hit your head too hard?”

“Dude, you’re the one who dared him to,” Nick mutters. Something catches his eye suddenly, and he stares at Paul in shock for a moment before speaking again. “Paul, you’re, uh… you’re sparkling.”

“I-I am?!” Paul shrieks. He leans down to look at himself in the still-reflective floor, just to discover that Nick is right. It’s nowhere near as strong as Jared’s near-blinding gleam, but there’s a noticeable shimmer there.

Jared turns red as soon as the words register, and he cups his hands around his mouth to shout across the aisle. “S-sorry, that happens sometimes! It kind of… rubs off!”

“Oh my god…,” Paul murmurs, beginning to feel faint. He was close enough to Jared… for his sparkles to rub off on him? He takes a shaky step back, and when Josh gives him another worried look, he spits out, “I’m fine,” even if he definitely isn’t.

Jon, still watching from a few feet away, scrunches his brow in confusion at Paul’s exaggerated reaction. He flashes a confused look at Shane. Didn’t Jared say Paul wasn’t interested…? Shane appears to be observing him just as closely, and after a moment he leans over and whispers in Jon’s ear. “I’m going to try something.”

He nods quickly before whispering back, “Need help?”

“I’ll do fine,” Shane tells him before making his way over to where Paul has rejoined Nick and Josh. “Jesus, you two,” he says once he’s planted himself next to them, plenty loud enough for Jared to hear. “At least wait until we get to the hotel to start fucking around.” Across the aisle, Jon almost chokes on his own tongue trying to contain his laughter. He definitely didn’t see that one coming.

Jared turns even redder, if at all possible. “That’s not—we weren’t—ugh!” It comes out as more of a yell than a groan, and he runs his hand roughly through his hair as he turns on his heel and storms off.

“W-we weren’t!” Paul agrees, quickly losing the very last of his composure in Jared’s absence. “W-we wouldn’t!” He seems to be getting more and more flustered by the minute, looking to Nick and Josh for support.

Unfortunately, Nick has started to panic a little. “Yeah right!” he blurts out. “Paul would never be into Jared! Isn’t that right, Paulie?” Josh grimaces. Good going, Nick.

“Y-yeah!” Paul cries, before his voice drops down. “I-I would…,” he has to try as hard as possible not to turn and run or just stare at the floor, “never…” He has no idea how to deal with this. How could he? Nick and Josh were never supposed to know… He thought he would get over his dumb crush before it ever came to that. He clenches his hands into tight fists, unable to look either of them in the eyes.

“Yeah, I don’t think so,” Shane mutters before casually making his way back over to Jon. Mission accomplished, as far as he’s concerned.

As soon as he’s out of earshot, Nick finds he’s able to breathe properly again. “Uh…,” he starts, giving Paul a concerned look. “You doing alright, man?”

“It’s okay if you like him, you know,” says Josh suddenly. It’s sort of a lie, but Paul will never have to know that. “You’re like, our best friend, Paul. It’s not like we’re gonna judge you for it or anything.”

Paul snaps his head up, staring at Josh with a stupid, bewildered expression on his face. And if the way Nick flinches is any indication, he’s just as taken aback by this. After all, Josh _was_ pretty distressed by this development until just a moment ago. “Y-you’re not…?” Paul whimpers, looking like he might just cry. “Aren’t you mad at me…? You both asked me earlier if I liked him and… and I lied to you…” Not to mention the numerous times he had insisted he liked girls and only girls, end of story. Granted, he had convinced even himself of that until just a few minutes ago.

Nick shrugs. “Honestly, we just figured you were a dumbass.”

“You’re kind of oblivious with this stuff,” Josh adds.

This more or less seems to bring Paul back to his normal behavior. “Hey! I’m not _that_ oblivious!”

“Nah, I’m with Josh on this one,” Nick sighs. He, of all people, would know that Paul is much more oblivious than he thinks he is.

Paul sighs, finally leading their small group over to the chip aisle to get what they came for. “Seriously? You _never_ side with him.”

Nick sneaks Josh a fond look. “I’m only doing it because I love him so much.”

“Same,” Josh replies with a smile.

“‘Same’ you love me too, or ‘same’ you love yourself?”

“Same.”

“God dammit…,” Nick sighs.

Paul pouts as he brings himself to a stop in front of the assorted selection of chips the convenience store offers. “Gosh, Nick, whatever happened to bros before hoes…? I thought you loved me!”

“We both do,” Josh tells him. They love him more than he thinks.

“Yeah, yeah, I know…,” Paul mutters, grabbing a large bag of chips to replace the one they destroyed… and throwing it at Josh. “I just like giving you two shit.”

“Same,” says Josh once again, catching the chips with ease.

“So…,” Nick starts awkwardly, obviously wanting more information but unsure of how to go about asking, “you and Jared, huh?”

Paul can feel himself start to blush. “Uh, yeah, I guess… What about it?”

“How long has that been going on for…?” he asks with a sheepish grin. Part of him knows it’ll hurt to hear about it, but he has to know.

Paul brings a hand up to rub at the back of his neck in embarrassment. “Oh gosh, I don’t know, maybe a couple of months… I didn’t really realize it until the whole poster fiasco… I couldn’t figure out for the longest time why it pissed me off that he didn’t care about the election, since he’s never cared about it before, until I realized it was because I _wanted_ him to care about it… about me…” He trails off, staring hard at his feet for a moment before resuming. “I was too petrified to tell you guys, though. I was kind of just hoping the feeling would go away after a little while if I stopped thinking about it…”

“Oh… that’s good.” It’s really not good, but Nick is determined to be supportive even if it kills him.

“What had you so scared to tell us?” Josh asks. He’s admittedly a bit mad at the notion that Paul didn’t trust them enough to let them know about it. It’s not like he could have been worried about them being unaccepting; the both of them had come out to him years ago.

Paul hesitates. “Well… Normally I would’ve just told you, since I tell you guys everything… but I was so mortified that I was crushing on Captain Sparkle Dick that I was afraid if I said it out loud it would be too real, as dumb as that sounds… It’s not that I didn’t trust you guys! I’d trust you with my life! I just… didn’t want it to be real.”

“So you were in denial,” Josh summarizes.

“Yeah, I guess you could say that.” He lets out a long sigh. “But it’s not like he likes me or anything, so it doesn’t really matter.”

“You can find someone better than sparkle dick.”

“Yeah,” Nick agrees. “Sometimes the things we miss out on are the things right in front of us the whole time.” It’s an obvious hint, and Josh throws him a glare for it.

“I _know_ I could find someone better!” Paul groans, tossing his head back dramatically. “That’s what’s so frustrating! It’s not like I _want_ to like him.”

“Are you going to do anything about it?” Josh asks.

“After what just happened? Yeah, I’m going to do something: crawl in a hole and rot away!” He drags himself over to the counter, paying for the chips that will soon be littering the floor of Satch’s car. “Unless you guys think I should do something about it?”

“Nope, definitely not,” Josh swiftly replies, making Paul flinch at the weight of his words. “He’s out of your league.”

“Josh!”

“What? I’m just telling him the truth.”

Nick sighs and gives Paul a sympathetic look. “I think you should go for it. You never know what might happen.” It seems he’s decided to put Paul’s happiness above his own.

After a moment of considering both opinions, Paul softly speaks up. “You think so…?” He keeps it just vague enough so that they can’t tell who’s comment it’s in response to.

“Yep,” Nick and Josh reply in perfect unison. They stop as soon as the word is out of their mouths, looking surprised for a moment before sending each other identical warning glares.

“Uh…” If someone were to pick out a singular moment where Paul realized he was getting himself into some sort of mess, that moment would be right now. Now if only he could figure out what that mess _is._ “Are you two okay?”

“We’re fine,” Nick starts, before Josh can say anything otherwise. “Right, Josh?”

And after another short staredown, Josh concedes. “Yeah, sure.”

“Um, okay,” Paul mumbles, feeling more uneasy around the two of them than he can ever remember. “If you say so.” He takes the uncomfortable silence that follows as a cue to start guiding the two of them towards the exit. Josh follows, shoving his in his pockets, while Nick looks between the two of them with worry etched across his features. Paul keeps his own eyes firmly trained on the floor, trying to avoid their prying gazes. This is going to be a long ride.

 

When the door to Jeff’s car opens again, there’s hardly a moment to react before a bag of Neese’s Pieces pelts Caddy in the face. “Holy fuck!” he shrieks, reeling back from the sudden impact.

Luke pokes his head in a second later, grinning widely as he takes note of the pair’s positioning. “I knew you guys would still be in here. I got you candy!”

“Thanks,” says Ian flatly, sitting up and adjusting his shirt collar.

“Yes, Luke,” Caddy adds. “Thank you for assaulting me.”

Luke gives him a thumbs-up in return. “No problem, man!”

Jimmy’s face pops into view over Luke’s shoulder, and he raises an eyebrow when he gets a glimpse of Caddy and Ian’s rather compromising position. “What the hell were you two doing in here? Can’t you guys keep it in your pants until we get to the hotel?”

This brings a grin to Ian’s lips. “No,” he simply tells him.

“It doesn’t seem like anyone can!” Luke groans, looking oddly uncomfortable and exasperated. “You should’ve _seen_ Paul and Jared.”

Caddy scrunches his brows together in confusion. “Those two idiots? I thought they hated each other.”

“Yeah, and we all thought the same about you and Ian,” Jimmy adds. “What’s your point?” Caddy grunts in reply, his cheeks turning a light shade of pink.

“They were _all_ over each other in the middle of the convenience store,” Luke sighs. “It was ridiculous.”

Ian looks to Jimmy, hoping for clarification. “What the fuck is he talking about?”

Jimmy grins, instantly switching into full gossip mode. “Well, I didn’t get to see all of it, but as Luke and I were walking over to the convenience store, there was this loud-ass crash. So we went to go check it out, obviously, and when we got there, Paul was lying right on top of Jared in the middle of the store, practically making out with the guy.” His grin shifts into more of a smirk. “They were touching so much that Jared’s sparkles rubbed off on Paul, meaning there must have been some serious PDA.”

“Gee, and Wallid was complaining about _us…_ ,” Caddy mutters, sharing a bitter look with his new boyfriend.

Ian’s outlook on the situation is much more skeptical. “Sounds like an accident to me.”

“Oh yeah, I’m sure,” says Jimmy. “Jon and Shane were observing from a distance, so I have a feeling they might have had something to do with it.” He shrugs. “Accident or not, Paul was blushing more than PBG does whenever Hana touches him. Clearly there’s more to the story here.”

“It was wild!” Luke tells them. “You had to be there.”

“We were busy,” Ian explains.

Jimmy’s eyes wander down to Ian’s neck, which is covered in red scratch marks and faint hickies. It’s hard to hide a smirk, looking at that. “Yeah, I can see that.”

Caddy quickly follows Jimmy’s gaze, and has to bite his lip to hold back the laughter that threatens to bubble up. Whoops, his bad.

But Ian doesn’t seem embarrassed in the slightest. He just shrugs it off. “I’ll get him back later.”

 

“That was impressive,” Jon says to Shane as the two of them move back to the candy aisle, his eyes wide in surprise.

“Really?” asks Shane with a small smirk. “I thought your little reflection trick with Jared was surprisingly clever.”

“Aww, shucks!” Jon chuckles, feigning sheepishness. “You flatter me.”

“Tell you what,” Shane says suddenly, stopping to turn and face Jon entirely. “I’ll buy Jacques sunflower seeds. As a reward for your cooperation, of course. Not because I like you or anything.”

Jon instantly lights up like a kid on Christmas. “Really?! You hear that, Jacques?” He looks to his left shoulder for his loyal friend before realizing he’s already found his way over to the sunflower seeds himself.

Jacques cocks his head in what one could assume is a happy manner. “I already like him more than you. Can we keep him, Jon?”

“Yeah, he’s pretty great, isn’t he?” says Jon as he retrieves his loyal bird and picks out the bag of sunflower seeds he chose. It seems he’s chosen to completely ignore Jacques’s insult.

It takes Shane some effort to keep himself from blushing. “I don’t even understand why he likes these so much if he can’t eat…,” he mumbles as he takes the bag from Jon’s hands.

“They give me hope that the cold, metallic husk of existence is merely an illusion,” Jacques explains.

“Way to think positive, buddy!” Jon chirps in reply.

“Alright then,” Shane says. “Anything else you need to grab for yourself? I still have enough snacks to last.”

“Oh, nothing much!” Jon starts as his hands wander towards the shelves. “Just this, and this. Oh, and definitely this! Can’t have this without that, no sir!” And on and on he goes, until he gets to the point where carrying much more in his arms would be a struggle. But judging by the look of disappointment on his face, he would have gotten more if he could. After all, their car _does_ have a lot of mouths to feed.

“...Okay, you’d better have money, because I am not buying all of those for you.”

Jon quickly waves him off. If he can afford a ¥50,000 bird, he can afford a bit of candy. “What can I say? Daddy’s not a cheap date.”

“Don’t call yourself that,” Shane mutters as he leads the two of them to the checkout counter.

“Why not?” Jon asks, dropping his pile of candy onto the counter.

“Never mind.” He fishes his wallet out of his pocket and begins rifling through it. “Go ask Josh. He’ll tell you.”

Jon hums, placing a good ¥3,000 down on the counter to pay for his candy, which the cashier happily accepts. “I didn’t know Josh was a daddy expert.”

“He’s… really not,” Shane replies, fishing a few ¥100 yen bills out for the sunflower seeds.

“Well obviously he must be if I need to talk to him about it!” He snags the candy he purchased, which has now been organized into four small plastic bags, off the counter. “Thanks for those, by the way. I oughta help you out more often!”

“Yeah, don’t expect it too often. You’d better appreciate it, too.”

“Aww, c’mon! Give me a little more credit! You know I appreciate you.” He punctuates the statement with a pat on the back, grinning stupidly the whole time.

“Yeah, whatever,” Shane mumbles as he starts to lead the two of them out of the building and back to the car.

 

Satch is just placing the gas pump back in its rightful spot when a familiar glimmer catches his eye. He didn’t think Jared would be back so soon, but as he turns and sees the slightly damp jacket clutched in his roommate’s hands, as well as the stormy expression on his face, he can tell something isn’t quite right. “Jared, what happened?”

“Paul happened,” is all Jared offers as he yanks open the car door and hurls his jacket inside.

“Let me guess,” Satch begins, moving to stand by Jared’s side, “Paul tried to slide through a puddle on the floor and ran into you?”

Jared gives him a tired look. “Gee, how did you know?”

In return, Satch’s gaze is nothing short of sympathetic. “Just an educated guess. Are you alright?”

Jared looks away, drawing his arms in tight around his waist. “I guess? I’m not sure.”

“Can I… do anything?” Satch asks, his voice taking on a concerned tone. He hesitates a moment before placing a gentle hand on Jared’s shoulder.

Jared stays silent at first, his mind still a myriad of half-formed thoughts and musings, until suddenly he gets a very stupid idea. “I’m… not sure,” he says, picking out his words meticulously. “I’m usually so confident with women, but here I have no experience. I feel like I’m walking around blind.”

Satch hums, adjusting his glasses in quiet thought. “Well… if you think about it, guys really aren’t that much different than girls.” Then again, he’s perhaps the last person here who should be saying that. But his point still stands: relationship-wise, they’re more alike than people like to think. “You shouldn’t stress out about it so much.” He pauses for just a beat before continuing. “Unless you’re implying you need…,” he hesitates, not quite sure if what he wants to say will sound strange, “...practice?” If that is the case, he doesn’t understand why he would be Jared’s go-to, but he can feel himself swell with happiness despite his rational side’s usual doubts.

Jared takes a careful step closer, holding steady eye contact with Satch. “Maybe.” He’s secretly glad that he took the bait so easily, but he keeps his face as even as possible.

Satch smiles, hoping it can hide his own nervousness. He _did_ say he would help him with anything… And it is just for practice… right? “Well, as I said, I’m always here for you… So you can use me to practice on, if you need.”

While he’s absolutely jumping for joy in the inside, Jared manages to boil his feelings down to just a fond look and a quiet, “Thank you, Satch. You’re the best.”

“Yeah, no problem,” he replies, dismissing the way his stomach turns as a bout of delayed carsickness. “Anything for you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mi dispiace - I'm sorry
> 
> by the way if someone actually knows italian & something is incorrect ever just lemme know


	10. The One Where I Have to Change the Rating

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, as this chapter title implies, there's a lot of talk about sex in this chapter. this is the only time i will have to change the rating, and this is the farthest we will be going with "sexual content" in this fic. this and the next chapter will be pretty heavy with this sort of stuff, but in the end they're totally optional & you guys can feel free to skip them if it makes you uncomfortable in any way!! there may be a few vague references to them later in the story, but just feel free to ask when that pops up & i'll explain. c:
> 
> (oh & also thanks so much for 100 kudos!! this took off WAY faster than i expected & i have you guys to thanks for it!!)

As soon as they return to the car Nick picks up Blaze Symbol again, mostly in an attempt distract Paul rather than to actually further his playthrough. “See, I wanna marry Miles,” he says, tapping at the character’s eyepatched face with the stylus, “but I’m not sure if missing out on two of the kids will be worth it…”

“Should have played as a girl.”

“Only you do that, Josh,” Nick mutters.

Paul stares at the screen intently, as if trying to decipher who the best romantic option is by a detailed analysis of appearance alone. “I mean, Josh has a point. You knew you could go for him either way, so if you wanted to get the kids out of the deal you should have played as a girl.” He places a firm hand on Nick’s shoulder. “But!” he continues, suddenly adopting a dramatic tone. “Regardless, you should follow your heart, Nick!”

Nick hangs his head low, obscuring his 4DS from Paul’s view. “I just wanted to have my children  _ and  _ my husband… A wonderful, loving family… Is that too much to ask?”

“Kids or husband,” Josh starts, bolting upright before leaning over Paul. “Pick one, the other is sacrificed at the stake.”

“Oh my  _ god _ , Josh…” At this point, Nick may be near tears. It’s hard to tell when no one can see his face.

Jared, meanwhile, has gone back to silently staring out the window, watching the scenery pass, but he looks much more at ease this time around. Satch steals a quick glance at him and feels a smile take over his face as he turns back to the road. He looks… much better now. Satch only hopes he did the right thing.

(Little does Satch know, the far-off, cheerful look on Jared’s face is a result of him daydreaming about the two of them making out. Jared truly and honestly needs to consider getting his act together.)

“What are you thinking about over there, Jared?” Satch asks, causing Jared to start, sitting upright as if thinking Satch could read his mind.

“Oh, nothing important!” he replies. “Just… normal things.”

Satch grins. “Normal things, hmm? I don’t know; that giddy look you had on your face said otherwise.”

“Oh! Well, you know… I was just thinking about him again.” It isn’t  _ technically  _ a lie. He just has to keep from specifying.

“Wow, you must have it  _ bad, _ ” Satch sighs, chuckling lightly. A sudden thought rises to his mind, and he hums in contemplation. “I wonder… with all the recent romantic developments what the room situation will end up looking like.”

“Well, whichever you care more about, I say go for that,” Paul declares, disregarding that Nick may need more help choosing which characters he cares more for in the first place. As Nick straightens himself back up he takes a good moment to examine him closely. “I don’t think you would have made a very pretty girl anyway. That’s Josh’s job.” Josh smiles shyly in response, turning away to hide his slowly reddening face.

“Aww,” Nick teases, nudging Paul lightly, “you made him blush!”

Paul giggles, leaning forward to try and get a clear look at Josh’s face. “You’re so cute when you blush, Joshie!” Josh turns even more red at the attention, to the point where he sincerely starts to wonder if Paul knows the effect his words have on him.

“Yeah,” Nick agrees. “Real cute.”

Josh, red all the way up to the tips of his ears now, manages to croak out a response to that. “I hate you.”

“Awwww!” Paul cries, reaching forward and wrapping an arm around him. “We love you too!” Josh squirms in his touch until he’s able to bury his face safely in his hands. They’ve finally broken him. Nick can’t help but laugh at the sight, especially since it’s clear Paul has  _ no idea  _ what he’s doing to him.

“I’m sure the troublesome trio back there will share a room regardless of ‘romantic developments’.” Jared mutters. “There’s no splitting them up for long.”

Satch frowns. “I suppose you’re right.” He glances at the reflection in the rearview mirror, taking special note of Josh’s bright red face and thinking back to their sleeping arrangement earlier that morning. “Especially given Nick and Josh’s clear infatuation with Paul.”

“What?” Jared blurts out, whirling around in his seat to face them. “You don’t seriously mean—” Words leave him as soon as he lays eyes on them. “Oh.”

Satch nods. “I do indeed. I feel like it was bound to happen eventually.” He looks at Jared out of the corner of his eye. “I’m sorry to say, but it appears as though you have a bit of competition.”

“What are you laughing about over there, Nick?” Paul grumbles, shooting him a light-hearted glare. “Can’t a couple guys cuddle in peace?”

“N-nothing,” Nick gasps, “it’s just…” He’s cut off by his own laughter, having to keel over and grab onto the back of Jared’s seat in order to support himself. Josh glares at him, but doesn’t complain. Instead, he leans his head on Paul’s shoulder, much like he did earlier in the day, making sure their sides are pressed together as he does so.

Paul is a little confused, but he doesn’t fight it, readjusting so his arm is snaked around Josh’s waist. And even though Jared is currently the object of his affections, he can’t help but blush lightly at the closeness. “It’s just what, Nick?”

“Nothing important,” Nick tells him, having finally calmed down, “I promise! Anyways, I have to get back to my marriage options…”

“Marry Lottie,” Josh suggests. “She’s hot.”

“You played as a  _ girl,  _ Josh, how would you know?”

“I don’t need to be a boy to see that she has boobs.”

“Oh my god…”

Jared slowly turns to face the windshield again, looking more than a little worse for wear. “I… I always figured Nick and Josh liked each other…”

“Well, yes. That’s what I thought at first, too. I still believe they do, but when you really think about it… they would never leave Paul out.” He has to admit, he’s feeling a little guilty for not telling Jared earlier. It does seem like a crucial bit of information in regards to his situation. “I think I’m one of the only people who’s noticed the way they look at him.” He notices Jared looks a little guilty now, but is still staying silent. To the average outsider, he just looks mildly upset, but Satch knows better. “If it makes you feel any better, I don’t think he’s noticed… That Nick and Josh like him, that is… So I think you should still go for it, if that’s what will make you happy.”

“I… I wouldn’t want to get in the way…” He pauses, giving himself an ample moment to clear his head. “I’ll think on it. Thanks, Satch.”

Satch sends him what he hopes is a reassuring grin. “Yeah, no problem.”

“Good god, Josh,” Paul mutters. “There’s more to life than boobs!”

“Of course there is. There’s dicks too, but this is a Gintendo game.”

Nick nearly chokes on thin air. “ _ Josh _ .”

“Then again,” he considers, “Oden has a nice bulge…”

“Oh my god,” Paul groans, “stop talking! I  _ don’t  _ need to hear about fictional bulges while you’re laying on me. No thank you.”

Josh glares at him, but doesn’t move away. “Can I talk about real ones?”

Paul considers this carefully. “...Maybe. Depends, who did you have in mind?”

Silence, for just a moment, and then, “Bulges or actual dicks? Because between both clubs, I’ve only seen… seven?” He nods to himself. “Yep, seven. And even then, I’ve only done things to five.”

“Wait, you—out of the—” Nick sputters, clearly still trying to process the information he’s been given. “Since  _ when _ ?!”

Josh shrugs. “Over the course of three and a half years.”

“But out of both of the clubs?” Paul hisses, somehow convinced they can keep this conversation private. “Who?!”

Josh holds his hands out where the two of them can see, slowly counting off the names on his fingers. “Both of you, but only because we share a room; Jared and Satch, so everyone in this car—”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Jared cuts in, peering over the back of his chair to fix Josh with a suspicious look.

But Josh has nothing to hide. “How many dicks I’ve seen.”

Jared’s face goes white as a sheet. “That was in second year,” he protests through gritted teeth.

“Still saw it.” Next to him, Paul squirms in his seat, only semi-successfully disguising his overwhelming curiosity and envy. He can’t help but wonder if it really does sparkle.

Satch is taking this development much better than Jared is, but that really isn’t saying much. His heart is hammering away in his chest, and if it weren’t for the car he might even be panicking outright. Normally he’s able to handle these sorts of situations with ease, especially compared to his friends, but this… this is different. Because Josh is juggling sensitive information, information he chose to  _ trust  _ him with, and now he’s sincerely beginning to wonder if that trust was misplaced. “Josh…,” he begins, his mouth unusually dry, “I’m almost scared to ask, but… when exactly did you see…,” he can’t even bring himself to say the word; it would sound too foreign on his tongue, “mine?”

“I love how you think you can play innocent,” Josh says, and for just a moment Satch can feel his heart drop. His eyes move up to the rearview mirror, watching every little movement Josh’s face as he speaks. “Satchell Drakes. Third year, around April. He seemed really stressed out about what he was working on for the tournament, so I helped him out a little.” Right as he nears the end of his sentence, his gaze flicks up to the rearview mirror as well, and after an agonizing moment, he winks. To anyone else in the car, it may just seem like a silly, overtly suggestive expression, but Satch knows exactly what it means.

He isn’t going to say anything.

“Okay, okay!” Satch protests, and while his cheeks are hot he’s still breathing an internal sigh of relief. “N-no need to get specific…”

“They do  _ not  _ need to hear about this,” Jared says, glowering at the smug look on Josh’s face. It’s true: he’s probably the only other person here who understands the kind of information Josh holds about his roommate, and he really needs to stop flaunting it about in front of his friends. ...Even if Satch himself doesn’t really seem bothered by it. Jared has the right to be a little bit protective.

Josh’s grin grows wider, and by the time Jared realizes what’s about to happen, it’s too late. “Jared sparkles more when he’s turned on.”

“What?!” Paul yelps, his interest clearly piqued. He’s blushing bright red at just the thought.

“ _ Please _ stop talking,” Jared hisses, and Josh kindly complies.

“This is ridiculous…,” Nick mutters. So maybe he’s a little upset. Here he and Josh  _ know  _ they like each other—have  _ known _ for a few months, in fact—and he hasn’t gotten so much as a peck on the cheek. Alright, well, maybe they’re waiting for Paul, but… they never actually  _ talked  _ about it.

“Other than that…,” Josh continues, “Jon, Jeff, and Ian.”

Jared lets out a tiny, sardonic breath of laughter. “I’m honestly surprised you haven’t won over Shane at this point.”

“I’m not a miracle worker.”

“You never told  _ us _ you were such a player…,” Paul murmurs. If he sees Josh roll his eyes, he doesn’t say anything, but it’s more likely he didn’t see at all, too caught up in a slowly dawning realization to have noticed. “Wait… Jeff?! When? You engaged in sexual activity with the enemy?”

Josh shrugs. “Like four months ago.”

“You mean when the school year started?” asks Nick. “That was wartime!”

“Why did you think I was doing it? I tried to bribe him. Didn’t work. Was still fun.”

“You’re such a slut,” Jared mumbles under his breath, just loud enough to carry, “I cannot believe this…”

Satch reaches over and playfully socks him in the shoulder, his voice mockingly scolding. “Play nice.”

“Oh, that’s rich coming from you, Jared,” Nick retorts, quick to jump to the defense of his friend/crush/you know what, it’s complicated.

But Josh seems to be quite pleased with himself. “No, he’s right. That’s exactly what I am.”

“You’re… not supposed to admit to that…,” Paul mumbles. At this point, he’s not sure what else to say.

“It’s better than being called a ‘player,’” Josh retorts.

“Fine, fine, I’m sorry… But is it really? ‘Slut’ sounds worse to me...:”

Josh shrugs. “I don’t mind it.”

Satch takes a steadying breath, readjusting his grip on the steering wheel. He cannot believe he’s about to say this… “You have to admit, though: as unorthodox as it is, sleeping with your opponent isn’t too bad of a strategy.”

“But what if he enjoyed it  _ too  _ much and decided to switch sides?!” Paul cries. “Where would I be then?”

“You need to calm down,” says Josh. “All I did was suck his dick. It was pretty one-sided.”

Without sparing a glance at anyone else, Jared slowly picks up the walkie talkie and holds down the talk button. “This is going to be rather awkward, but I have a question for a few of you…”

“Jared,” Satch whispers, “what the hell are you doing…?”

Jimmy’s voice is the first to sound. “Who do you need?”

“Ian, and… well, whoever is in the passenger’s seat.”

When Shane speaks next, he sounds wary, but he nearly always sounds wary, so that doesn’t suggest much. “Need anyone over here?”

“Just Jon.”

“Oh my god,” Nick hisses, “you’re not…”

“I… I think he is…,” Paul murmurs.

“Whatcha need, Jared?” chirps Jon, his excitement clearly audible.

Ian, by comparison, sounds a bit hesitant. “I’m here.”

“Alright,” Jared starts. “Have either of you… had… sexual relations with Josh?”

There’s a very long pause before Ian finally says, “Jared, my boyfriend is right here.”

“I am speaking in the past tense!”

“Yeah, why?” Jon asks, blunt as ever. The guy is about as fucking open as it gets.

“He… mentioned it,” Jared explains.

After another moment’s pause, Ian concedes. “Okay, the answer’s also yes for me.” When he speaks again, his voice sounds a bit fainter than before, as if he’s speaking while facing away from the walkie talkie. “Don’t look at me like that; it was over a year ago.”

“Okay, good,” Jared says, sounding slightly relieved. “Now I just need whoever’s in the passenger’s seat.”

There’s a few quick crackles of noise as the walkie talkie is passed forward, but ultimately Jared only has to wait a few seconds before he hears Luke’s voice. “Sup?”

“Luke, will you be a dear and hold the walkie talkie up for Jeff?”

“Sure, man!” There’s a slight shifting noise as the walkie talkie is moved again before Jeff’s voice comes through, clear as day.

“Jared?” He sounds a bit confused, having been too focused on the road to pay attention to the conversation. “Could you repeat the question, please?”

A tiny sigh escapes Jared’s lips. “Don’t crash when I say this, please… During this year’s election, did Josh attempt to bribe you with, ah… sexual favors?”

“What?!” Jared jumps slightly as the faint screech of car tires becomes audible, along with a few distant-sounding cries and curses. “Sorry, sorry!” Jeff yelps. The line is silent for a moment before Jeff speaks again, much quieter than before. “I-I thought he said he wouldn’t tell anyone…”

“Josh, what the hell?” Nick scolds, leaning forward in his seat to glower at him.

The excuse Josh offers is weak, at best. “...I didn’t want an incomplete list?”

“That’s no excuse!” Paul is quick to side with Nick, perhaps understanding the fear of being outed better than anyone in the car.

“Okay, ignoring what a piece of shit Josh is…,” Jared mumbles, “I’ll even the playing field and say that I… am, in fact, in the same boat.” He holds the walkie talkie far away from his face and shuts his eyes tight, somehow still expecting the worst outcome.

There’s another long, heavy pause before Jeff’s voice can be heard once more. “...Really?” It sounds as if the news has taken a large weight off of his shoulders.

“Hey, welcome to the club, buddy!” Jon cheers. If they could only see him, he would probably be giving Jared a big thumbs-up.

Satch heaves out a defeated sigh. “Feel free to tell them I’m ‘a part of the club’ as well…” He would only feel guilty keeping it to himself at this point.

Jared flashes him a grateful smile before bringing the walkie talkie back to his face. “Satch said to tell you he’s a part of the club, too.”

The walkie talkie emits a few more sputters as it’s once again passed around Jeff’s car. “Alright, I have a question,” Ian starts, his voice taking on a tone of deadly seriousness. “Who’s the token straight friend? Because there’s only a few options left and I’m starting to wonder if he even exists.”

“Well,” Paul says, more to himself than anyone else, seeing as the walkie talkie is nowhere near him, “why not go down the list of likely candidates and ask them yourself?”

“My money’s on PBG, personally.” Somehow no one’s taken the walkie talkie from Jon yet, lord help them all.

There’s a loud burst of static as the walkie talkie is swiftly snatched from Ian’s hands. “Can’t be,” says Caddy. “Jeff told us they’ve kissed before.”

Somehow, PBG and Jeff’s voices ring out in perfect unison. “That was an  _ accident! _ ”

“So is it PBG, then?” Ian asks. “I know it’s not anyone from Hidden Block, so that leaves… what, PBG, Paul, Nick, and Jirard?”

There’s another shuffling sound as the walkie talkie moves throughout Jirard’s car. “Why am I not a candidate?” a recognizable British accent chimes in. “I haven’t even said anything.”

“Because you’re not fooling anyone,” Ian replies, surely leaning over his boyfriend to get close enough to the receiver.

“You’re about as straight as I am I’m afraid, Shane,” Caddy agrees.

“Well, it’s not me,” Jirard says, the inflection in his voice making it quite clear he’s speaking up so the walkie talkie can catch him. “I’ve known I liked boys since… third grade, I think!” Only natural that he would have his life together far sooner than anyone else in their friend group.

It’s at this point that Nick leans as far forward as his seatbelt will allow him, cleanly nabbing the walkie talkie from Jared. “Not me, either. The literal conversation leading up to this was me deciding whether or not to marry the gay option in the new Blaze Symbol, so…”

Taking it from him, Paul adds in, “And considering it’s definitely not me, I guess that leaves PBG. And if it’s not him then we’re just shit out of luck.”

There’s a slow, quiet rustling as the walkie talkie is presumably placed into PBG’s hands, followed by a much too long pause. And then, “...Am I really the only straight guy here?”

“Sure,” says Ian, “if that’s what you want to think.” Bubbling laughter can be heard off to the side, almost certainly from the other Hidden Block club members.

“H-hey,” PBG sputters, clearly more than a little flustered, “what’s that supposed to mean?”

Jeff’s voice can only be heard distantly, but it’s not hard to make out what he’s saying. “C’mon, guys, leave him alone,” he sighs, always quick to jump to his friend’s defense.

“He can take it.” Ian’s shift in tone is almost alarmingly jarring. “I’ve been through much worse.”

“Here, someone just take this!” There’s a loud crackle as PBG throws the walkie talkie to somebody else (presumably Shane, judging by Jon’s whining in the background).

“Well, this has been quite the educational transmission,” Satch sighs. In fact, maybe it’s been a bit  _ too  _ educational…

Josh scowls. “I thought it was pleasant.”

“Of course you did,” Nick mutters, gently setting the walkie talkie down in his lap.

 

“Well…,” Hana starts, staring straight ahead with a sort of startled look in her eyes, “that was, um…” Kind of uncomfortable, to say the least.

But Jirard supplies, “Kind of weird?” and she supposes that works just as well. He, after all, only looks slightly more flustered than she does.

“Y-yeah…”

“I can’t believe all my friends almost died over a blowjob,” Wallid mutters flatly.

“Uh, yeah…,” Hana says. “That too…” Her eyes reflexively train in on the passenger’s seat, where Shane might as well be making storm clouds from the way he’s fuming. Sure, he’s just as quiet as usual, but his stare out the window is noticeably more intense than it’s been all morning.

Calling the atmosphere “tense” would be a vast understatement.

“I don’t… understand why he felt the need to ask everyone,” Mai huffs, although she might have just an inkling of an idea. It’s always a good idea to fact check, after all. She wants to be able to get her stories  _ just  _ right.

“Well, he was… one of the ones, right?” asks Jirard. “He probably just wanted to make sure he wasn’t alone.”

Jon shrugs. “I don’t see why it’s such a big deal.”

“Jon…,” PBG groans, still seeming a bit dazed and confused. “Please shut up.”

The words are barely out of PBG’s mouth by the time Shane speaks up. “It’s definitely a big deal.”

“But why?” is Jon’s instantaneous response. “We’re in high school; isn’t that supposed to be the stupid shit people do? I don’t see why it has to affect anyone else…” The way he’s speaking almost sounds a bit defensive, like just the very notion that Shane cares is enough to set him off.

“That shouldn’t mean the rest of us have to hear about it. I didn’t want any part in… whatever weird  _ thing  _ you have going on with Josh.”

“Shane…,” Jirard starts, his tone warning.

But it’s too late. Shane’s already crossed the line, and there’s no going back. “Hey, it’s not like I  _ asked  _ Jared to bring it up. And as for Josh, you don’t even know what the  _ fuck  _ you’re talking about! I didn’t want you to get involved either, so stop acting so fucking high and mighty about it and get over yourself!”

The car is dead silent for all of five seconds before Shane turns to Jirard. “I—Jirard, did you hear what he just—”

“Yes, I did,” Jirard swiftly cuts in. “And honestly? You should probably listen to him.” Just that is enough to launch the car into another ten seconds of excruciating silence.

Shane’s face flips through a variety of emotions: first stunned, then betrayed, and finally controlled rage. “Fine,” he bites out, before sitting back in his seat, pulling his knees up to his chest. Behind him, Jon crosses his arms and turns to glare out the window, the mirror image of Shane just moments before.

After a few moments pass, all without anyone saying anything, Hana begins to grow wary. Sure, if Jon and Shane don’t want to address the elephant in the room, that’s their decision, but that doesn’t mean everyone else should have to get caught in the awkward crossfire. They could always start talking about something else, though… Noticing PBG hasn’t spoken in quite a while, Hana sees her opportunity and leans forward in her seat to get a better view of him. “Are… you okay, PBG…?”

He starts suddenly, and it takes him a moment to recognize what he was being asked before he can even answer. “Oh, yeah, I’m… fine! It’s just… weird to be singled out like that, you know?” Not to mention the conversation he just witnessed. “I just never thought I’d be weird for being ‘the straight guy.’”

Hana tries hard not to let the exasperation show on her face, but it’s a struggle. “I… really don’t think that’s what Ian meant. I mean, to everyone else, you get to be totally normal. Not that the rest of us aren’t, but…,” her face falls, “we aren’t treated like it.”

Wallid is much more blunt. “Hana’s saying that compared to all that shit, getting teased a little by your friends is really a minor inconvenience.”

“Uh, well…” Hana looks a little guilty, but she definitely doesn’t disagree. Mostly she’s just worried that PBG won’t understand and will take it the wrong way. “Yeah…”

He sighs. “I guess you’re right… But that just makes me feel bad because I don’t understand what you’ve all been through! Like an outsider… I just want to be on the same page as all of you.”

Mai scoffs. “Yeah, sure.” Dismissively, she waves his words off. “Just enjoy being ‘normal.’”

It seems the conversation has begun to die, and despite Hana’s best attempts, Jon and Shane are still sulking. Furthermore, it seems no one’s mind has truly been taken off of the argument. “...Should have played the air horn sound effect when Jirard called him out,” Wallid is muttering fervently, more to himself than to anyone else. “That would have lightened the mood…”

“You’re such a fucking meme, Wallid,” says Mai, though it’s clear her heart isn’t in the insult.

“Thanks,” he sighs. He sits in silence for a second more, looking deep in thought, before opening his mouth again. “We should play a game.”

Mai shifts in her seat, turning to give him a skeptical look. “Should I be concerned?”

PBG, on the other end of the reaction spectrum, seems interested enough. “What kind of game?”

The grin plastered across Wallid’s face could only be described as sinister. “Have you guys ever heard of Don’t Shame My Kink?”


End file.
